The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Tories: Domestic murder is "disagreement"

Domestic murder should be treated differently from "stranger murder", former cabinet minister John Redwood has said.

"None of us want women to be killed," he wrote online, "but there is a difference between a man harming another man's wife, and harming his own."

"If we are not careful we will end up in a world where men are afraid to beat their own partners, for fear they might end up charged with assault. Women will be running amuck, hanging out on the streets at all hours and challenging their husband's authority at the drop of a hat."

Redwood said there should be a graduated scale so men were aware of their entitlements. Men would be entitled to verbally abuse a woman they had not met, pinch the bottom of someone they had just been introduced to, rape someone they had spent an evening with, slap their girlfriend around and kill their marriage partner.

David Cameron has not yet commented on the remarks. An anonymous aide told the Provisional BBC - "He's hoping it will all just go away."

But Redwood confirmed agreement on his behalf: "I've not said anything David would disagree with. It's not possible; he agrees with everyone."

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Oxford students vote to allow lynching

The Oxford Union has voted to allow a black man to be lynched during a debate on freedom of racism on Monday.

Despite opposition from everybody else, the white students voted by a margin of two to one to go ahead with the lynching.

"If we don't allow the lynching to take place, people won't know it's wrong," said Evan Harris, Lib Dem spokesperson for Spectacularly Missing The Point.

Experienced anti-fascist campaigners warned that allowing a black man to be lynched would give credibility to those who wanted to lynch black people.

But experienced anti-fascist campaigners knew less about beating fascists than PPE students, according to an anonymous PPE student with a rich daddy. "We're not in favour of lynching black people, we're simply in favour of allowing them to be lynched," he explained patiently.

The Oxford Union denied the lynching was simply a stunt to increase membership in the dying organisation.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Labour to consider "women's votes on women's issues"

Only MPs self-defining as female would be able to legislate on "women's issues", under proposals being considered by the Labour Party.

The blueprint, drawn up by Labour's Deputy Leader Harriet Harman, would involve a grand committee voting on issues including a woman's right to choose, the gender pay gap and the decriminalisation of prostitutes. The highest ranking female MP would decide which issues counted as "women's issues".

Male MPs would still have the right to vote on gender-wide issues such as taxation, foreign policy and defence, it was claimed. But Tories were quick to criticise the proposals, claiming they were a partisan plot to neutralise a future Conservative government by voting it down repeatedly. Of the 127 female MPs elected in 2005, 98 were Labour representatives: Labour would almost certainly have a majority of female MPs even were they to lose their overall majority.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said the issue had "merit", but only as a news story on a slow day.

But the plans may be shelved after shock polls revealed the hype this issue generated amongst political hacks may be disproportionate to the level of interest shown by the public. Coverage of the issue constituted 76.24% of the average broadcast of The Daily Politics, compared to only 0.00% of the average chat in the pub.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

MPs cannot win here, say Liberal Democrats

MPs cannot win here, according to the Liberal Democrats.

The research, presented as an "artistic representation" of a bar chart, shows that Labour and Conservative MPs received zero votes in the last European elections. In contrast, Liberal Democrat and UKIP candidates received sizeable votes. "It's a two horse race between the Lib Dems and UKIP - Labour and the Tories can't win here," said Lib Dem election strategist Chris Retard.

The findings, published in "Focus" leaflets around the country, have confused residents who thought they had a Labour MP. "It's a travesty of democracy," said Rob, an ex-miner from Barnsley. "I'm a Labour voter through and through, but according to the Lib Dems, my vote doesn't count for anything round here. We need proportional representation now."

Boris Johnson, Tory candidate for Losing the Mayoral Election to Ken Livingstone, said the Lib Dems were "big fat liars". "Liar, liar, pants on fire," said the parody of a public schoolboy.

The Liberal Democrats were recently forced to apologise after misattributing a supportive quote to David Cameron MP. According to Ed Davey, Chair of the Liberal Democrats' Lying Committee, the mistake was made by a deafblind intern who no longer works for the party.

Cameron speaks without words

David Cameron laid down the gauntlet to Gordon Brown at Tory party conference as he delivered his entire speech without using words.

