The Provisional BBC

Gove recalls maths textbooks

2010-05-14T23:09:00.003+01:00

New Secretary of State for Education Michael Gove has issued instructions to schools to return all maths textbooks after discoveries they include rudimentary errors.

The books, in relating the concepts of fractions and percentages, describe 1/2 as 50% instead of the more modern version of 55%.

Chapters on decimal points will be removed entirely, as, according to senior Tory sources, "that sort of thing isn't really considered important any more".

Schools minister Nick Gibb said the mistake was further evidence of "dumbing down" under Labour. "Just because it's easier to multiple and divide by 50 than 55 doesn't make it right," said the newly-appointed junior minister. "I don't see why we can't go back to pounds and ounces anyway."

But mathematics experts said the recall was unnecessary. Professor Cognac of Queen Victoria University said 50% was a perfectly reasonable figure for 1/2, and described the new figure as "fuzzy math".

Asked to comment on the professor's views, Gove responded "I'm paid to entertain [nonsense], and that's what I'm doing."

Liberal Democrats agreed with the move. A Liberal Democrat spokesperson issued a statement, but none of our reporters saw much point in reading or commenting on it.

Lib Dems blame Labour for coalition with Tories

2010-05-11T17:54:00.003+01:00

Senior Liberal Democrats have lashed out at the Labour Party over Nick Clegg's reluctant decision to hand David Cameron the keys to Number 10 Downing Street.

"I'm disgusted Labour didn't agree to adopt our entire manifesto as a basis for governing," said A Liberal Democrat Who Wasn't Nick Clegg Or Vince Cable, rumoured to be ear-marked by Cameron as the future Minister for Beards, one of four posts to be created especially so Liberal Democrats can be ministers without actually doing anything. "As a result, we have been forced into accepting the Tories' offer of a half-chewed peanut and a broken Dinky Toy."

In a joint statement, John Redwood and Nadine Dorries said they understood that there were concerns "dinosaurs" in the Parliamentary Labour Party might not accept the compromises necessary for coalition government, and they looked forward to working with their new coalition partners on climate change and reproductive rights.

Former Foreign Secretary Malcolm Rifkind said he was relieved the Liberal Democrats had finally done the honourable thing in putting Cameron into Number 10, after first acting honourably in negotiating with the Tories and then covering themselves in dishonour by negotiating with Labour. "I am glad Mr Clegg has acknowledged our right to rule, so cruelly denied for 13 years," said the veteran Tory, adding, "The lower parties must learn their place."

Meanwhile David Miliband revealed he, and all the other candidates for the Labour leadership, were "saddened" by news of the coalition, before telling anyone who would listen they could quote "senior Labour sources" as being ready to swing behind his campaign just as soon as it was deemed appropriate to start campaigning.

Farage hints at leadership bid

2009-11-28T23:29:00.006Z

Nigel Farage has given the clearest indication yet that he may run again for the UKIP leadership.

Mr Farage did not commit himself, but refused to rule out leading the party again, raising doubts about who was really in charge of the United Kingdom Independence Party.

A political appointee, UKIP's new leader Lord Pearson has never held elective office. He became UKIP leader after former leader Farage made it clear he expected the party to elect him.

Rival parties were quick to label Lord Pearson a "puppet". Analysts are divided over whether Lord Pearson's public statements are carefully co-ordinated by Farage as part of a "good-cop/bad-cop strategy", or whether their collaboration hides tensions behind which Pearson and Farage represent different interest groups with different views on what direction UKIP should take.

Farage oversaw a surge in UKIP's poll ratings since taking over the leadership of the party in 2006. His half-naked poses in calendar shoots have been popular with the nation's women, and his name and image are used widely in marketing and advertising campaigns, including his own vodka brand.

But he has attracted criticism, notably including British chess supremo Nigel Short. The chess champ turned political activist said Farage had silenced critics within UKIP, and his iron control over the internal disciplinary units of the party had killed free speech.

PR Referendum now doubtful

2009-06-01T14:28:00.002+01:00

Momentum for a referendum on PR to be conducted at the same time as the next General Election has stalled after supporters failed to agree on how the referendum should be conducted.

Supporters of the status quo argued that voters should vote for the system they liked the most, and the voting system with the most support should be used for the following election. But advocates of PR retorted that this method could ensure the incumbent voting system won without a clear majority of the electorate supporting it, and might force more radical systems geeks into second-guessing the preferences of others and voting for a system they hated less than FPTP, instead of the one the liked the most.

Others said voting systems should be ranked in order of preference, with the top three used to elect separate candidates in supersized constituencies, giving voters a "real choice" of system "not just once, but every election."

But there were worries that without a system of open primaries to decide which systems went to the vote, a referendum could place too much power in the hands of intellectuals, who would limit the range of options from which the electorate could choose.

Tory leader David Cameron quickly announced he backed all the options, and would "strongly consider" them if elected.

Church divided on swine flu

2009-04-28T12:45:00.003+01:00

The church has divided on the issue of who God is punishing by the imposition of swine flu on His creation.

A spokesperson from the Church of Hope and Grace In The Name Of He Who Sent His Unblemished Lamb As Lord and Saviour to Rescue Us From The Iniquity of Our Own Failings said it was "definitely the gays. Definitely."

LGBT Christian groups seized on this proclamation to suggest God is moving with the times, saying the relative scale of the disease, with only a handful of people dying and others recovering, showed God was not as pissed off with homosexual people as He used to be. But atheist groups labelled this a logical fallacy, saying it could just mean God's powers are on the wane.

Other Christian groups said the disease had nothing to do with homosexuality. A trendy vicar from Muswell Hill said "We run the risk of making everything about our preoccupation with homosexuality, rather than listening to God and seeing what He has to say to us. Clearly this global pandemic is a punishment for the war on Iraq."

The Vatican issued a brief statement commending God for learning from his mistakes, by bringing forth a disease that could not be prevented through contraception.

Competition Corner

2009-04-24T15:11:00.004+01:00

The Provisional BBC will be awarding a prize of unspecified value for the best guess as to what the following person actually spends his money on. The excerpt is taken from the BBC's recent article where people earning over £100,000 pa complain about how they don't have enough money to live on and how they are not eligible for tax credits. Answers in the comments box, please.

Because my wife looks after the kids and hence does not currently work, she does not receive any tax free allowance and so we already are down to one allowance for the family. There is no married persons allowance any more to compensate for people in our situation and now it seems we are to lose the second allowance from next April, hitting us by what will amount to approx £300 a month.

We don't qualify for child tax credits either. We are not rich by any means, we live in a standard four bed house with a single garage on a housing estate in a normal town. Our kids go to the local comprehensive school. We don't have surplus money for expensive holidays and cars.

We know of several people with similar total family income to us that will continue to receive two tax free allowances because both of them work and individually their incomes are under the £100,000 amount. The system just does not seem fair at all. We are being penalized for having one of us stay home to look after the family.

£300 a month is going to be very difficult to find. We have never been hit so hard by a budget before. We probably won't be able to afford a holiday next year, plus will have to cut back in other ways.

Neither myself or my wife are from wealthy families, we've just worked hard to get where we are. It seems when you reach a point where things are improving you just get knocked back down.

Barack Obama wears clothes

2009-04-05T22:19:00.005+01:00

Barack Obama has been spotted wearing clothes. The clothes were made by someone who makes clothes, and are thought to be worth an amount of money.

Other world leaders, including singer Carla Bruni's HAB Nicolas Sarkozy, were also spotted wearing clothes in a move bored journalists gleefully described as a "fashion challenge" to the US President. A spokesperson for Sarkozy denied the rumours, saying the wearing of clothes on state occasions was standard protocol.

"You can see that getting dressed is more than an official duty for Nicolas Sarkozy," said an annoying TV presenter. "Look at the way his shirt hugs every roll of flab - it just screams 'I want an international agreement on tax havens'."

But the leaders' decisions to wear clothes were criticised by campaigners, who said they should recognise ordinary people's hurt in this time of recession and go without.

In other news, the leaders also signed an historic agreement which could speed the end of the global recession by months.

Daily Mail could cause cancer

2009-02-25T12:41:00.004Z

The Daily Mail newspaper is causing alarming changes in the brains of the easily influenced, according to a skint neuroscientist.

Columnists such as Melanie Phillips, Richard Littlejohn and Quentin Letts are said to stifle critical abilities, and make people more self-centred.

The claims will make disturbing reading for the millions who tuck into their feast of hatred, bigotry, class prejudice and lies every day. But leading journalists say they are well supported by evidence taken out of context.

'My fear is that this technology is infantilising the brain into the state of small children who are easily scared and misled, who have a small attention span and who live for the moment' said Professor Greedyfool, adding "It is a scientifically proven fact that I have no idea what I'm on about."

But a government spokesperson said the only thing less reliable than an editorial on the causes of cancer was a front page reporting a cure for it.

PM is very angry

2009-02-11T15:34:00.004Z

Gordon Brown is "very angry" about proposed bank bonuses, according to his press team. He said executives should "think of the children" and reconsider whether they really wanted more money.

The Prime Minister's spokesperson warned Brown could get "even angrier" if executives do not heed his advice, and risks getting "monumentally peeved" if they award themselves higher bonuses than last year. It is not known at what point the Prime Minister might burst.

Brown said "We are leading the world in criticising the bankers, and in making them think very hard about the consequences of their actions." He refused to rule out putting bankers on the naughty step.

David Cameron denounced Brown for taking no real action, and said that Conservatives would have taken no action much earlier than Labour. He also suggested nationalising the top 100 UK companies and putting the banks in the hands of workers' communes. However, a report by the Daily Mirror later showed his butler was following him all day with his fingers crossed.

New minister changes job title

2008-10-18T06:39:00.002+01:00

Recently promoted minister Phil Woolas insisted on a revised job title as a pre-condition to accepting the role, it was revealed last night. He will no longer be known as the Minister for Immigration, but as the Minister against Immigration.

Woolas said that the government would not allow the population to expand to an infinite total of people. "There just isn't enough room for an infinite number of people in a finite space," he confided in Frank Field.

Woolas believes a decreasing population is just the thing to get our economy to grow again, because if we're lucky it will create a demand for labour that will force wage-inflation higher than the government is prepared to recommend for public sector workers.

Former Minister Liam Berk is said to be angry that his reputation as a hard-right nut was being undermined, claiming the move was a cynical effort to supplant him as fifth-in-line-amongst-the-younger-generation-to-succeed-Gordon-Brown.

Friends of Woolas claimed that he is not really racist, and the strategy was part of an attempt to triangulate the BNP, citing previous electoral successes like the attempt to triangulate the Militant in 1983. "Forget the centre ground, the extreme fringes are where elections are won," he is reported to have said.

But the minister's comments raised concerns that the next time there was a reshuffle, there would be no-one more right-wing than Woolas to fill the role. "New Labour have a proud tradition of appointing successively more right-wing MPs to extend immigration restrictions," explained a former Home Secretary who wished to remain nameless because he thought that gave him more credibility. "Jack Straw was replaced by David Blunkett, who was replaced by me, who was replaced by John Reid, who oversaw Liam Byrne, who has now been replaced by Woolas. Where can we go from here? We might have to make David Coleman as a Lord."

Meanwhile, a succession of polls showed that the worse the economic crisis becomes, the more immigration slips down the list of public concerns.

Poll suggests politicians are unpopular

2008-09-20T18:53:00.002+01:00

A new poll has suggested Gordon Brown is the most unpopular person in the country, apart from all the other MPs.

The poll will be seen as bad news for Brown, who narrowly pipped Heather Mills and comfortably beat Tom Cruise, James Blunt and George W Bush to the title of Person You Would Least Like To Go For A Pint With.

