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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Church divided on swine flu

The church has divided on the issue of who God is punishing by the imposition of swine flu on His creation.

A spokesperson from the Church of Hope and Grace In The Name Of He Who Sent His Unblemished Lamb As Lord and Saviour to Rescue Us From The Iniquity of Our Own Failings said it was "definitely the gays. Definitely."

LGBT Christian groups seized on this proclamation to suggest God is moving with the times, saying the relative scale of the disease, with only a handful of people dying and others recovering, showed God was not as pissed off with homosexual people as He used to be. But atheist groups labelled this a logical fallacy, saying it could just mean God's powers are on the wane.

Other Christian groups said the disease had nothing to do with homosexuality. A trendy vicar from Muswell Hill said "We run the risk of making everything about our preoccupation with homosexuality, rather than listening to God and seeing what He has to say to us. Clearly this global pandemic is a punishment for the war on Iraq."

The Vatican issued a brief statement commending God for learning from his mistakes, by bringing forth a disease that could not be prevented through contraception.


andy amoss said...

Is there not scope for the possibility that the disease is a punishment from God on those who insist that all the bad in things in the world are an act of punishment of God on some ill behaving group or other?

tim f said...

I wish I'd thought of that.

My favourite one that's commonly used is the idea that AIDS is a punishment from God (which presumably is why it is spreading faster in geographical areas experiencing the fastest church growth, and why the most common ways of getting AIDS include being a rape victim, having consensual sex within marriage, and being born to someone who carries HIV).

Although I do remember someone who will remain nameless once suggesting to me that possibly the reason the trains were in a mess in the UK was that God was punishing us for having a gay transport minister (Mandelson, at the time). I suggested that it was more likely that God was punishing us for historic under-investment in the railways and for privatising them in a really stupid, ill-advised way.

Stewart Cowan said...

You should be ashamed of your bad taste.

tim f said...

Are you serious? If so, lighten up.

The Bohemian Philosopher said...

I don't quite comprehend why people have such a need to create blame for absolutely every bad thing that happens. Sometimes bad things just happen, can't we leave it at that and attempt to rectify the situation?

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