Armed only with empty gestures, he denied the move was a gimmick, saying " ". Shadow Chancellor George Osbourne described the move as a masterstroke, saying "Voters like him much better when he doesn't say anything."

Despite denials the Tory party are lurching to the right, Mr Cameron spent twenty minutes quite literally waving the flag, and signalled a tough stance on immigration with a series of Nazi salutes (pictured). Outlining Tory economic policy, he trampled on the poor and crushed the weak.

But critics were quick to accuse him of lacking substance, and his repeated use of the middle finger was described as "misjudged" by senior Labour figures. "Actions speak louder than words," said a spokesperson for the Prime Minister, "but words speak louder than mime."

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Kennedy "should pay for treatment"

Liberal Democrat leaders who abuse NHS staff should be charged for their treatment, according to the Liberal Democrats.

"If you get rat-arsed on a Friday night and get taken to A&E where you try to persuade staff their children should be allowed to star in porn movies, is it right for the taxpayers to fund your life-saving treatment?" asked Numpty Lamb, the Lib Dem spokesman on health.

It is not clear what would happen to alcoholics not able to afford life-saving treatment. But Lib Dem Chief of Staff Ed Davey moved to reassure the masses that Scotch Charlie was not short of a bob or two. "The thing about being an MP," said Davey, "is you can't get sacked for turning up to work sozzled."

According to Health Spokesman Lamb, alcoholism is not the only disease whose victims should be forced to pay for their treatment. "Why should the young pay for hip replacements?" asked Lamb, adding "Ming's getting his done on BUPA."

Kennedy maintains he is not an alcholic, never has been, has received professional help to put his alcoholism behind him, and "enjoys a drink or two like everyone else". He denies he is in denial.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Guest column #4 - unknown source

In an occasional series becoming less occasional, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Guest column #3 - ABC News

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

Presidential hopeful defends threat to bomb Mecca

By ABC News

Fiery Republican presidential long-shot Tom Tancredo has defended his suggestion that America should threaten to bomb Muslim holy sites in order to deter a nuclear attack on US soil.

Mr Tancredo first mooted his controversial position last week, prompting the State Department to describe it as "absolutely crazy."

"Yes, the State Department -- boy, when they start complaining about things I say, I feel a lot better about the things I say," the Colorado representative said in a presidential debate in Iowa televised on American ABC.

"My task as president of the United States is primarily to do one thing - by the way, not to make sure everybody has health care or everybody's child is educated - my task is to do one thing: to protect and defend this country.

"And that means to deter - and I want to underline 'deter' - any kind of aggression, especially the type we are threatened with by Al Qaeda, which is nuclear attack.

"I'm telling you right now that anybody that would suggest that we should take anything like this off the table in order to deter that kind of event in the United States isn't fit to be president of the United States."

The State Department on Friday reacted angrily to Tancredo's initial comments.

"Let me just say that it is absolutely outrageous and reprehensible for anyone to suggest attacks on holy sites - whether they are Muslim, Christian, Jewish or those of any other religion," departmental spokesman Tom Casey said.

Tancredo was quoted by the website last week as saying the best way he could think of to deter a nuclear terrorist attack on the United States was to threaten to retaliate by bombing Islamic holy sites.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Boris announces candidature

Boris Johnson has entered the race to be the Conservative candidate in next year's village idiot elections.

Mr Johnson, one of Britain's best known cokeheads, ended weeks of speculation by announcing he would abandon his constituents to stand in a place he had no connection with.

Although Mr Johnson does not live in a village, villages constitute the only sites of human interaction he has not yet offended. Mr Johnson recently courted controversy by describing cities as "squalid, disease-ridden places full of poor people and Labour voters", and alleged that townships were not far behind.

But there was immediate speculation that voters would not take Mr Johnson's idiocy seriously, with some suggesting his recent employment in a serious profession rendered him unsuitable for the role. "Village idiots are responsible for the integrated humour strategy of the whole countryside," said Lib Dem spokesperson for idiocy Lynne Featherstone. "This isn't just a matter of fluffing your lines on Have I Got News For You; the post requires an idiotic heavyweight."

Johnson laughed off suggestions he would be humiliated by the current Idiot, who won the last two elections in a landslide. "I have been overwhelmed by the amount of support I am receiving," said the buffoon, who has missed the last seven Commons votes on idiocy. "Already the student bodies of both Eton and Harrow have endorsed my candidature unanimously."

