The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

BNP seeks exemption from new equality legislation

The British National party is demanding an opt out from new equality legislation which could allow black people to join up.

Mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine is one of many racists who opposes the move. “I joined the BNP because I’m a racist,” she declared proudly. “This law restricts my freedom of conscience. It says racism is out of place in modern Britain. It says I can’t discriminate on the basis of my deeply held bigoted beliefs. This is just the majority forcing their tolerance on a racist minority.”

Some BNP officials have suggested black people should be banned from the BNP for their own good, citing concerns they might be bullied because of their parents’ backgrounds.

But Culture minister David Lammy said he would be “very surprised” if the government bowed to pressure from fascist thugs. “I think this is an issue of equality,” said the junior minister. “It’s just like saying you can’t adopt a child because you’re gay.”

If the BNP fails to get an exemption, it will be disbanded, according to BNP Fuhrer Nick Griffin. It is not clear why this is a bad thing.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Government to make claiming asylum a criminal offence

Claiming asylum will be a criminal offence under new government legislation.

The Asylum & Immigration Bill 2007 is the seventy-second such bill since 1997 and also introduces new standards of proof for establishing the validity of asylum applications. Under the new guidelines, all applicants will be thrown into specially created rivers. If they survive, they will be deported. If not, they will be granted refugee status immediately.

"Migration brings considerable benefits to the UK," said Home Secretary John Reid. "Our economy relies on low-paid foreigners doing long hours in shitty jobs. The problem is these African asylum seekers giving white American, European and Australian migrants a bad name. They don't work, they lounge around all day in detention centres and challenege the verdicts of our courts at every opportunity."

But all this is set to change under the New Asylum Muddle (NAM), which makes claiming asylum a criminal offence with a minimum sentence of six months. Foreign criminals will automatically deported at the end of their terms. The bill also gives local residents associations the powers to imprison suspected asylum seekers, except where they are Lib Dem fronts.

Immigration Minister Liam Byrne denied claims the new system was unfair, saying "No longer will asylum seekers have to spend months in uncertainty waiting for answers. Removal orders will now be issued immediately on arrival, eliminating false hope in a firm, fair system for all."

But the new laws do not go far enough, according to racist think-tank Migration Watch UK. "We are calling on the government to issue compulsory arm-bands to all asylum seekers" said Chairman Sir Andrew Green. "The time has come for the installation of gas-chambers in all airports. Nothing less than the British way of life is at stake."

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Guest column #2 - The BBC

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

French marchers say 'non' to 2007

by the BBC

Hundreds of protesters in France have rung in the New Year by holding a light-hearted march against it.
Parodying the French readiness to say "non", the demonstrators in the western city of Nantes waved banners reading: "No to 2007" and "Now is better!"

The marchers called on governments and the UN to stop time's "mad race" and declare a moratorium on the future.

The protest was held in the rain and organisers joked that even the weather was against the New Year.

The tension mounted as the minutes ticked away towards midnight - but the arrival of 2007 did nothing to dampen their enthusiasm.

The protesters began to chant: "No to 2008!"

They vowed to stage a similar protest on 31 December 2007 on the Champs-Elysees avenue in Paris.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.