The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Gove recalls maths textbooks

New Secretary of State for Education Michael Gove has issued instructions to schools to return all maths textbooks after discoveries they include rudimentary errors.

The books, in relating the concepts of fractions and percentages, describe 1/2 as 50% instead of the more modern version of 55%.

Chapters on decimal points will be removed entirely, as, according to senior Tory sources, "that sort of thing isn't really considered important any more".

Schools minister Nick Gibb said the mistake was further evidence of "dumbing down" under Labour. "Just because it's easier to multiple and divide by 50 than 55 doesn't make it right," said the newly-appointed junior minister. "I don't see why we can't go back to pounds and ounces anyway."

But mathematics experts said the recall was unnecessary. Professor Cognac of Queen Victoria University said 50% was a perfectly reasonable figure for 1/2, and described the new figure as "fuzzy math".

Asked to comment on the professor's views, Gove responded "I'm paid to entertain [nonsense], and that's what I'm doing."

Liberal Democrats agreed with the move. A Liberal Democrat spokesperson issued a statement, but none of our reporters saw much point in reading or commenting on it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Lib Dems blame Labour for coalition with Tories

Senior Liberal Democrats have lashed out at the Labour Party over Nick Clegg's reluctant decision to hand David Cameron the keys to Number 10 Downing Street.

"I'm disgusted Labour didn't agree to adopt our entire manifesto as a basis for governing," said A Liberal Democrat Who Wasn't Nick Clegg Or Vince Cable, rumoured to be ear-marked by Cameron as the future Minister for Beards, one of four posts to be created especially so Liberal Democrats can be ministers without actually doing anything. "As a result, we have been forced into accepting the Tories' offer of a half-chewed peanut and a broken Dinky Toy."

In a joint statement, John Redwood and Nadine Dorries said they understood that there were concerns "dinosaurs" in the Parliamentary Labour Party might not accept the compromises necessary for coalition government, and they looked forward to working with their new coalition partners on climate change and reproductive rights.

Former Foreign Secretary Malcolm Rifkind said he was relieved the Liberal Democrats had finally done the honourable thing in putting Cameron into Number 10, after first acting honourably in negotiating with the Tories and then covering themselves in dishonour by negotiating with Labour. "I am glad Mr Clegg has acknowledged our right to rule, so cruelly denied for 13 years," said the veteran Tory, adding, "The lower parties must learn their place."

Meanwhile David Miliband revealed he, and all the other candidates for the Labour leadership, were "saddened" by news of the coalition, before telling anyone who would listen they could quote "senior Labour sources" as being ready to swing behind his campaign just as soon as it was deemed appropriate to start campaigning.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.