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Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Boris announces candidature

Boris Johnson has entered the race to be the Conservative candidate in next year's village idiot elections.

Mr Johnson, one of Britain's best known cokeheads, ended weeks of speculation by announcing he would abandon his constituents to stand in a place he had no connection with.

Although Mr Johnson does not live in a village, villages constitute the only sites of human interaction he has not yet offended. Mr Johnson recently courted controversy by describing cities as "squalid, disease-ridden places full of poor people and Labour voters", and alleged that townships were not far behind.

But there was immediate speculation that voters would not take Mr Johnson's idiocy seriously, with some suggesting his recent employment in a serious profession rendered him unsuitable for the role. "Village idiots are responsible for the integrated humour strategy of the whole countryside," said Lib Dem spokesperson for idiocy Lynne Featherstone. "This isn't just a matter of fluffing your lines on Have I Got News For You; the post requires an idiotic heavyweight."

Johnson laughed off suggestions he would be humiliated by the current Idiot, who won the last two elections in a landslide. "I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support I am receiving," said the buffoon, who has missed the last seven Commons votes on idiocy. "Already the student bodies of both Eton and Harrow have endorsed my candidature unanimously."

The announcement will relieve Tory chiefs, after several high-profile idiots turned down the chance to be the Tory candidate. Senior Tories are rumoured to be treating the race as a "last chance" for Cameron's modernisation plan. They believe Cameron's image is not idiotic enough for traditional Tory voters, and are plotting to replace him with William Hague and a policy platform of pulling out of Europe, abolishing the NHS and gassing immigrants.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.