The poll, carried out by a Labour blogger in a pub, will be seen as bad news for Brown. But potential challengers to Brown will find little to write home about - voters said they were no more likely to go for a pint with David Miliband, Jack Straw, Alan Johnson, David Cameron or Nick Clegg. 100% of respondents would prefer to go for a pint with their mates, or with attractive celebrities.

Cameron's i-pod broken

2008-09-20T18:32:00.003+01:00

Former PR guru David Cameron's i-pod is broken, according to a Conservative HQ photostunt showing him frowning and pointing to the device. The Tory leader claimed it was Labour's fault for "fiddling" with it.

Cameron claimed that whereas in a previous generation it had been tvs that broke down, now the problem was MP3 players.

But according to the old Etonian, the problem highlighted the difference between Labour's approach and his own. Labour would waste money on one-to-one personal time with a trained professional in an aim to reintegrate the i-pod into society. Cameron would "heal" the i-pod by ending its dependence on crutches like rechargers. If the device didn't fix itself, he would rely on the good nature of well-meaning individuals to play with the settings. And if they couldn't fix it, he would punish the ipod by hitting it on the side of the table until it came to its senses.

A spokesperson from Apple said they had examined the offending item and found no fault with it, other than Cameron's faux-trendy music collection.

Liberal Democrats in middle-class tax break shocker

2008-09-15T15:19:00.003+01:00

In a move set to shock absolutely no-one, the Liberal Democrats have proposed a novel scheme to cut the taxes of middle-class people.

Under the scheme, identity cards would be replaced by a "local leisure card" similar to supermarket loyalty cards, except less useful for working class people. Middle-class people would earn points for doing middle-class things - visiting the gym, shopping at Waitrose or going to the theatre. Parents living in postcodes with good schools could be eligible for "multipliers" which would see their score rise exponentially and taxes decrease similarly.

"It's time to end working-class culture in the UK," said Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg. "We will use the tax system as an incentive to replace football with yoga, Big Brother with Newsnight Review and fish and chips with taramasalta. If only we can turn Britain middle-class then maybe, just maybe we'll have a shot at government one day."

Health spokesperson Norman Lamb denied the move would incentivise paranoid pensioners to visit their yoga teachers every day in order to score more points. "Lalalalalalala, I can't hear you, I can't hear you," he argued.

Tories welcomed the scheme as, although beauracratic and totally unmanageable, it would "undermine the principle of socialised leisure and move Britain closer to an insurance model where we pay according to our own personal level of risk", according to Tory Spokesperson for Humiliating Fat People Andrew Lansley.

But libertarians said the move was yet further proof that the Lib Dems were not quite as batshit crazy as them. "This is just another extension of the big brother state," said a prominent blogger, who refused to be named in case ZaNuLabSSPolPotour came for him in the night. "First it was Oystercards, now this. I'm never going to a gym again."

Report exposes "postcode lottery"

2008-09-07T13:05:00.003+01:00

Where you live could affect the quality of service you receive from your MP, according to a report by the They Work For You Liberal Democrat Working Group Taskforce.

The controversial report suggests some MPs do more casework than others, some knock on more doors and some have more influence over government policy.

In extreme cases, people on one street might be represented by one MP, and people on the next street could be represented by another. But sensible people claimed that this was an inevitable part of having a geographical system - you have to draw the line somewhere.

"This is what happens when you let the common people choose their own MP" said Shadow Chancellor George Osbourne, who backed tough national standards for new MPs to be reinforced by a lack of hard-hitting targets.

Persistent nuisance-maker given ASBO

2008-09-04T11:40:00.003+01:00

A troublemaker who aggravated his work colleagues and tried to get his boss fired has been made the subject of an anti-social behaviour order.

The terms of former Home Secretary Charles Clarke's ASBO prevent him from going within 100 yards of a journalist for the duration of Gordon Brown's premiership. He has also had his mobile phone confiscated and internet connection deactivated.

Breach of the order could lead to a fine or six months locked in a jail guarded by another former Home Secretary wielding a machine-gun.

Political ally Alan Milburn tried to excuse his friend's behaviour, arguing "It's not Charles' fault; it's because there's nothing for him to do." But officials pointed out that not all former ministers were badly behaved, and said he had been offered a list of doors to knock on to "keep him out of trouble".

Other Labour MPs were adamant the measures did not go far enough. "Charles Clarke has made our life a misery," said one anonymous back-bencher who believes Clarke could lose him his seat. "When Trade Unionists tried to bring down the government, Thatcher ordered ritual violence to beat them into submission. It's the only way he'll learn."

Guest column #6 - the Houston Chronicle

2008-08-14T21:51:00.005+01:00

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

"PETA wants to advertise vegan message on border fence"

by the Houston Chronicle

While many view the contentious border fence as a government fiasco, an animal rights group sees a rare opportunity.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals plans today to announce an unusual marketing pitch to the U.S. government: Rent us space on the fence for billboards warning illegal border crossers there is more to fear than the Border Patrol.

The billboards, in English and Spanish, would offer the caution: "If the Border Patrol Doesn't Get You, the Chicken and Burgers Will — Go Vegan."

"We think that Mexicans and other immigrants should be warned if they cross into the U.S. they are putting their health at risk by leaving behind a healthier, staple diet of corn tortillas, beans, rice, fruits and vegetables," said Lindsay Rajt, assistant manager of PETA's vegan campaigns.

The Department of Homeland Security is working to meet a deadline to complete 670 miles of fencing and other barriers on the Southwest border by Dec. 31. The fencing operation has run into stiff opposition by landowners fighting government efforts to obtain their land through condemnation.

PETA says its billboards would picture "fit and trim" Mexicans in their own country, where their diet is more in line with the group's mission. Another image on the sign would portray obese American children and adults "gorging on meaty, fat- and cholesterol-packed American food."

PETA'S offer to the feds is expected to arrive in a letter to Border Patrol officials today.

But a government spokesman in Washington said the request will be rejected because it would limit visibility through the fence. And Border Patrol does not allow advertising on its property or installations, the officials added.

"The fencing being put in place is, in many cases, mesh fencing to allow our officers to see what's happening on the other side and to better secure the border," said Michael Friel, a spokesman for U.S. Customs and Border Protection.

One property owner on the Texas-Mexico border laughed at PETA's proposal.

"I think it's ridiculous," said Noel Benavides, who is contesting the construction of a fence dividing his family's 145-acre ranch in Roma on the Rio Grande. "I can't see the point of something like that."

But Rajt said the rent money they'd pay would help offset the huge costs of the fencing — and the advertising message "might even be frightening enough to deter people from crossing into the U.S."

PETA has often been criticized for its aggressive animal rights crusades. It's used billboards to push many of its controversial positions such as "Buck Cruelty: Say NO to horse-drawn carriage rides" or "Feeding Kids Meat Is Child Abuse."

Dorries teams up with Taxpayers Alliance

2008-07-16T09:26:00.002+01:00

Tory MP Nadine Dorries and the Taxpayers Alliance have teamed up to offer pregnant teenagers a way of getting straight back to work without "contributing to the genocide of an unborn generation".

Pregnant teenagers who opted not to have an abortion would be offered childcare vouchers which could be redeemed by private mercenaries. Faith-based organisations would be given tax incentives to transform themselves into private sub-contractors. The money would be funded from a reduction in Surestart provision, a "wasteful and inefficient" service "targeted at the poorest", according to the Taxpayers Alliance.

Pregnant rape survivors would be offered extra money if they dropped allegations, which "tie up the legal system with costly cases against otherwise law-abiding men, which rarely result in convictions." The Taxpayers Alliance estimated that for every pound spent on vouchers, three pounds would be saved from unnecessary lawyers' fees.

The scheme would be entirely voluntary, but those who did not opt in would have their benefits cut and council house taken away, cutting welfare rolls and reducing the tax of hard-working millionaires. Labour MP and Housing minister Caroline Flint was said to be so impressed by the idea she was considering defection.

The idea is not yet official Conservative policy, but David Cameron is said to be looking favourably at it. Insiders suggest the move will be part of an "unofficial white paper" in November before becoming Tory policy in March, so that the Tory press can uncritically report it as a new idea three times.

Pro-choice groups described themselves as "outraged", but the government remained silent so Ruth Kelly can get into heaven.

Dorries denied charges of obsessive mania, saying she was a "progressive, pro-choice MP" and "unlinked to any religious organisation", except for the ones who funded her website and would print her leaflets at the next General Election.

Church of England to split

2008-07-16T09:02:00.001+01:00

Four senior Anglican bishops have split away from the Church of England to form a rival organisation.

The new "Church of ye olde England" aims to "break the mould of religious organisation", according to co-founder and leader Bishop Nazir-Ali.

Nazir-Ali cited differences over the consecration of female bishops and gay marriage, saying he hoped the Church of ye olde England would have a wider appeal than the old Anglican church, attracting conservative Catholics and evangelicals as well as Anglicans.

The experiment is widely expected to fail, allowing atheists to portray the religious as disunited egotists for ten years, after which any attempt by the Anglican church to claim the centre ground of UK religious life will be spun as a vindication of the splitters' move.

Speculation is mounting that the new group will merge with the Mormons and produce an annual newsletter just before Easter showing themselves kneeling at various UK locations with the claim they are "praying hard all year round".

Labour campaign "wrong to canvass"

2008-05-23T17:09:00.002+01:00

The Labour by-election campaign in Crewe has been criticised for canvassing voters.

The controversial activity was used to motivate Labour's core vote, but many people who did no work in the by-election have claimed it was counter-productive, after top Tory Toff David Cameron told them so.

"Now I've never met anyone from Crewe," said someone-or-other who has aspirations to be an MP one day, "but I think it's obvious it was canvassing that alienated voters in this by-election. After all, the Labour Party did more canvassing this time round than we've done in Crewe for decades, and subsequently lost the seat. I'm no logician, but that smacks of a direct causal relationship to me."

Sensible Labour insiders have suggested Tories are scared of the power of the canvassing technique, and are trying to disincentivise Labour from using it in the future by blaming it for the by-election defeat. However, pundits have been quick to point out that Labour are unpopular, and therefore must be wrong.

Labour accused of "telling the truth" in by-election

2008-05-19T21:14:00.004+01:00

Labour have been accused of playing politics after calling Conservative candidate in the by-election for Crewe & Nantwich constituency Edward Timpson a "Tory".

Conservative MP Pickled Egg, who is running the Conservative campaign in Crewe, said the "old-style" tactics had "back-fired".

"Labour seem to think that people will vote on the basis of which party they would prefer to run the country. I think we have moved on. I think Britain is a more civilised place than that."

The Labour Party is said to be divided over the campaign, with people who no-one has heard of saying things that no-one can confirm hearing. According to a journalist who thinks he overheard another journalist in a bar somewhere, Labour Party strategists are split between those who think the by-election campaign should appeal to working class people in Crewe, and those who think it should appeal to working class people in southern marginals.

Jon Cruddas, the one-time failed deputy leadership candidate who turned down a government position to concentrate on being a newspaper columnist, said that Labour was making a mistake by pointing out the party affiliation of the Conservative candidate, and if Labour had really wanted to win the by-election it should've waited until after the COMPASS conference, where Neil Lawson would explain what lessons he had learnt from the 2008 elections.

Labour candidate Tamsin Dunwoody defended the campaign, suggesting what party a candidate for election belongs to is "relevant" and a "good pointer to their concerns, experiences and likely future actions".

And she said that getting activists to dress up as zombie Gwynneth Dunwoodys and chant "one of us, one of us, one of us" was just a "visual reminder of the very real differences between myself and Edward Timpson - our surnames".

Coincidentally, journalists have stopped talking about how unpopular Gordon Brown is and the election is no longer being described as a "referendum on Brown".

