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Sunday, April 22, 2007

Miliband rules out candidature again

David Miliband has ruled out the possibility of standing for the leadership of the Labour Party for the four hundred and fifty first time.

"What I can say," said the Milky Bar Kid, 15, "is that there are no circumstances under which I will challenge Gordon Brown for the leadership of the Labour Party. Let me be clear. I will not be a candidate in this election. If Gordon Brown is hit by a bus tomorrow, I shall vote for his corpse. I have neither the guts nor the support to put myself forwards."

But commentators described his statement as "ambiguous", leaving open the possibility of a last-minute challenge. Harry Hill lookalike Nick Robinson suggested he could be "bounced" into standing should Brown be discovered fornicating with small children. John Reid is said to have offered an amnesty for trafficked minors willing to compromise themselves.

Jack Straw, Mr Brown's campaign manager, said he was taking Miliband's statement at face value. "David's confirmation that he will not stand leaves us free to concentrate on preventing MPs from nominating John McDonnell," said the ex-commie. "One candidate is enough in any election."

2 comments:

newsflash said...

Michael Meacher claims '200 nominations in the bag'

Michael Meacher promised one of the biggest upsets in modern British political history when he claimed to have received the nominations of around 200 MPs.

"I can confirm that at least 200 MPs at last count have agreed to nominate me," he told reporters. "John McDonnell, on the other hand, has minus 5 nominations. If that."

If confirmed, the claims will spark panic among Gordon Brown's leadership team who had themselves claimed to have over 200 Labour MPs signed up this week. It will also spell disaster for John McDonnell's campaign.

However, doubts were raised over the claims when it became clear that Meacher was unaware that only members of the Parliamentary Labour Party were able to nominate candidates for the Labour leadership.

One journalist who was shown the list claimed that 197 of the names were members of the Opposition. Among them were David Cameron, George Osborne, Oliver Letwin and Kenneth Clarke.

Interviewed at one of his country retreats, Meacher struck back at suggestions that Tory MPs were not eligible to nominate candidates for Labour leader.

"Believe me, I've spent months reading over the rules and nowhere does it say that Tory MPs cannot nominate me," he responded. "It would be flagrantly undemocratic to prevent members of other parties from nominating candidates. That so many Tory MPs wish to nominate me simply reflects how much respect there is for my unparallelled experience."

"I'm always seen myself as a cross between Winston Churchill and Clement Atlee," he added.

He also repeated controversial claims that the CIA could have been responsible for the Norman invasion of England in 1066.

"They could have scrambled fighter jets, couldn't they? Why didn't they? We're a NATO ally, aren't we? I'm not saying that they were behind it - I'm just asking questions. The families of the victims of the invasion have a right to answers."

Meanwhile, police have revealed that 123 Labour MPs have taken injunction orders against Michael Meacher.

"If he f*cking rings me again, I'm going to f*cking lamp the stupid w*anker," said one MP.

Anonymous said...

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About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.