The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Boris announces candidature

Boris Johnson has entered the race to be the Conservative candidate in next year's village idiot elections.

Mr Johnson, one of Britain's best known cokeheads, ended weeks of speculation by announcing he would abandon his constituents to stand in a place he had no connection with.

Although Mr Johnson does not live in a village, villages constitute the only sites of human interaction he has not yet offended. Mr Johnson recently courted controversy by describing cities as "squalid, disease-ridden places full of poor people and Labour voters", and alleged that townships were not far behind.

But there was immediate speculation that voters would not take Mr Johnson's idiocy seriously, with some suggesting his recent employment in a serious profession rendered him unsuitable for the role. "Village idiots are responsible for the integrated humour strategy of the whole countryside," said Lib Dem spokesperson for idiocy Lynne Featherstone. "This isn't just a matter of fluffing your lines on Have I Got News For You; the post requires an idiotic heavyweight."

Johnson laughed off suggestions he would be humiliated by the current Idiot, who won the last two elections in a landslide. "I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support I am receiving," said the buffoon, who has missed the last seven Commons votes on idiocy. "Already the student bodies of both Eton and Harrow have endorsed my candidature unanimously."

The announcement will relieve Tory chiefs, after several high-profile idiots turned down the chance to be the Tory candidate. Senior Tories are rumoured to be treating the race as a "last chance" for Cameron's modernisation plan. They believe Cameron's image is not idiotic enough for traditional Tory voters, and are plotting to replace him with William Hague and a policy platform of pulling out of Europe, abolishing the NHS and gassing immigrants.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Exclusive to The Provisional BBC: latest sub-cabinet appointments

Gordon Brown is continuing his drive to recruit ministers who no-one elected and have never had anything to do with the Labour Party, the Provisional BBC can reveal.

Following the appointment of Sir Digby Jones as Minister for Screwing Over the Working Class, and former UN official Mark Malloch Brown as Minister for Buying A Couple Of Weeks On Iraq, the new PM got "a bit carried away", according to an unnamed MP about to leave Parliament.

The list of ten names, revealed exclusively to the Provisional BBC, includes former Tory Sebastian Coe, as well as popular chef Jamie Oliver and fictional character John McClane. In Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brown finally found a willing recruit from another party, albeit outside the UK.

Perhaps most surprising inclusion was that of Prince William as Minister for Diana, breaking a long tradition of royal independence from the executive branch of government. But William said he could not turn down the role and promised to put Diana "at the heart of everything the government does". William was the only new recruit not requiring a peerage, as he qualifies under a little-known section of the Magna Carta, 1215.

The Conservatives described the appointments as "crass populism of the worst kind", but admitted they wished they had thought of them first.

The new names in full:

Minister for Africa: Baroness Madonna
Minister for Being From Another Political Party: Lord Arnold Schwarzenegger
Minister for Community Relations: Lord Salman Rushdie
Minister for Diana: Prince William
Minister for Fighting Terrorism: Lord John McClane
Minister for Food: Baroness Victoria Beckham
Minister for Fucking Up The Olympics: Lord Sebastian Coe
Minister for Literacy: Lord David Beckham
Minister for the Prevention of Gun Crime: Lord Quentin Tarantino
Minister for School Dinners: Lord Jamie Oliver

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.