Purnell: Unemployed could lose citizenship

2008-02-20T15:03:00.004Z

The long-term unemployed should seek work or face losing their British citizenship, Work and Pensions secretary James Purnell has suggested. "It is not enough to have been born and brought up in Britain," said the minister. "Every citizen must demonstrate their worth to society or lose their entitlements."

Once citizenship is revoked, the unemployed could be detained without charge or time limit and deported to "second countries" willing to take non-nationals in the hope of securing a guarantee from the British government that it will ignore human rights abuses occurring on their territories. Presidents Al-Bashir and Mugabe have already expressed interest in the scheme.

If the scheme was a success, it could be rolled out to all British citizens, according to Purnell. Future Britons would need to "earn citizenship", he said. Children who wanted to become citizens would have to earn the right to vote, receive healthcare and employment rights by passing GCSE English Language, doing charity work and securing references from prominent community figures. They may also have to make a "good-will" payment towards public services in order to "weed out" the poorest who "offer little, but take plenty".

Concerns that not all children could pass GCSE English Language were dismissed by the minister. "If children cannot write six paragraphs on Shakespeare's use of iambic pentameter, how will they integrate into adult society?" he scoffed.

Tories dismissed the scheme as a "flawed gimmick", saying the criteria could disciminate against the independently wealthy who did not contribute anything concrete to society but improved the moral tone of Britain by lending it their name and prestige. The Tory policy of shooting the unemployed was "cheaper and less bureaucratic", said David Davis.

Guest column #5 - The BBC

2008-02-13T23:05:00.002Z

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first. The inclusion of this article was considered carefully. It addresses a serious issue and the Provisional BBC would not want readers to treat the issue lightly. However, the way the article is written and the quote from a Conservative spokesman at the end justify its inclusion.

"Curry houses need more migrants"

By the BBC

The Home Office is being urged to ease restrictions on migrant workers entering Britain from Bangladesh, to avert a crisis in the curry industry.

Curry houses are struggling to fill thousands of kitchen staff vacancies, says the Immigration Advisory Service.

For years, many staff in the UK's 9,000 curry restaurants have been recruited directly from Bangladesh.

But restrictions on the workers have been tighter since eastern Europeans were given employment rights.

It is thought the curry industry in the UK employs at least 50,000 people, with the majority of restaurants Bangladeshi-owned.

'Cultural sensitivity'

According to the IAS, restrictions on lower-skilled workers from outside the EU are causing a labour shortage so severe it could cause "irreparable damage" to the curry industry.

It argues that attempts to get eastern Europeans to work in curry restaurants have failed because they do not have the "cultural sensitivity" required.

The IAS has written to the Immigration Minister, Liam Byrne, asking for the rules to be relaxed for catering workers from Bangladesh.

But government officials said they had no plans to review the current arrangements.

A Border and Immigration Agency spokesman said its objective was to "manage migration in the national interest"

"Striking the right balance between safeguarding the interests of the UK resident work force and enabling UK employers to recruit or transfer skilled people from abroad in order to help them compete effectively in an international market," he said.

Conservative MP Mark Pritchard said figures from the Office of National Statistics showed an already high level of unemployment among UK-based Bangladeshis.

"I oppose any easing of visa restrictions given that the existing Bangladeshi community living in the UK already has the highest unemployment rate of any other ethnic group," he said.

"More needs to be done to get existing UK Bangladeshis into work - and to end claiming state benefits."

Ex-Cabinet minister reminds public of past disagreements

2008-01-01T00:42:00.000Z

A has-been former cabinet minister has reminded voters that he doesn't like Gordon Brown.

Writing in the Observer, he suggested that colleagues had not yet thrown their weight behind the PM, and that he was incapable of conveying this message to them in private.

The public appeal comes after a difficult period for Labour, but Mr Bye-Byers was confident that yet another process story would draw a line under the past few months. "I'm too important to spend my time exposing Tory policies," he told anyone who would listen. "MPs listen to me. If I write an article in the comment pages of a Liberal Democrat newsrag, people will take notice and do what I say."

The Prime Minister has not commented on the article, as he was too busy telling journalists he is busy getting on with the job of being Prime Minister.

Tories: Domestic murder is "disagreement"

2007-12-18T10:23:00.000Z

Domestic murder should be treated differently from "stranger murder", former cabinet minister John Redwood has said.

"None of us want women to be killed," he wrote online, "but there is a difference between a man harming another man's wife, and harming his own."

"If we are not careful we will end up in a world where men are afraid to beat their own partners, for fear they might end up charged with assault. Women will be running amuck, hanging out on the streets at all hours and challenging their husband's authority at the drop of a hat."

Redwood said there should be a graduated scale so men were aware of their entitlements. Men would be entitled to verbally abuse a woman they had not met, pinch the bottom of someone they had just been introduced to, rape someone they had spent an evening with, slap their girlfriend around and kill their marriage partner.

David Cameron has not yet commented on the remarks. An anonymous aide told the Provisional BBC - "He's hoping it will all just go away."

But Redwood confirmed agreement on his behalf: "I've not said anything David would disagree with. It's not possible; he agrees with everyone."

Oxford students vote to allow lynching

2007-11-28T23:37:00.000Z

The Oxford Union has voted to allow a black man to be lynched during a debate on freedom of racism on Monday.

Despite opposition from everybody else, the white students voted by a margin of two to one to go ahead with the lynching.

"If we don't allow the lynching to take place, people won't know it's wrong," said Evan Harris, Lib Dem spokesperson for Spectacularly Missing The Point.

Experienced anti-fascist campaigners warned that allowing a black man to be lynched would give credibility to those who wanted to lynch black people.

But experienced anti-fascist campaigners knew less about beating fascists than PPE students, according to an anonymous PPE student with a rich daddy. "We're not in favour of lynching black people, we're simply in favour of allowing them to be lynched," he explained patiently.

The Oxford Union denied the lynching was simply a stunt to increase membership in the dying organisation.

Labour to consider "women's votes on women's issues"

2007-11-04T13:45:00.000Z

Only MPs self-defining as female would be able to legislate on "women's issues", under proposals being considered by the Labour Party.

The blueprint, drawn up by Labour's Deputy Leader Harriet Harman, would involve a grand committee voting on issues including a woman's right to choose, the gender pay gap and the decriminalisation of prostitutes. The highest ranking female MP would decide which issues counted as "women's issues".

Male MPs would still have the right to vote on gender-wide issues such as taxation, foreign policy and defence, it was claimed. But Tories were quick to criticise the proposals, claiming they were a partisan plot to neutralise a future Conservative government by voting it down repeatedly. Of the 127 female MPs elected in 2005, 98 were Labour representatives: Labour would almost certainly have a majority of female MPs even were they to lose their overall majority.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said the issue had "merit", but only as a news story on a slow day.

But the plans may be shelved after shock polls revealed the hype this issue generated amongst political hacks may be disproportionate to the level of interest shown by the public. Coverage of the issue constituted 76.24% of the average broadcast of The Daily Politics, compared to only 0.00% of the average chat in the pub.

MPs cannot win here, say Liberal Democrats

2007-10-09T22:37:00.000+01:00

MPs cannot win here, according to the Liberal Democrats.

The research, presented as an "artistic representation" of a bar chart, shows that Labour and Conservative MPs received zero votes in the last European elections. In contrast, Liberal Democrat and UKIP candidates received sizeable votes. "It's a two horse race between the Lib Dems and UKIP - Labour and the Tories can't win here," said Lib Dem election strategist Chris Retard.

The findings, published in "Focus" leaflets around the country, have confused residents who thought they had a Labour MP. "It's a travesty of democracy," said Rob, an ex-miner from Barnsley. "I'm a Labour voter through and through, but according to the Lib Dems, my vote doesn't count for anything round here. We need proportional representation now."

Boris Johnson, Tory candidate for Losing the Mayoral Election to Ken Livingstone, said the Lib Dems were "big fat liars". "Liar, liar, pants on fire," said the parody of a public schoolboy.

The Liberal Democrats were recently forced to apologise after misattributing a supportive quote to David Cameron MP. According to Ed Davey, Chair of the Liberal Democrats' Lying Committee, the mistake was made by a deafblind intern who no longer works for the party.

Cameron speaks without words

2007-10-09T22:33:00.000+01:00

David Cameron laid down the gauntlet to Gordon Brown at Tory party conference as he delivered his entire speech without using words.

Armed only with empty gestures, he denied the move was a gimmick, saying " ". Shadow Chancellor George Osbourne described the move as a masterstroke, saying "Voters like him much better when he doesn't say anything."

Despite denials the Tory party are lurching to the right, Mr Cameron spent twenty minutes quite literally waving the flag, and signalled a tough stance on immigration with a series of Nazi salutes (pictured). Outlining Tory economic policy, he trampled on the poor and crushed the weak.

But critics were quick to accuse him of lacking substance, and his repeated use of the middle finger was described as "misjudged" by senior Labour figures. "Actions speak louder than words," said a spokesperson for the Prime Minister, "but words speak louder than mime."

Kennedy "should pay for treatment"

2007-09-15T01:00:00.000+01:00

Liberal Democrat leaders who abuse NHS staff should be charged for their treatment, according to the Liberal Democrats.

"If you get rat-arsed on a Friday night and get taken to A&E where you try to persuade staff their children should be allowed to star in porn movies, is it right for the taxpayers to fund your life-saving treatment?" asked Numpty Lamb, the Lib Dem spokesman on health.

It is not clear what would happen to alcoholics not able to afford life-saving treatment. But Lib Dem Chief of Staff Ed Davey moved to reassure the masses that Scotch Charlie was not short of a bob or two. "The thing about being an MP," said Davey, "is you can't get sacked for turning up to work sozzled."

According to Health Spokesman Lamb, alcoholism is not the only disease whose victims should be forced to pay for their treatment. "Why should the young pay for hip replacements?" asked Lamb, adding "Ming's getting his done on BUPA."

Kennedy maintains he is not an alcholic, never has been, has received professional help to put his alcoholism behind him, and "enjoys a drink or two like everyone else". He denies he is in denial.

Guest column #4 - unknown source

2007-09-07T23:55:00.000+01:00

In an occasional series becoming less occasional, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

Guest column #3 - ABC News

2007-08-06T11:24:00.000+01:00

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

Presidential hopeful defends threat to bomb Mecca

By ABC News

Fiery Republican presidential long-shot Tom Tancredo has defended his suggestion that America should threaten to bomb Muslim holy sites in order to deter a nuclear attack on US soil.

Mr Tancredo first mooted his controversial position last week, prompting the State Department to describe it as "absolutely crazy."

"Yes, the State Department -- boy, when they start complaining about things I say, I feel a lot better about the things I say," the Colorado representative said in a presidential debate in Iowa televised on American ABC.

"My task as president of the United States is primarily to do one thing - by the way, not to make sure everybody has health care or everybody's child is educated - my task is to do one thing: to protect and defend this country.

"And that means to deter - and I want to underline 'deter' - any kind of aggression, especially the type we are threatened with by Al Qaeda, which is nuclear attack.

"I'm telling you right now that anybody that would suggest that we should take anything like this off the table in order to deter that kind of event in the United States isn't fit to be president of the United States."

The State Department on Friday reacted angrily to Tancredo's initial comments.

"Let me just say that it is absolutely outrageous and reprehensible for anyone to suggest attacks on holy sites - whether they are Muslim, Christian, Jewish or those of any other religion," departmental spokesman Tom Casey said.

Tancredo was quoted by the Iowapolitics.com website last week as saying the best way he could think of to deter a nuclear terrorist attack on the United States was to threaten to retaliate by bombing Islamic holy sites.

Boris announces candidature

2007-07-17T01:01:00.000+01:00

Boris Johnson has entered the race to be the Conservative candidate in next year's village idiot elections.