The announcement will relieve Tory chiefs, after several high-profile idiots turned down the chance to be the Tory candidate. Senior Tories are rumoured to be treating the race as a "last chance" for Cameron's modernisation plan. They believe Cameron's image is not idiotic enough for traditional Tory voters, and are plotting to replace him with William Hague and a policy platform of pulling out of Europe, abolishing the NHS and gassing immigrants.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Exclusive to The Provisional BBC: latest sub-cabinet appointments

Gordon Brown is continuing his drive to recruit ministers who no-one elected and have never had anything to do with the Labour Party, the Provisional BBC can reveal.

Following the appointment of Sir Digby Jones as Minister for Screwing Over the Working Class, and former UN official Mark Malloch Brown as Minister for Buying A Couple Of Weeks On Iraq, the new PM got "a bit carried away", according to an unnamed MP about to leave Parliament.

The list of ten names, revealed exclusively to the Provisional BBC, includes former Tory Sebastian Coe, as well as popular chef Jamie Oliver and fictional character John McClane. In Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brown finally found a willing recruit from another party, albeit outside the UK.

Perhaps most surprising inclusion was that of Prince William as Minister for Diana, breaking a long tradition of royal independence from the executive branch of government. But William said he could not turn down the role and promised to put Diana "at the heart of everything the government does". William was the only new recruit not requiring a peerage, as he qualifies under a little-known section of the Magna Carta, 1215.

The Conservatives described the appointments as "crass populism of the worst kind", but admitted they wished they had thought of them first.

The new names in full:

Minister for Africa: Baroness Madonna
Minister for Being From Another Political Party: Lord Arnold Schwarzenegger
Minister for Community Relations: Lord Salman Rushdie
Minister for Diana: Prince William
Minister for Fighting Terrorism: Lord John McClane
Minister for Food: Baroness Victoria Beckham
Minister for Fucking Up The Olympics: Lord Sebastian Coe
Minister for Literacy: Lord David Beckham
Minister for the Prevention of Gun Crime: Lord Quentin Tarantino
Minister for School Dinners: Lord Jamie Oliver

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Harman clarification

Labour's new deputy leader Harriet Harman denies standing for the position.

She told Provisional BBC's Radio Today: "I never said I wanted the position." But during the closely fought election, she was heard encouraging people to vote for her on numerous occasions.

Ms Harman, elected after receiving more of Jon Cruddas' second preference votes than Alan Johnson, said people voted for her out of confusion, not because she ran for the job. Pressed by the Today programme, she clarified "What I actually said is if I'd known then what I know now, I'd be a soothsayer. I don't think that's what Labour Party members elected me for."

She said she had not been declaring her intention to stand, but agreeing with the need for a contest.

It is thought unlikely Harman will become Deputy Prime Minister - her predecessor John Prescott held both roles - as Gordon Brown wants all the power for himself. Asked if she was diasappointed by the news, Harman lied.

Harman was today retrospectively backed by the Sun newspaper. "The name 'Johnson' was a misprint, and should have read 'Harman'" explained Murdoch. "The Sun always backs winners."

Controversy over Satan knighthood

Religious fanatics have been conducting protests all over the world after Satan was awarded a knighthood for his contribution to rock music.

Satan has been vilified by Christians since playing a key role in the crucifixion of Jesus, the Son of God. He was even forced to go underground after God threatened to throw him into a lake of fire. It wasn't until the 70s that he re-emerged as a force in public life, through the music of Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin.

But Satan is still a controversial figure with devout Christians. Fundamentalists in Texas burned British flags on street corners as George W Bush proclaimed the UK would go the way of Ninevah. The Pope described the move as "untimely", but a matter for the British government.

Outgoing Home Secretary John Reid defended Satan, saying he had played a vital role in the war against Christians. He indicated the government is considering tough new powers against Christians, including the introduction of lions.

Boris Johnson, the Tory spokesperson for idiocy, said he disagreed with the knighthood. "I'm all in favour of Christian-bashing, but drugs have made a far more important contribution to rock music than Satan ever could," said the notorious cokehead.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

McLaren in selection row

Steve McLaren tried to recruit former Welsh striker Ian Rush to the England team, it emerged last night.

