The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Miliband rules out candidature again

David Miliband has ruled out the possibility of standing for the leadership of the Labour Party for the four hundred and fifty first time.

"What I can say," said the Milky Bar Kid, 15, "is that there are no circumstances under which I will challenge Gordon Brown for the leadership of the Labour Party. Let me be clear. I will not be a candidate in this election. If Gordon Brown is hit by a bus tomorrow, I shall vote for his corpse. I have neither the guts nor the support to put myself forwards."

But commentators described his statement as "ambiguous", leaving open the possibility of a last-minute challenge. Harry Hill lookalike Nick Robinson suggested he could be "bounced" into standing should Brown be discovered fornicating with small children. John Reid is said to have offered an amnesty for trafficked minors willing to compromise themselves.

Jack Straw, Mr Brown's campaign manager, said he was taking Miliband's statement at face value. "David's confirmation that he will not stand leaves us free to concentrate on preventing MPs from nominating John McDonnell," said the ex-commie. "One candidate is enough in any election."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Ban on political memoirs

The Leader of the House has banned politicians from publishing memoirs until all the fuss has died down.

The move follows the publication of diaries by leading politicians from both major parties. Media outlets who failed to secure serialisations yesterday united in protest at what they labelled the "cheapening" of British politics.

Tony Benn - famous for losing the Labour deputy leadership election in 1982 - and Alan Clark - famous for publishing diaries - were among those criticised for taking advantage of ambiguous guidelines to secure large sums of money for their ramblings.

Leader of the House Jack Straw said he was acting on concerns from No. 11 that party unity and discipline were being undermined by the publication of accounts at odds with the official party line. "Inconsistency of message threatens to undo the great strides we have made under our esteemed Chancellor," he read out, adding "Life has become more joyous, Comrades!"

But there were wider concerns that technological advances including the internet and mobile phone technology rendered totalitarian control of information impossible in a modern democracy. "The truth will seep out anyhow," explained Alistair Campbell, from his new apartment at The Priory. "The important thing is to control that seepage." Managed properly, memoirs could strengthen rather than weaken the official line. "People are more likely to believe the diaries of ex-politicians than their official statements when in power," commented the once alcholic and press secretary.

Former public schoolboy David Cameron said the ban was too late as a number of politicans had already sold their stories. He suggested they should be encouraged to give the profits to a political party of their choice, so that public confidence in politicans' integrity was not eroded. Eventually, memoirs could replace peerages as the foremost source of party funding.

But a more radical solution was needed, according to a group of backbench Labour MPs. They proposed to raise MPs salaries so high there would be no incentive to produce memoirs. Minister-turned-rebel Andrew Smith said the government could pay for increases by scrapping Trident.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Toff dies in Iraq

Prince William is said to be distraught after learning of the death of a "loose acquaintance" who was among the four British soldiers killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq.

Second Lieutenant Joanne Dyer attended Sandhurst military academy at the same time as Prince William, where they bonded over their mutual love of caviar.

A Clarence House spokesperson said: "Prince William was appalled to hear of Jo's death.

"Whilst he understands that loss of life in Iraq is inevitable, he would like to condemn in the strongest possible language the act of putting such a well-bred person on frontline duty. Such duties should be left to the common people, not the officer class of which Jo was a valued member."

David Cameron, leader of the Nasty Party, joined Prince William in criticising the move. "We will continue to vote with the government on Iraq while criticising the war at every opportunity," said the empty hypocrite.

The death raises further questions over the deployment of Prince Harry in Iraq. The Daily Express labelled it a "conspiracy", featuring an exclusive interview with Mohammad Al Fayed in which he suggests "They're trying to finish him off, just like his mother." Harry's partying ways are believed to be an embarrassment to the Royal Family.

Tributes have been paid to the other three soldiers killed on Friday, but no-one can remember their names.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.