Mr Johnson, one of Britain's best known cokeheads, ended weeks of speculation by announcing he would abandon his constituents to stand in a place he had no connection with.

Although Mr Johnson does not live in a village, villages constitute the only sites of human interaction he has not yet offended. Mr Johnson recently courted controversy by describing cities as "squalid, disease-ridden places full of poor people and Labour voters", and alleged that townships were not far behind.

But there was immediate speculation that voters would not take Mr Johnson's idiocy seriously, with some suggesting his recent employment in a serious profession rendered him unsuitable for the role. "Village idiots are responsible for the integrated humour strategy of the whole countryside," said Lib Dem spokesperson for idiocy Lynne Featherstone. "This isn't just a matter of fluffing your lines on Have I Got News For You; the post requires an idiotic heavyweight."

Johnson laughed off suggestions he would be humiliated by the current Idiot, who won the last two elections in a landslide. "I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support I am receiving," said the buffoon, who has missed the last seven Commons votes on idiocy. "Already the student bodies of both Eton and Harrow have endorsed my candidature unanimously."

The announcement will relieve Tory chiefs, after several high-profile idiots turned down the chance to be the Tory candidate. Senior Tories are rumoured to be treating the race as a "last chance" for Cameron's modernisation plan. They believe Cameron's image is not idiotic enough for traditional Tory voters, and are plotting to replace him with William Hague and a policy platform of pulling out of Europe, abolishing the NHS and gassing immigrants.

Exclusive to The Provisional BBC: latest sub-cabinet appointments

2007-07-02T10:04:00.000+01:00

Gordon Brown is continuing his drive to recruit ministers who no-one elected and have never had anything to do with the Labour Party, the Provisional BBC can reveal.

Following the appointment of Sir Digby Jones as Minister for Screwing Over the Working Class, and former UN official Mark Malloch Brown as Minister for Buying A Couple Of Weeks On Iraq, the new PM got "a bit carried away", according to an unnamed MP about to leave Parliament.

The list of ten names, revealed exclusively to the Provisional BBC, includes former Tory Sebastian Coe, as well as popular chef Jamie Oliver and fictional character John McClane. In Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brown finally found a willing recruit from another party, albeit outside the UK.

Perhaps most surprising inclusion was that of Prince William as Minister for Diana, breaking a long tradition of royal independence from the executive branch of government. But William said he could not turn down the role and promised to put Diana "at the heart of everything the government does". William was the only new recruit not requiring a peerage, as he qualifies under a little-known section of the Magna Carta, 1215.

The Conservatives described the appointments as "crass populism of the worst kind", but admitted they wished they had thought of them first.

The new names in full:

Minister for Africa: Baroness Madonna
Minister for Being From Another Political Party: Lord Arnold Schwarzenegger
Minister for Community Relations: Lord Salman Rushdie
Minister for Diana: Prince William
Minister for Fighting Terrorism: Lord John McClane
Minister for Food: Baroness Victoria Beckham
Minister for Fucking Up The Olympics: Lord Sebastian Coe
Minister for Literacy: Lord David Beckham
Minister for the Prevention of Gun Crime: Lord Quentin Tarantino
Minister for School Dinners: Lord Jamie Oliver

Harman clarification

2007-06-27T11:22:00.000+01:00

Labour's new deputy leader Harriet Harman denies standing for the position.

She told Provisional BBC's Radio Today: "I never said I wanted the position." But during the closely fought election, she was heard encouraging people to vote for her on numerous occasions.

Ms Harman, elected after receiving more of Jon Cruddas' second preference votes than Alan Johnson, said people voted for her out of confusion, not because she ran for the job. Pressed by the Today programme, she clarified "What I actually said is if I'd known then what I know now, I'd be a soothsayer. I don't think that's what Labour Party members elected me for."

She said she had not been declaring her intention to stand, but agreeing with the need for a contest.

It is thought unlikely Harman will become Deputy Prime Minister - her predecessor John Prescott held both roles - as Gordon Brown wants all the power for himself. Asked if she was diasappointed by the news, Harman lied.

Harman was today retrospectively backed by the Sun newspaper. "The name 'Johnson' was a misprint, and should have read 'Harman'" explained Murdoch. "The Sun always backs winners."

Controversy over Satan knighthood

2007-06-27T11:02:00.000+01:00

Religious fanatics have been conducting protests all over the world after Satan was awarded a knighthood for his contribution to rock music.

Satan has been vilified by Christians since playing a key role in the crucifixion of Jesus, the Son of God. He was even forced to go underground after God threatened to throw him into a lake of fire. It wasn't until the 70s that he re-emerged as a force in public life, through the music of Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin.

But Satan is still a controversial figure with devout Christians. Fundamentalists in Texas burned British flags on street corners as George W Bush proclaimed the UK would go the way of Ninevah. The Pope described the move as "untimely", but a matter for the British government.

Outgoing Home Secretary John Reid defended Satan, saying he had played a vital role in the war against Christians. He indicated the government is considering tough new powers against Christians, including the introduction of lions.

Boris Johnson, the Tory spokesperson for idiocy, said he disagreed with the knighthood. "I'm all in favour of Christian-bashing, but drugs have made a far more important contribution to rock music than Satan ever could," said the notorious cokehead.

McLaren in selection row

2007-06-23T15:53:00.000+01:00

Steve McLaren tried to recruit former Welsh striker Ian Rush to the England team, it emerged last night.

McLaren's aides siad he was making good his promise to draw on "all the talents" from across the British footballing spectrum. But no-one explained why this meant asking a senile geriatric to represent a country he spent his footballing career opposing.

Current Welsh captain Robbie Savage described the move as an "insult", maintaining no Welshman would join a team with a chance of winning anything. Welsh sources said McLaren had used "underhand tactics" to expose the Welsh team's failings in an atmosphere of greater scrutiny.

Mclaren's botched attempt also caused controversy amongst his compatriots. Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce is said to be scathing, believing McLaren is trampling over the achievements of the '66 side and betraying the traditions of English football. Allardyce missed out on the England job after failing to secure the necessary nominations from the FA panel.

Miliband rules out candidature again

2007-04-22T10:51:00.000+01:00

David Miliband has ruled out the possibility of standing for the leadership of the Labour Party for the four hundred and fifty first time.

"What I can say," said the Milky Bar Kid, 15, "is that there are no circumstances under which I will challenge Gordon Brown for the leadership of the Labour Party. Let me be clear. I will not be a candidate in this election. If Gordon Brown is hit by a bus tomorrow, I shall vote for his corpse. I have neither the guts nor the support to put myself forwards."

But commentators described his statement as "ambiguous", leaving open the possibility of a last-minute challenge. Harry Hill lookalike Nick Robinson suggested he could be "bounced" into standing should Brown be discovered fornicating with small children. John Reid is said to have offered an amnesty for trafficked minors willing to compromise themselves.

Jack Straw, Mr Brown's campaign manager, said he was taking Miliband's statement at face value. "David's confirmation that he will not stand leaves us free to concentrate on preventing MPs from nominating John McDonnell," said the ex-commie. "One candidate is enough in any election."

Ban on political memoirs

2007-04-10T03:39:00.000+01:00

The Leader of the House has banned politicians from publishing memoirs until all the fuss has died down.

The move follows the publication of diaries by leading politicians from both major parties. Media outlets who failed to secure serialisations yesterday united in protest at what they labelled the "cheapening" of British politics.

Tony Benn - famous for losing the Labour deputy leadership election in 1982 - and Alan Clark - famous for publishing diaries - were among those criticised for taking advantage of ambiguous guidelines to secure large sums of money for their ramblings.

Leader of the House Jack Straw said he was acting on concerns from No. 11 that party unity and discipline were being undermined by the publication of accounts at odds with the official party line. "Inconsistency of message threatens to undo the great strides we have made under our esteemed Chancellor," he read out, adding "Life has become more joyous, Comrades!"

But there were wider concerns that technological advances including the internet and mobile phone technology rendered totalitarian control of information impossible in a modern democracy. "The truth will seep out anyhow," explained Alistair Campbell, from his new apartment at The Priory. "The important thing is to control that seepage." Managed properly, memoirs could strengthen rather than weaken the official line. "People are more likely to believe the diaries of ex-politicians than their official statements when in power," commented the once alcholic and press secretary.

Former public schoolboy David Cameron said the ban was too late as a number of politicans had already sold their stories. He suggested they should be encouraged to give the profits to a political party of their choice, so that public confidence in politicans' integrity was not eroded. Eventually, memoirs could replace peerages as the foremost source of party funding.

But a more radical solution was needed, according to a group of backbench Labour MPs. They proposed to raise MPs salaries so high there would be no incentive to produce memoirs. Minister-turned-rebel Andrew Smith said the government could pay for increases by scrapping Trident.

Toff dies in Iraq

2007-04-07T12:04:00.000+01:00

Prince William is said to be distraught after learning of the death of a "loose acquaintance" who was among the four British soldiers killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq.

Second Lieutenant Joanne Dyer attended Sandhurst military academy at the same time as Prince William, where they bonded over their mutual love of caviar.

A Clarence House spokesperson said: "Prince William was appalled to hear of Jo's death.

"Whilst he understands that loss of life in Iraq is inevitable, he would like to condemn in the strongest possible language the act of putting such a well-bred person on frontline duty. Such duties should be left to the common people, not the officer class of which Jo was a valued member."

David Cameron, leader of the Nasty Party, joined Prince William in criticising the move. "We will continue to vote with the government on Iraq while criticising the war at every opportunity," said the empty hypocrite.

The death raises further questions over the deployment of Prince Harry in Iraq. The Daily Express labelled it a "conspiracy", featuring an exclusive interview with Mohammad Al Fayed in which he suggests "They're trying to finish him off, just like his mother." Harry's partying ways are believed to be an embarrassment to the Royal Family.

Tributes have been paid to the other three soldiers killed on Friday, but no-one can remember their names.

Treasury to be split into two

2007-03-31T00:13:00.000+01:00

The Treasury will be split into two departments in the next six weeks, a spokesperson for Gordon Brown has confirmed.

The Department for Raising Money will take control of setting tax rates, tariffs and cutting benefits. The slimmed down Department for Spending Money will then be left to allocate money towards improving people's lives.

The changes come after a troublesome year in which child poverty rose for the first time since Labour took power. But the Chancellor denied the job was too difficult for him, saying the decision was "tactical". Taking tax-setting powers from his portfolio would remove the controversial aspects of his job and allow him to concentrate on the parts of his role that increased his popularity, explained Brown.

But former chancellors expressed doubts that the coherency of economic policy would be damaged when departments with different interests competed over the same issues. "A Department for Raising Money could be prevented from cutting taxes by a strong Department for Spending Money," claimed Norman Lamont, who fronted David Cameron's Black Wednesday campaign in the early nineties.

Labour candidates in the Scottish and Welsh elections joined together with council candidates all over Britain to confirm that the internal restructuring of government departments was the number one issue being raised on the doorstep. "Voters aren't interested in results, they're interested in having lengthy debates on governmental process," explained one candidate.

New tax credit announced

2007-03-23T23:20:00.000Z

Gordon Brown shocked Tory front-benchers earlier today by announcing a new tax credit aimed at high earners.

The Rich Wankers' Tax Credit will come into force in 2025 and add 36p to the average rich wanker's weekly income. It will be available to anyone earning over 3 million pa with 2.4 children, a racehorse and a Ferrari.

Critics claimed the Chancellor was making rich people dependent on state handouts. "My butler is already over-burdened. Where is he meant to find the time to fill in more forms?" asked Lib Dem millionairess Lynne Featherstone.

