The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Treasury to be split into two

The Treasury will be split into two departments in the next six weeks, a spokesperson for Gordon Brown has confirmed.

The Department for Raising Money will take control of setting tax rates, tariffs and cutting benefits. The slimmed down Department for Spending Money will then be left to allocate money towards improving people's lives.

The changes come after a troublesome year in which child poverty rose for the first time since Labour took power. But the Chancellor denied the job was too difficult for him, saying the decision was "tactical". Taking tax-setting powers from his portfolio would remove the controversial aspects of his job and allow him to concentrate on the parts of his role that increased his popularity, explained Brown.

But former chancellors expressed doubts that the coherency of economic policy would be damaged when departments with different interests competed over the same issues. "A Department for Raising Money could be prevented from cutting taxes by a strong Department for Spending Money," claimed Norman Lamont, who fronted David Cameron's Black Wednesday campaign in the early nineties.

Labour candidates in the Scottish and Welsh elections joined together with council candidates all over Britain to confirm that the internal restructuring of government departments was the number one issue being raised on the doorstep. "Voters aren't interested in results, they're interested in having lengthy debates on governmental process," explained one candidate.

Friday, March 23, 2007

New tax credit announced

Gordon Brown shocked Tory front-benchers earlier today by announcing a new tax credit aimed at high earners.

The Rich Wankers' Tax Credit will come into force in 2025 and add 36p to the average rich wanker's weekly income. It will be available to anyone earning over 3 million pa with 2.4 children, a racehorse and a Ferrari.

Critics claimed the Chancellor was making rich people dependent on state handouts. "My butler is already over-burdened. Where is he meant to find the time to fill in more forms?" asked Lib Dem millionairess Lynne Featherstone.

Tory leader David Cameron claimed the Chancellor was giving to the rich with one hand, and taking away from them with the other. But sources close to the Chancellor labelled the claims "absurd", saying it was actually the other way round.

The chancellor also came under fire from single millionaires, and from millionaires who live off inherited wealth - none of whom will be eligible. But he insisted these exceptions were necessary to encourage millionaires off the dole and into work.

The credit will be funded by shutting Accident and Emergency centres across the UK. "The language of priorites is the religion of socialism," explained Brown.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Single mothers to blame for global warming, says Cameron

David Cameron has proposed a dedicated levy on single mothers, who he blames for global warming.

The Tory leader used spurious evidence to show that both divorce rates and climate change have advanced rapidly over the last fifty years, and must therefore be linked.

"For every single parent there's another parent who lives on his or her own," said the cokehead, wrongly. "If they lived together they could cook together, watch TV together, use half the energy two people living apart would use. That's why we support marriage, and why we will back it through the tax system."

Mr Cameron stressed that he was not saying single parents do a bad job, just that they were the horsemen of the apocalypse. He wanted to "reform" single parents, not punish them.

"This is a behaviour-changing tax," said the Old Etonian. "It's about forcing people to stay in loveless relationships which damage children, and scapegoating single mothers so people won't blame inequality for society's ills."

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne added that the measure would not cause the overall tax burden to increase, as any rises would be offset by tax cuts for the wealthy.

The Tories also propose the replacement of individual income tax with a flat-rate family unit tax. This would encourage the poor to band together through marriage. "We know what's best for them," explained Cameron.

Families reduced to one parent through legitimate means (diseases not sexually transmitted) would be supported through voluntary donations organised by the Church.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Cameron silence over Eton claims

Conservative leader David Cameron has refused to deny fresh allegations he attended Eton while taking hard drugs.

The claims emerged in an autobiography published by one of Cameron’s dealers.

Mr Cameron admitted he had done things in his past he was “not proud of”. However, he maintained that “politicians are entitled to a past which is privileged, and remains privileged”.

Throughout his leadership campaign in 2005, Mr Cameron declined to answer questions about his school attendance, though he claimed he had a “typical student experience”. “Most kids go to Eton at some point in their childhood,” said the deluded toff.

Norman Tebbit advised the Conservative leader to come clean about any private education, to put the issue behind him. But nameless apparatchiks suggested there was more: a dark past whose exposure would ruin Tory hopes of victory in a general election.

“When did he stop going to Eton? Did he attend Eton reunions? Did he continue attending Eton reunions after becoming a Tory MP? We need a full disclosure now,” said the anonymous source.

Parents’ groups expressed fears Cameron would seek to make private education more accessible to young children if elected Prime Minister. “Private education blights people’s lives,” said a worried mother. “It cuts people off from reality and brainwashes them with stupid ideas about free markets and health cuts. I won’t let the Tories send my Johnny to Eton.”

According to the autobiography, notorious cokehead Boris Johnson may also have attended Eton. The Spectator editor laughed it off, saying "I can't be expected to remember every little thing that happened during my heroin-taking years."

Friday, March 02, 2007

Brown to reintroduce slavery

New immigrants should do hard labour to help them settle before gaining British citizenship, according to Gordon Brown.

Mr Brown, widely expected to be the next prime minister, said citizenship should be a “kind of contract”, where “one person owned the other”.

The chancellor described the practice as a good opportunity for migrants to get used to being exploited. “Slave labour is a necessity in a flexible economy,” he said, arguing Burberry would not have moved production from Wales to China if they didn’t have to pay their workers.

Fellow leadership contender John McDonnell described the proposed scheme as “barbaric”, but was ridiculed by New Labour stalwart Alan Milburn, who said his attitude to workers’ rights was “old-fashioned”.

Labour rebels are widely expected to win concessions - including daily limits on flogging – but whips are confident the bill will pass.

Brown denies the statement was an attempt was deflect attention from his Scottishness.

Meacher finally laid to rest

Former minister Michael Meacher will finally be buried after a lengthy court case over who has the rights to his body.

Courts finally decided in favour of his wife after she and his son disagreed over which of Meacher’s nine estates he should be buried in.

Mr Meacher, a former failed deputy leadership candidate, became a minister in Blair’s government when Blair was 44 and he was 59.

A regular pin-up for the 9/11 truth campaign, his suicide came as little shock to insiders who said he had been preparing it for months. But the immediate cause of death was uncertain. Some MPs put it down to ego, whilst others suggested he had been pushed - raising speculation the MP was murdered.

In a fresh twist, last night his parliamentary bag-carrier, Daniel Judelson, claimed he was not dead. “He is not dead, he has got the support of 44 MPs to run for the Labour leadership,” said the poor sod, adding “But I’m not going to tell you who they are.”

Nonetheless, reports of his death were confirmed after rival leadership contender Gordon Brown described Meacher’s candidacy as a “longer suicide note than the 1983 manifesto”.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.