Tory leader David Cameron claimed the Chancellor was giving to the rich with one hand, and taking away from them with the other. But sources close to the Chancellor labelled the claims "absurd", saying it was actually the other way round.

The chancellor also came under fire from single millionaires, and from millionaires who live off inherited wealth - none of whom will be eligible. But he insisted these exceptions were necessary to encourage millionaires off the dole and into work.

The credit will be funded by shutting Accident and Emergency centres across the UK. "The language of priorites is the religion of socialism," explained Brown.

Single mothers to blame for global warming, says Cameron

2007-03-12T20:55:00.000Z

David Cameron has proposed a dedicated levy on single mothers, who he blames for global warming.

The Tory leader used spurious evidence to show that both divorce rates and climate change have advanced rapidly over the last fifty years, and must therefore be linked.

"For every single parent there's another parent who lives on his or her own," said the cokehead, wrongly. "If they lived together they could cook together, watch TV together, use half the energy two people living apart would use. That's why we support marriage, and why we will back it through the tax system."

Mr Cameron stressed that he was not saying single parents do a bad job, just that they were the horsemen of the apocalypse. He wanted to "reform" single parents, not punish them.

"This is a behaviour-changing tax," said the Old Etonian. "It's about forcing people to stay in loveless relationships which damage children, and scapegoating single mothers so people won't blame inequality for society's ills."

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne added that the measure would not cause the overall tax burden to increase, as any rises would be offset by tax cuts for the wealthy.

The Tories also propose the replacement of individual income tax with a flat-rate family unit tax. This would encourage the poor to band together through marriage. "We know what's best for them," explained Cameron.

Families reduced to one parent through legitimate means (diseases not sexually transmitted) would be supported through voluntary donations organised by the Church.

Cameron silence over Eton claims

2007-03-04T17:49:00.000Z

Conservative leader David Cameron has refused to deny fresh allegations he attended Eton while taking hard drugs.

The claims emerged in an autobiography published by one of Cameron’s dealers.

Mr Cameron admitted he had done things in his past he was “not proud of”. However, he maintained that “politicians are entitled to a past which is privileged, and remains privileged”.

Throughout his leadership campaign in 2005, Mr Cameron declined to answer questions about his school attendance, though he claimed he had a “typical student experience”. “Most kids go to Eton at some point in their childhood,” said the deluded toff.

Norman Tebbit advised the Conservative leader to come clean about any private education, to put the issue behind him. But nameless apparatchiks suggested there was more: a dark past whose exposure would ruin Tory hopes of victory in a general election.

“When did he stop going to Eton? Did he attend Eton reunions? Did he continue attending Eton reunions after becoming a Tory MP? We need a full disclosure now,” said the anonymous source.

Parents’ groups expressed fears Cameron would seek to make private education more accessible to young children if elected Prime Minister. “Private education blights people’s lives,” said a worried mother. “It cuts people off from reality and brainwashes them with stupid ideas about free markets and health cuts. I won’t let the Tories send my Johnny to Eton.”

According to the autobiography, notorious cokehead Boris Johnson may also have attended Eton. The Spectator editor laughed it off, saying "I can't be expected to remember every little thing that happened during my heroin-taking years."

Brown to reintroduce slavery

2007-03-02T21:52:00.000Z

New immigrants should do hard labour to help them settle before gaining British citizenship, according to Gordon Brown.

Mr Brown, widely expected to be the next prime minister, said citizenship should be a “kind of contract”, where “one person owned the other”.

The chancellor described the practice as a good opportunity for migrants to get used to being exploited. “Slave labour is a necessity in a flexible economy,” he said, arguing Burberry would not have moved production from Wales to China if they didn’t have to pay their workers.

Fellow leadership contender John McDonnell described the proposed scheme as “barbaric”, but was ridiculed by New Labour stalwart Alan Milburn, who said his attitude to workers’ rights was “old-fashioned”.

Labour rebels are widely expected to win concessions - including daily limits on flogging – but whips are confident the bill will pass.

Brown denies the statement was an attempt was deflect attention from his Scottishness.

Meacher finally laid to rest

2007-03-02T21:38:00.000Z

Former minister Michael Meacher will finally be buried after a lengthy court case over who has the rights to his body.

Courts finally decided in favour of his wife after she and his son disagreed over which of Meacher’s nine estates he should be buried in.

Mr Meacher, a former failed deputy leadership candidate, became a minister in Blair’s government when Blair was 44 and he was 59.

A regular pin-up for the 9/11 truth campaign, his suicide came as little shock to insiders who said he had been preparing it for months. But the immediate cause of death was uncertain. Some MPs put it down to ego, whilst others suggested he had been pushed - raising speculation the MP was murdered.

In a fresh twist, last night his parliamentary bag-carrier, Daniel Judelson, claimed he was not dead. “He is not dead, he has got the support of 44 MPs to run for the Labour leadership,” said the poor sod, adding “But I’m not going to tell you who they are.”

Nonetheless, reports of his death were confirmed after rival leadership contender Gordon Brown described Meacher’s candidacy as a “longer suicide note than the 1983 manifesto”.

BNP seeks exemption from new equality legislation

2007-01-24T02:29:00.000Z

The British National party is demanding an opt out from new equality legislation which could allow black people to join up.

Mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine is one of many racists who opposes the move. “I joined the BNP because I’m a racist,” she declared proudly. “This law restricts my freedom of conscience. It says racism is out of place in modern Britain. It says I can’t discriminate on the basis of my deeply held bigoted beliefs. This is just the majority forcing their tolerance on a racist minority.”

Some BNP officials have suggested black people should be banned from the BNP for their own good, citing concerns they might be bullied because of their parents’ backgrounds.

But Culture minister David Lammy said he would be “very surprised” if the government bowed to pressure from fascist thugs. “I think this is an issue of equality,” said the junior minister. “It’s just like saying you can’t adopt a child because you’re gay.”

If the BNP fails to get an exemption, it will be disbanded, according to BNP Fuhrer Nick Griffin. It is not clear why this is a bad thing.

Government to make claiming asylum a criminal offence

2007-01-15T12:39:00.000Z

Claiming asylum will be a criminal offence under new government legislation.

The Asylum & Immigration Bill 2007 is the seventy-second such bill since 1997 and also introduces new standards of proof for establishing the validity of asylum applications. Under the new guidelines, all applicants will be thrown into specially created rivers. If they survive, they will be deported. If not, they will be granted refugee status immediately.

"Migration brings considerable benefits to the UK," said Home Secretary John Reid. "Our economy relies on low-paid foreigners doing long hours in shitty jobs. The problem is these African asylum seekers giving white American, European and Australian migrants a bad name. They don't work, they lounge around all day in detention centres and challenege the verdicts of our courts at every opportunity."

But all this is set to change under the New Asylum Muddle (NAM), which makes claiming asylum a criminal offence with a minimum sentence of six months. Foreign criminals will automatically deported at the end of their terms. The bill also gives local residents associations the powers to imprison suspected asylum seekers, except where they are Lib Dem fronts.

Immigration Minister Liam Byrne denied claims the new system was unfair, saying "No longer will asylum seekers have to spend months in uncertainty waiting for answers. Removal orders will now be issued immediately on arrival, eliminating false hope in a firm, fair system for all."

But the new laws do not go far enough, according to racist think-tank Migration Watch UK. "We are calling on the government to issue compulsory arm-bands to all asylum seekers" said Chairman Sir Andrew Green. "The time has come for the installation of gas-chambers in all airports. Nothing less than the British way of life is at stake."

Guest column #2 - The BBC

2007-01-02T16:33:00.000Z

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

French marchers say 'non' to 2007

by the BBC

Hundreds of protesters in France have rung in the New Year by holding a light-hearted march against it.
Parodying the French readiness to say "non", the demonstrators in the western city of Nantes waved banners reading: "No to 2007" and "Now is better!"

The marchers called on governments and the UN to stop time's "mad race" and declare a moratorium on the future.

The protest was held in the rain and organisers joked that even the weather was against the New Year.

The tension mounted as the minutes ticked away towards midnight - but the arrival of 2007 did nothing to dampen their enthusiasm.

The protesters began to chant: "No to 2008!"

They vowed to stage a similar protest on 31 December 2007 on the Champs-Elysees avenue in Paris.

ITV in cheap ratings grab

2006-12-29T14:35:00.000Z

New ITV boss Michael Grade is to revive the station's flagging fortunes with a reality TV show hosted by Ant and Dec.

The new show, "A Matter of Life and Death", will conduct a worldwide hunt for the man, woman or child most qualified to execute Saddam Hussein. Early reports suggest it will be based on previous hits such as "The X Factor" and "How do you solve a problem like Maria?"

"Since he was declared guilty of genocide, thousands of ordinary Iraqis have volunteered to execute the Baghdad Butcher," said Mr Grade. "This is their chance to prove themselves worthy of winning the opportunity of a lifetime."

Ten Iraqis will be selected at random from the families of Saddam's victims. They will be forced to undergo a series of humiliating rituals, demonstrating the depth of their hatred towards Saddam. The Iraqi British viewers feel displays the strongest desire for revenge will win the chance to execute Saddam on live television.

Leaked reports suggests housemates will perform tasks including guessing the last words of their loved ones, identifying the correct toxins for gassing Kurds and "Who can shower for the longest in the skimpiest niqab". The entire show will take place in a secret location at ITV's Granada studios in Manchester, to prevent reprisal attacks.

The move marks a break from the traditional method of selection where executioners would be appointed by the state. Although details are hazy at this stage, it's understood the Iraqi government will receive around 10% of adshares during broadcasts and a promise not to raid any more police stations.

Tony Blair at first refused to comments on the matter, saying it was a private arrangement between the people of Iraq and ITV. But following repeated questioning, the PM reluctantly confirmed the position outline by his foreign secretary hours earlier. "We are against reality shows," he said from his holiday location at the Bush ranch in Texas. "But we do not interfere in the affairs of other states."

"A Matter of Life and Death" will air in late February.

Cook death a "tragic accident"

2006-12-22T21:23:00.000Z

An official inquiry into the heart disease that killed Robin Cook has found no evidence the politician was murdered.

Lord Stevens, who led the investigation, said the death was a "tragic accident". But a spokesperson for Compass says it does not accept the findings as questions remain "unanswered".

Compass revealed that over 1000 people have signed a statement saying that if Cook was murdered, his killers should be brought to justice.

They suggest Cook was killed over his opposition to the Iraq war, and demand the body is dug up to prove it was not swapped before tests were carried out.

"We dismiss every semi-colon of this 1000 page dossier as a whitewash," said Compass supremo Neal Lawson. "We will not rest until Robin Cook is knighted, sainted and lauded as the one true God. Together we shall prepare for his second coming, casting out demons and issuing pompous e-mails about the good society."

Mr Cook has been likened to rock legend Kurt Cobain, who also died at the top of his game.

Mail on Sunday in "cash for memos" scandal

2006-12-18T14:02:00.000Z

The Mail on Sunday is the latest paper to be implicated in the "cash for memos" scandal.

The gossip rag is alleged to have paid an unpaid intern somewhere in parliament to prepare an internal memo for the Prime Minister. It suggests Labour should pick another leader when Tony Blair stands down.

The memo was dismissed by an anonymous spokesperson. "It was not written by any of the Prime Minister's staff and does not reflect his personal views," said the faceless apparachik.

The staffer may have have offered the paper "an OTTR [off-the-record-remark] or a big M [memo]". There is no evidence of this other than the Mail on Sunday's lousy reputation.

Gordon Brown immediately denied any connection to the affair, likening it to the witch-hunts of the 16th century. SNP leader Alex Salmond condemned the denial as proof the Chancellor is at the heart of the scandal.

Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott waded into the debate over cash for memos by supporting recent calls for the abolition of the Labour party. "The abolition of the Labour Party would reassure the public that there is no corruption in the Labour Party," he said.

The Mail on Sunday denied any wrongdoing, saying "everyone does it".

Cameron reveals plans for fewer black MPs

2006-12-14T11:09:00.000Z

David Cameron has outlined plans to reduce the number of black, women and homosexual MPs. The trendy environmentalist has drawn up a list of all black people, women and homosexuals in the party, dubbed the "A list".

Party Chairman Francis Maude explained the rationale behind the move. "It used to be that niggers had no chance of getting elected as a Tory MP, because no-one would vote for them at selection meetings. But as our members get older and their eyesight fails, they can't always tell who's black and who's white. It's even more difficult with faggots. This list provides our members with the knowledge they need to make informed decisions."

Conservative activists are reportedly delighted by the news. Mortgage consultant and mother-of-two Christine said "It's about time. Everyone knows Tory voters are less likely to vote for someone looking foreign. Why stand a candidate who'll win less votes?"

But Cameron locked horns with traditional elements of the party by refusing to institute all-men shortlists. "Women need to be under the illusion they can be Tory MPs," said the rich cokehead, "otherwise they won't join us and give us money."

Foreign paedophile loose in Britain

2006-12-13T13:02:00.000Z

Police have warned a foreign paedophile has been seen in British supermarkets and toyshops.

The man, "Santa", is notorious for breaking into houses and entering the rooms of children, before "filling their sacks with gifts". Santa can be recognised by his trademark white beard, red hat and jolly "ho-ho" laugh. He also goes by the names "Father Christmas" and "St Nicholas".

Shadow Home Secretary David Davis was quick to blame the government for the scandal. "This man is a known offender - he should not have been let into Britain," he said. But asylum campaigners said border controls were useless against magic.

An angry mob gathered at Santa's home in Lapland after the News of the World published his address. Campaigners have called for a "Santa's law", which would force the government to reveal the name, address and shoe size of all popular myths.

The government rejected calls for such a law in 2000, claiming it could drive offenders underground. However, Home Secretary John Reid has recently indicated he may consider a law as part of his leadership campaign.

Iron lady dies

2006-12-11T10:14:00.000Z

The body of a fourth prostitute found in a Leicestershire wood has been identified as that of Margaret Thatcher, according to unnamed sources.

Although three other prostitutes have been found in the immediate vicinity, police maintain a physical presence is unnecessary.

"She was a bright, bubbly girl with lots of friends and a good sense of humour," said one of her neighbours, adding "She was a prostitute? Must've been her fault then."

Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett spoke for the government, saying "We have noted the passing of Mrs Thatcher. We welcome the transition to an open, stable and prosperous democracy in Britain since 1990." Senior General Than Shwe said he was "saddened" by the news.

Mrs Thatcher presided over massive job losses and forced countless families into poverty, but maintained the measures were necessary to "save Britain from communism".

World could end sooner than we think

2006-12-06T17:53:00.000Z

New research suggests rising obesity levels could cause major food shortages by the year 2020.

The Stern Report, written by US “shock jock” Howard Stern, says food prices will rise as supply goes down, so it’s best just to stop eating now.

PR expert and Tory leader David Cameron responded immediately by eating a lettuce sandwich while an aide forced lard into his stomach with a bicycle pump. Labour ministers promised to reference the incident in every speech for six months afterwards.

Liberal Democrat leader Menzies Campbell said people should be discouraged from eating by raising taxes on food. He denied the measure would hurt the poor, saying proceeds would “fund tax cuts for everyone, some of whom are poor.”

Other possible solutions include a “food rationing” system where overall food consumption would be capped and “food credits” could be exchanged for food or traded freely on the open market. Debate rages over whether the already-emaciated should be subject to the same caps as the already-obese, or whether they should be allowed to reach a healthy weight before being rationed.

Tony Blair promised action, but said an international agreement was needed. “Even if Britons stopped eating completely, the increase in Texas alone would wipe out any reduction in just five years,” said the PM.

Parliament to be privatised

2006-12-05T14:22:00.000Z

The House of Commons could be privatised to pay for rising parliamentary deficits, the Provisional BBC can reveal. Just one week after the Boundary Commission prophesied cuts in the numbers of MPs, campaigners warned our political heritage could be at stake.

The government denies the proposal amounts to privatisation, describing it as a “time-limited lease”. A private company would hire the building for fifty years, committing to repairs and general upkeep. The contractor would then hire the premises back to the country at a profit.

“It’s like getting a mortgage,” said Leader of the Commons Jack Straw. “You avoid pain now and leave it to a future government. The cost will double, leading to cuts in public services and higher taxes, but I’ll have a peerage by then.” He did not explain why a rational individual would get a mortgage if they had other ways of paying for a house.

Prime Minister Tony Blair described Parliament as a “sound investment” for potential contractors. “We will always need a Parliament,” he declared.

Campaigners were against the move, describing it as “privatisation through a gaping hole where the front door ought to be”. They also worried private contractors may add revenue raisers such as a “Parliament Theme Park” or “Hotel Big Ben” unless strict limits were placed on any lease. But their concerns were described as “baseless” by the government, who said they were convinced big business had public interests at heart.

Old person breaks the law

2006-11-30T09:30:00.000Z

An elderly pensioner has broken the law, but claims he should not go to prison. The senior citizen, who cannot be named for legal reasons, claims he should not be arrested as he is “in disagreement” with the law he broke.

He faces trial tomorrow, but maintains he will not pay a fine if found guilty. “I have a big house and a fat private pension,” said the man, 71, “but this is a point of principle. I should be able to ignore the law when it suits me.”

Christine, 33, is a close family member of the accused. “They’re treating him as a criminal, when all he did was break the law,” said the mortgage consultant and mother of two. “But all the while these asylum seekers walk loose on the streets. It’s a travesty of justice.”

Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell said this was an issue close to his heart, as he is also a pensioner. He said the Lib Dems would scrap laws and replace them with “non-binding moral guidelines”, which wouldn’t work but sound fairer.

Pensioners groups complain existing laws are more difficult for pensioners than for ordinary citizens. However, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott argued this was a normal reflection of life. “Everything is more difficult for pensioners,” he said. “Getting dressed, washing themselves, coping with flu… this is no exception.”

It is not clear who is to blame. Local government blames parliament, and parliament blames local government, but one thing is clear. This unnamed lawbreaker has been caught in the crossfire.

Going for pope

2006-11-29T13:21:00.000Z

Tony Blair astounded Catholics worldwide by announcing he will stand for Pope when he steps down as Labour leader. He made the admission on a special episode of “Songs of Praise” after downing a pint of communion wine.

Speculation has long been rife Mr Blair will convert to his wife’s religion when pissing off the DUP no longer matters. But few expected him to challenge for Pope, if only because he is married with kids.

If he is successful, Mr Blair will be the first Labour Prime Minister to go on to the Vatican. But sycophants said if anyone could do it, Mr Blair could. “Nothing is too difficult for Tony,” said Environment minister David Miliband.

Prominent Muslims expressed concern after Blair described the Crusades as an “unfinished work”. “I have always believed in an interventionist God,” he explained. He also promised to ditch the doctrine of transubstantiation, which he described as “Catholicism’s Clause 4”.

The Pope is chosen by a council of leading Catholic bishops after prayer, fasting and bribery. Bookies made Blair favourite as former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi pledged support.

Boundary commission issue stark warning

2006-11-28T10:01:00.000Z

Rising parliamentary deficits could lead to half of seats in the Commons being axed, the Boundary Commission have warned.

Parliamentary deficits have trebled after repeated rises in MPs salaries and expenses. The Boundary Commission caution failure to address the problem could mean crumbling Houses of Parliament, as vital repairs works are ignored.

The Prime Minister denied cuts were widespread, saying “Fewer than 2% of MPs will lose their seats.” But Tories accused him of “New Labour spin” after he admitted retired/dead MPs would not be replaced.

The admission is bad news for NOLS hacks, many of whom have worked for years to qualify as a Blairite PPC. Labour Students ringleader Karim Palant is holding last-ditch talks with the government, who deny NOLS hacks will be unable to find a seat, but admit they “may no longer be able to decide where they stand”.

Sitting MPs complained of increasing workloads after it emerged they could be forced to take on extra constituencies as the number of MPs is reduced. Parliamentary assistants hurriedly listed adverts for unpaid interns on w4mp.com in fear the extra burden would cut down on drinking time.

Even though everyone else is against the cuts, Mr Blair continued to describe the reforms as “crucially necessary for the future of Parliament, even if they neutralise Labour’s biggest most natural campaign issue ahead of the closest General Election in fifteen years.”

David Cameron poisoned

2006-11-25T11:05:00.000Z

Tory leader David Cameron has been rushed to hospital in a suspected poisoning case. Traces of the carcinogenic painkiller phenacetin have been found in his bloodstream, suggesting someone gave him bad coke.

The critic of Tony Blair was returning from a London sushi restaurant when he felt "decidedly queasy". His condition is serious but stable.

Friends of Mr Cameron suggested he had been poisoned because of his opposition to Tony Blair's Labour Party, but a Labour Party spokesperson denied this. "If we were going to kill someone, we'd do it much more efficiently," he said. "He'd be strangled in his bed with a dead whore beside him, not sitting up and talking in hospital."

Scotland Yard officials arrested Cameron's dealer, who Labour's internal records describe as "Labour (weak)". He claims to have added the additive to bulk the weight of the drug, and denies his motives were political. "This bloke came to my door and asked me some funny questions. I told him I was Labour to make him go away," he said, adding "I don't even vote."

Mr Cameron defended his coke habit, saying "I believe in glass tables, not glass ceilings."

Senior police chief: “Legalise rape”

2006-11-24T10:47:00.000Z

A senior British police chief has called on the government to rethink its policy on rape, in an interview with the Sunday Times.

“Rape criminalises thousands of British men each year,” warned Chief Constable Terry Graham. “Our jails are filling up with men who would otherwise be considered normal, law-abiding citizens. Unless we act now, there could be no room left for really dangerous criminals.”

Graham called for the government to release all rapists in custody, except foreign and homosexual rapists – whose crimes may affect men. He also wants the law to be changed so men could only be considered rapists if they fit a narrow pre-conceived stereotype which protects society’s belief only “evil” men can be rapists.

Home Secretary John Reid said he was on television so often he didn’t have time to do his job properly, and he wouldn’t mind but other ministers were getting jealous, so he wouldn’t respond on this one. That, and this was a rare issue where the reactionary side was unpopular, so he didn’t know what to think.

Charities and women’s organisations criticised Graham’s remarks, but the Sunday Times dismissed them as “hysterical lesbians”, saying “We recognise there will be those who disagree, but they are wrong. It is time for a national debate, which we will win.”

Other suggestions for relieving overcrowding have included more frequent use of community punishments, building more prisons and letting David Blunkett loose with an Uzi.

Guest column #1 - The Associated Press

2006-11-18T15:37:00.000Z

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

O.J. Simpson to Discuss Killings

By The Associated Press

Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend, for which he was acquitted, the network said.

The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, the TV network said.

Simpson has agreed to an "unrestricted" interview with book publisher Judith Regan, Fox said.

"O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," the network said in a statement. "In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade."

The interview will air days before Simpson's new book, "If I Did It," goes on sale Nov. 30. The book, published by Regan, "hypothetically describes how the murders would have been committed."

In a video clip on the network's Web site, an off-screen interviewer says to Simpson, "You wrote 'I have never seen so much blood in my life.'"

"I don't think any two people could be murdered without everybody being covered in blood," Simpson responds.

Simpson, who now lives in Florida, was acquitted in a criminal trial of the 1994 killings of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman. Simpson was later found liable in 1997 in a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the Goldman family.

Messages left with Simpson and his attorney Yale Galanter were not immediately returned.

Extremist working in home office

2006-11-17T15:15:00.000Z

Home Secretary John Reid is to examine claims a leading member of a radical political group is working as a senior official at the Home Office.

An investigation by lads mag Nuts! revealed that John Thompson works for the Immigration and Nationality Directorate in Croydon, South London. Mr Thompson is also a member of Amnesty International.

Amnesty has been accused of preaching tolerance towards asylum seekers and "being soft" on foreign criminals - even petitioning for their release. Prime Minister Tony Blair said last August the group would be banned, but no action has been taken so far.

When approached by Nuts! investigators Mr Thompson conveniently denied being a leader in the organisation but admitted he "may have signed a postcard" in what he described as a "moment of madness." Mr Thompson also denies working for the Home Office, claiming he is a labourer from Kent.

John Reid said he had ordered officials to look into the investigation, but Tory Homeland Security Spokesman Patrick Mercer said this was not enough. "To think there is a senior revolutionary working in the Home Office in a very sensitive area is truly worrying," he said.

Amnesty International were not available for comment.

"Vote for a Tory" says Cameron

2006-11-16T15:07:00.000Z

In an exclusive interview with Richard and Judy, David Cameron described Conservative politicians as “misunderstood” and called on the public to show them “love and understanding”.

The plans, dubbed “Vote for a Tory”, were derided by Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. “The Tories don’t need love, they need a good smack in the face,” he derided.

Liberal Democrat Lynne Featherstone claimed there was nothing wrong with rich people per se. “Only a small minority of rich people join the Tory party,” said the multi-millionaire. Party leader Menzies Campbell suggested the government should focus more on preventative solutions. “We need to give Tories more to do, to stop them getting into politics in the first place” he said.

Home Secretary John Reid was in ebullient mood, describing Campbell as a “wuss”. “Preventative solutions are all very well and good,” he said, “but they do nothing to address the problem of Tories already in politics. They are menacing our communities and threatening our elderly.” David Cameron denied fears Tories would rob pensioners of their free television licenses and winter fuel allowances.

Speculation is rife that a “Tory behaviour bill” will be retrospectively included in the Queens Speech. The bill will include extra money for bowling greens and Charlie Chaplin appreciation societies, to keep Tories occupied. The bill will also grant local councils powers to fine Tories setting foot within 500 metres of a voter.

Tories accused of negative campaigning

2006-11-15T12:37:00.000Z

David Cameron found himself at the centre of a political storm after authorising an advert which cast doubt on Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell’s mental health.

The commercial - due to be screened this evening at 7:55pm on Channel 4 - features footage of the ex-athlete fluffing his lines, forgetting his words and losing his marbles. Towards the end of the broadcast, Michael Winner cuts in. “Menzies Campbell,” he asks. “Does he have alzheimers?”

Rival leadership contender Simon Hughes, who lost to Sir Menzies because he is gay, was ordered to condemn the broadcast. “If they’d elected me, this never would’ve happened,” he told the Observer in an exclusive podcast.

Political analyst Nick Robinson pointed out that Hughes had not denied Campbell’s alzheimers. “We’re not as bad as America, but we’re getting more and more like them,” he commented aimlessly.

Labour seized on the advert as proof the Tories were still the “nasty” party. “It’s not Sir Menzies’ fault he’s a spacker,” commented Health minister Caroline Flint, arguing “Sir Menzies mental health is between him and the quarter of a million civil servants who will soon have his details on file.”

The advert comes only a month after Tory supremo George Osbourne called Gordon Brown a “fucking auto.” Brown denied the suggestion, saying the comparison was “deeply offensive to sufferers of the condition.”

Harman “out of touch”

2006-11-14T15:05:00.000Z

Harriet Harman stands accused of being “off message” after using the expression “false consciousness” on the BBC’s Daily Politics show.

Realising her mistake, the Constitutional Affairs minister stopped short of calling for a revolution, but failed to retract her remarks. Asked what the words meant, she said she overheard them in a bar at university and had never really been sure.

Party aparatchniks confirmed the language was not pre-approved by Downing Street, while hard-left activists called the expression “dated” and “off-putting”.

Trendy environmentalist David Cameron said the incident was “further evidence” Gordon Brown is a secret commie. “If he gets in, he’ll nationalise your pets,” warned the Old Etonian.

It also emerged Ms Harman is secretly married to a prominent trade unionist in the Transport and General union. Friends defended her, saying the marriage was “generally known” in the House, but Tories called for her divorce, saying the relationship presented “an inevitable conflict of interests”.

More election-time ammunition

2006-11-10T15:08:00.000Z

Liberal Democrats have called for an opt-out clause in all current, previous and future government legislation.

The “freedom bill” also authorises the complete destruction of all data held by government on individuals, the immediate release of violent criminals and liberalisation of child pornography.

Liberty director Shamri Chakribati supported the bill, warning that forcing people to do things they didn’t want to do may be “incompatible” with human rights.

Labour MPs cautioned individuals were unlikely to pay taxes voluntarily, and even if they did, the abolition of national insurance numbers could make collection difficult. But Liberal leader Menzies Campbell ignored reason, saying “I’ve been reading George Orwell’s 1984 and I can’t grasp the literary truth that dystopian novels are commentaries on the present, not warnings about the future.”

“It’s time to end the state’s intrusion into our private lives,” he told anyone who would listen. Asked exactly what the existence of a medical database would stop individuals from doing, he spluttered before replying “Freedom isn’t about people’s daily lives, it’s a theoretical principle you study at university.”

David Cameron commented in a measured, calm tone of voice, despite talking alarmist nonsense. “Tories would introduce opt-outs for all UK citizens”, he said, though “coloureds, single mothers and dole scum,” would be excluded on grounds of national security.

Church to ditch "unfashionable" homophobia

2006-11-09T11:15:00.000Z

The Church of England will ditch core beliefs to appeal to modern “yoof”. Doctrines set to go include homophobia, sexism and belief in God.

Religious boss Rowan Williams said he had been inspired by the Tories, who have become more popular since toning down their attacks on homosexuals, women and asylum seekers. “Homophobia and sexism have served the church well,” said the bearded wonder, “but it’s time to move on.”

But not everyone was convinced. Churchgoer Christine, a mortgage consultant and mother of two blamed “PC liberalism” for church decline. “British people are naturally prejudiced,” said the ordinary woman. “Traditional Islam is both sexist and homophobic and Islamic conversions are on the increase – this just isn’t the answer.”

Asked how the Church would deal with infamous passages like Phoenetians 3 verse 21, which calls women “unnatural” and an “abomination”, Williams was swift to reply. “We’ll ignore it,” he replied. “The Church has been ignoring passages on social justice for centuries; there’s no reason we can’t ignore other bits too.”

Leaked memos suggest Williams may be willing to compromise with more traditional elements of the Church. The Church would support equality in principle, but propose further limits on abortion in practice.

Wright-Phillips announces resignation

2006-11-07T13:17:00.000Z

Sean Wright-Phillips confirmed his resignation from Chelsea Football Club with immediate effect as of yesterday. Wright-Phillips will continue as a registered player, and maintain his membership of Chelsea Supporters’ Club. He said he was resigning due to “irreconcilable differences” with his boss Jose Mourinho, and in order to campaign for a drawn Premiership.

“It’s not good for the Premiership if Chelsea win by twenty points every year,” said the diminutive right-winger, who failed to fulfil his early promise. He promised to draw up a list of exactly which games needed to be lost and won and by which sides in order to produce joint title-winners. Wright-Phillips, son of BBC football pundit Ian Wright, denied there could be collective action problems, saying “I am an idiot.”

The player was quick to stress he had only resigned from the Chelsea team, and would stay a member of Chelsea Supporters’ Club. This despite rule four section d of the club constitution, which states that supporters may be expelled from the club if they support other teams. The rule was instituted after Arsenal supporters signed up en masse in the 80s, in an attempt to take over the club.

Wright-Phillips also suggested Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has links to the oil industry. “I’m not bitter,” said the player, adding “Mourinho promised me games. He’s a filthy liar.” Chelsea dismissed the accusations, pointing out Wright-Phillips signed a new contract only last week.

Political correctness blamed for Darfur genocide

2006-11-06T16:53:00.000Z

Following sustained international pressure, the Sudanese Government has named political correctness as the prime mover behind genocide in Darfur.

"It’s political correctness gone mad," said Vice-President Ali Osman Taha. Sudan has previously refused to name names, claiming it would prosecute culprits internally. UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan welcomed the news, saying co-operation was crucial if conflict was to be averted. But critics argued the statement posed more questions than it answered, including "When did political correctness go mad?" and "How long was it before anyone realised?"

Political correctness is no stranger to controversy. It has already been accused of restricting freedom of harassment and causing the breakdown of the family unit. "All the warning signs were there," said Lynda Lee Potter, a fierce critic of the concept. "This monster was never really under control," she added, adding "Our children’s future is at stake."

The killer’s precise whereabouts are unknown, but the international community has pledged assistance in rooting it out "wherever it lies". The UN has begun assembling crack teams of specialist troops, including comics Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning, as well as football pundit Ron Atkinson. Atkinson declared he had a personal score to settle, after political correctness cost him his job.

Not everyone believed the claims. An anonymous e-mail argued political correctness lacked the capacity to carry out the attacks, claiming it was just a bogeyman created by the media to legitimate attacks on equality and local government. The media refused to comment, labelling critics "conspiracy theorists" and "communists."

Sudan’s civil war raged from 1983 to 2005, killing lots and displacing lots more. Since January 2003, lots have also been killed in Darfur and lots more displaced.

Slow news day

2006-11-03T15:40:00.000Z

New research confirms what we already thought, according to new research conducted by a university. The research examined research examined in national newspapers, and found 93.5% of it validates what everyone already knew, described by the report as “common sense”.

The report also suggested ways of curing diseases previously thought incurable, and discovered how to stop climate change without altering existing patterns of human behaviour, but these conclusions were deemed less newsworthy by our editor.

If the research is true, there could be far-reaching consequences for the future of research. Indeed, there will be those who claim that new ideas are a waste of time and taxpayers’ money, since the vast majority of what we already think is likely to be true.

Other universities were quick to query the research. “This report contradicts a long series of better reports which are better,” said a scientist/professor. “We strongly caution against ignoring research, at least until the matter has been more thoroughly explored.”

Race boss agrees with racists

2006-11-02T14:07:00.000Z

Race boss Trevor Phillips spoke out yesterday, calling Romanians and Bulgarians “dirty cheating thieving bastards”.

Phillips was particularly critical of thirteen year old Romanian girls, claiming they were stealing jobs from British prostitutes. He urged paedophiles to boycott the girls in favour of their British counterparts.

He also suggested Britain should bring back the death penalty for foreign criminals. He labelled double punishment – the process where foreign criminals are locked up before being deported to countries where their lives are in danger – as “a waste of British taxpayer’s money”, and suggested cutting out the middle man would be better for everyone.

Ordinary racists seized on Phillips’ comments, saying it was a victory for “common sense prejudice”. Mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine, 33, said “You can’t open the paper without seeing Bulgarian rapist this and Romanian murderer that. They’re not as bad as the darkies but we still don’t want them here.”

BNP leader Nick Griffin commented “There was a time in Britain where you couldn’t say something racist without being labelled a racist. I am glad that time is over.”

London Mayor Ken Livingstone criticised Phillips, saying he was worse than Hitler, Idi Amin, Stalin and Thatcher put together.

Anti-war rebel: “Tax the poor”

2006-11-01T13:06:00.000Z

“More needs to be done,” was the CBI’s verdict, as anti-war rebel John Denham revealed plans to introduce a “poor tax” to pay for cuts in business and income tax.

The CBI demanded reparations for “decades of inequality” where the rich have paid more tax than the poor. Reparations would “create new business opportunities for leaders with proven track records,” lied the millionaires.

“It’s unacceptable people are still poor in this day and age,” said Denham. He described the tax as a disincentive, and said the poor have a “moral responsibility” to become richer. The plans have won wide cross-party support. Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell said “For too long, poverty has made middle-class people feel guilty. But now we have the environment to feel guilty about. The poor can go screw themselves.”

Awkward squad members John McDonnell and Jeremy Corbyn labelled the plans “Victorian”. But their remarks were derided by an up and coming junior minister who no one has heard of. “We have to help the poor to help themselves,” said the white middle-class male 40-something loyalist.

The Labour Party faces debts of over £20 million.

Blair refuses to declare ceasefire

2006-10-31T12:10:00.000Z

Tony Blair faces mounting pressure to declare a ceasefire between Heather Mills and Sir Paul McCartney. Last night he ignored an influential cross-tabloid group of gossip columnists, who called for a parliamentary debate on the subject.

Relentless self-publicist David Cameron was quick to denounce Mr Blair. “Once again, the Prime Minister has shown he is out of touch with the concerns of tabloid editors,” he denounced, adding “He’s more interested in knife crime and childcare than the private lives of the rich and famous.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister denied Mr Blair wanted to prolong the conflict, saying he was working hard behind the scenes to resolve the issues. But campaigners accused him of not wanting to jeopardise the “special relationship” with Geldof.

In the latest development, Mills’ legal team accused McCartney of “disproportionate use of force” and called for an immediate cessation of hostilities on either side. But McCartney refuses to believe Mills has nothing to do with a series of increasingly nasty media reports about their private life, and is insisting these stop before he comes to the negotiating table.

It is not clear if anyone cares.

Another deputy leadership candidate

2006-10-30T15:40:00.000Z

Nye Bevan will challenge for the deputy leadership of the Labour Party, according to inside government sources.

The shock move has surprised those who thought he was dead. Party officials cast doubt on his chances, saying only MPs can challenge for the role. But the Labour legend was quick to respond, saying he was never deselected by his constituency party and would mount a legal challenge to take up his seat in the Commons.

To get on the ballot paper, Bevan must secure the nominations of 44 Labour MPs. Coincidentally, this is the exact number who have not announced they will stand for the position.

The move threatens to derail the Peter Hain campaign. The anti-apartheid campaigner has already seen his support drop after a series of people much better than him announced their candidature. Hain is seen as a unifying candidate: both left and right think him slimy and untrustworthy.

But campaigners questioned Nye’s record. According to a Lib Dem website, Bevan is “very old” compared to “not very young” and “very much Welsh” compared to “not English”.

Bookmakers made him fourth favourite for the post at 11/1, behind Hilary “Silent” Benn (3/1), Harriet “Woman” Harman (9/2) and John “ ” Cruddas (9/1).

Madonna: I will see job through

2006-10-26T11:31:00.000+01:00

Madonna is refusing to set out a timetable for returning baby David Banda to Malawi, saying he will only leave when the job is complete.

The singer has attracted international criticism for adopting the baby under false pretences, but will not apologise. "I can apologise for the effects of the adoption, but I cannot in all honesty apologise for the adoption," she told Oprah yesterday, adding "God told me to do it."

Pressure is growing on Madonna to name a date when David will be returned to his father in Malawi, but she would not succumb, saying the baby would stay in Britain until it asked to leave.

Five people gathered outside the Malawian embassy, carrying banners labelling the adoption "illegal" and "immoral". Madonna denied the protest was a response to the adoption, saying there was a long history of democratic protest and that people protested before the adoption as well as after.

The entertainer and her slightly less famous husband, Guy Ritchie, urged the public to "support our boy," arguing the adoption was now a reality and the boy could not support himself on his own.

Speculation mounted the couple would look to adopt a Rwandan boy next. A large rally is planned next Saturday around the demands "Give Banda Back, No Rwandan Adoption, Resist The Colonial Imperialism Of Israeli Fascists, No Trident." Organiser Lindsey German warned "Your child could be next."

Britain becoming "apartheid society"

2006-10-20T15:27:00.000+01:00

Race experts warned Britain is fast becoming an apartheid society as the first Muslim strip-club opened in Dewsbury. Dancers at the adult-only venue strip to a see-through niqab, allowing them to demean themselves whilst technically satisfying the demands of their religion.

The news follows the sacking of a Muslim stripper who refused to remove her veil in the presence of men. Local MP Shahid Malik supported the action, saying "She has put herself in a position where she can't do her job."

Moderate Muslims condemned the club, saying "The vast majority of Muslims are law abiding citizens who abide by the law." Many support government proposals forcing Christian strip-clubs to employ 25% Muslim women.

Ordinary Britons were aghast at the news. "If they live in Britain, they should strip like the British", said mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine, 33. In a recent poll undertaken by YouGov in conjunction with TalkSport, 96% of those questioned described Muslims as "too religious".

Tory fuhrer David Cameron told reporters that whenever Tony Blair attacked Muslims, the Tory party would put politics aside and support him resolutely. However, the Tories would not put economic stability before tax cuts.

Fresh donor row

2006-10-19T15:07:00.000+01:00

A Labour donor stands accused of receiving privileged access to politicians and the policy-making process because of her financial contribution to the party.

The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, donated £36 to Labour. She subsequently received invitations to meet prominent politicians and “have her say” in the drafting of the next Labour election manifesto.

A party spokesman refused to comment on individual cases, but said the “membership” system was fully approved by the Electoral Commission. Party chair Hazel Blears faced immediate calls to name all others who donated under the controversial arrangements.

Lib Dem leader Sir Menzies Campbell declared the Labour Party morally bankrupt. Though his party run a similar system, the pensioner proudly acknowledged there are no benefits to being a Lib Dem member.

Tony Blair denied donors had a say in policy, arguing “Trade unions are our biggest donors, and we ignore everything they say.” He admitted the party was in debt and offered to stay in power to avoid a costly leadership election.

Tory pin-up

2006-10-18T10:30:00.000+01:00

Kate Moss has signed up as the new face of the next Tory election campaign, according to various sources. The model - a scantily clad picture of whom is opposite this piece - was approached after PR moguls decided people were more likely to vote for attractive women than balding fat middle-aged men.

The adverts will feature Ms Moss in a range of provocative poses, with the message "Vote Tory" inscribed against a blue background. David Cameron denied the posters suggested Ms Moss was standing for the Conservatives, saying "We will not put tax cuts before economic stability." However, he moved to reassure traditional Conservative voters, saying "We will share the proceeds of growth."

Amidst strong rumours the pair met through their dealer, an anonymous friend told us "Kate hasn't done coke for months. What's more, she wouldn't be seen dead anywhere near Cameron if she weren't making millions off it. Actually she votes Labour."

The moves look set to usher in a new era of politics, with glamour model Jordan suggesting she will stand for Labour next time round. Feminist groups expressed outrage as she promised to "get the tits out for the lads" should she win, whilst MPs rushed to the plastic surgeon in an attempt to guarantee their reselection.

Ms Moss is still going out with junkie Pete Doherty, though no-one quite knows why. Doherty invited fresh controversy last night after cutting open his AIDS-ridden body and bleeding all over an innocent child from Darfur.

Celebrities could "take over" by 2016

2006-10-17T10:52:00.000+01:00

If current trends continue Britain's celebrities will outnumber non-celebrities by the year 2016, according to the latest research from Celebrity Watch.

Britain is fast being swamped by waves of celebrities who refuse to work and expect the rest of us to prop up their extravagant lifestyles. Home Office officials would not confirm Celebrity Watch's figures, but admitted in private they were unsure Britain could cope with a sustained influx of celebrities.

"They talk about their human rights," said mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine, "but what about the rights of the majority to be prejudiced?" Fears have been expressed about celebrities' lavish dress sense and wild behaviour, at odds with the average hard-working Briton's family lifestyle. The new research comes only a week after former Home Secretary Jack Straw said he would not admit celebrity constituents to his surgeries unless they donned jeans and a t-shirt.

The Conservative Party revealed plans for a quota system, where a set number of celebrities would be absorbed every year. These plans were described as insufficient by UKIP, who believe they can win Tory voters disillusioned with David Cameron by taking a firm anti-celebrity approach.

"Celebrities make a valued contribution to British culture," said TonyBlair last night. "They entertain us and give journalists something to write about. But the government recognises people's fears about celebrities and we are committed to a fair, common-sense approach to celebrity."

Home Secretary John Reid was more bullish, and strengthened rumours he might run against Gordon Brown for the leadership of the Labour Party when Tony Blair stands down, saying "If I was Prime Minister I'd deport the lot of them."

Celebrity Watch denied claims their figures were made up and labelled accusations of connections to Nazi pressure groups "irrelevant".

Panorama reveal "bung culture" in politics

2006-10-16T18:15:00.000+01:00

The government was thrown into chaos last night when the BBC programme Panorama revealed Labour made illegal approaches to Shaun Woodward before he signed for them in 1999. According to Panorama, Labour arranged secret meetings with turncoat Woodward before making official enquiries about his availability.

Tony Blair said he would not comment as he had not seen the footage due to a vote in the Commons. Tory leader David Cameron called for an independent inquiry, saying that if the accusations were true, Labour should be "banned from politics". Menzies Campbell, leader of the Liberal Democrats, would only say that this was further evidence of the need for proportional representation in the UK.

If the allegations prove true, they could be highly damaging for the government. It is only the latest in a series of high-profile transfer bust-ups affecting Britain's top clubs. Out of favour George Galloway signed for rival socialists Respect just weeks after being sacked by Labour for professional misconduct. Maverick Scottish left-winger Tommy Sheridan transferred to conference side Solidarity after former club SSP claimed he "refused to play for them".

According to anonymous insiders, Woodward could be only the tip of the iceberg. Tapping up is regarded as commonplace in government. England legend Winston Churchill was said to have been tapped up twice in his distinguished career. Churchill won government's ultimate prize in his first spell as Prime Minister - a World War - but failed to impress in his second stint with the club.

Woodward claimed his comments had been taken out of context, and that he had been bragging about his close relationship with Peter Mandelson in order to get a job. He said money not a factor in his decision to join Labour, saying "I have no interest in a ministerial salary. I joined Labour because I wanted to be part of a club that can win things."

Liberal Democrats must improve

2006-10-12T17:45:00.000+01:00

The Liberal Democrats must improve or risk the imposition of private management, according to a standards watchdog.

The party fell foul of the watchdog after consistently coming third in general elections since its establishment in 1988. It was criticized for failing to provide best value to its voters - unlike the Labour and Conservative parties, which ran governments and had policies.

Under new government legislation, private management could be imposed on the party unless it raises its game fast. In extreme cases, parties could be closed down to leave political space for new, better parties to emerge.

Party leader Menzies Campbell questioned the report, claiming it misunderstood the motives of Liberal Democrat voters. “I think the Liberal Democrats provide excellent value for our voters,” he said. “Our voters don’t want policies or action, they want to sit on the sidelines and bitch about the government.”

Sir Ming’s comments will strengthen critics of the new laws, who claim the Lib Dem’s problems are rooted not in the party but in the people they represent. Constitutional Affairs spokesperson Harriet Harman dismissed these fears, saying “It’s not an excuse. Middle class people shouldn’t be denied access to quality political representation on account of their background.”

If the party fails to improve, it could be taken over by private companies, faith organizations or local parents. The Muslim Assocation of Britain have already expressed interest, after achieving success in local elections with fringe party Respect. However, they face the prospect of fierce bidding competition from Fathers4Justice and entrepreneur Richard Branson.

Ming Campbell will be 65 next year.