McLaren's aides siad he was making good his promise to draw on "all the talents" from across the British footballing spectrum. But no-one explained why this meant asking a senile geriatric to represent a country he spent his footballing career opposing.

Current Welsh captain Robbie Savage described the move as an "insult", maintaining no Welshman would join a team with a chance of winning anything. Welsh sources said McLaren had used "underhand tactics" to expose the Welsh team's failings in an atmosphere of greater scrutiny.

Mclaren's botched attempt also caused controversy amongst his compatriots. Newcastle boss Sam Allardyce is said to be scathing, believing McLaren is trampling over the achievements of the '66 side and betraying the traditions of English football. Allardyce missed out on the England job after failing to secure the necessary nominations from the FA panel.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Miliband rules out candidature again

David Miliband has ruled out the possibility of standing for the leadership of the Labour Party for the four hundred and fifty first time.

"What I can say," said the Milky Bar Kid, 15, "is that there are no circumstances under which I will challenge Gordon Brown for the leadership of the Labour Party. Let me be clear. I will not be a candidate in this election. If Gordon Brown is hit by a bus tomorrow, I shall vote for his corpse. I have neither the guts nor the support to put myself forwards."

But commentators described his statement as "ambiguous", leaving open the possibility of a last-minute challenge. Harry Hill lookalike Nick Robinson suggested he could be "bounced" into standing should Brown be discovered fornicating with small children. John Reid is said to have offered an amnesty for trafficked minors willing to compromise themselves.

Jack Straw, Mr Brown's campaign manager, said he was taking Miliband's statement at face value. "David's confirmation that he will not stand leaves us free to concentrate on preventing MPs from nominating John McDonnell," said the ex-commie. "One candidate is enough in any election."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Ban on political memoirs

The Leader of the House has banned politicians from publishing memoirs until all the fuss has died down.

The move follows the publication of diaries by leading politicians from both major parties. Media outlets who failed to secure serialisations yesterday united in protest at what they labelled the "cheapening" of British politics.

Tony Benn - famous for losing the Labour deputy leadership election in 1982 - and Alan Clark - famous for publishing diaries - were among those criticised for taking advantage of ambiguous guidelines to secure large sums of money for their ramblings.

Leader of the House Jack Straw said he was acting on concerns from No. 11 that party unity and discipline were being undermined by the publication of accounts at odds with the official party line. "Inconsistency of message threatens to undo the great strides we have made under our esteemed Chancellor," he read out, adding "Life has become more joyous, Comrades!"

But there were wider concerns that technological advances including the internet and mobile phone technology rendered totalitarian control of information impossible in a modern democracy. "The truth will seep out anyhow," explained Alistair Campbell, from his new apartment at The Priory. "The important thing is to control that seepage." Managed properly, memoirs could strengthen rather than weaken the official line. "People are more likely to believe the diaries of ex-politicians than their official statements when in power," commented the once alcholic and press secretary.

Former public schoolboy David Cameron said the ban was too late as a number of politicans had already sold their stories. He suggested they should be encouraged to give the profits to a political party of their choice, so that public confidence in politicans' integrity was not eroded. Eventually, memoirs could replace peerages as the foremost source of party funding.

But a more radical solution was needed, according to a group of backbench Labour MPs. They proposed to raise MPs salaries so high there would be no incentive to produce memoirs. Minister-turned-rebel Andrew Smith said the government could pay for increases by scrapping Trident.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Toff dies in Iraq

Prince William is said to be distraught after learning of the death of a "loose acquaintance" who was among the four British soldiers killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq.

Second Lieutenant Joanne Dyer attended Sandhurst military academy at the same time as Prince William, where they bonded over their mutual love of caviar.

A Clarence House spokesperson said: "Prince William was appalled to hear of Jo's death.

"Whilst he understands that loss of life in Iraq is inevitable, he would like to condemn in the strongest possible language the act of putting such a well-bred person on frontline duty. Such duties should be left to the common people, not the officer class of which Jo was a valued member."

David Cameron, leader of the Nasty Party, joined Prince William in criticising the move. "We will continue to vote with the government on Iraq while criticising the war at every opportunity," said the empty hypocrite.

The death raises further questions over the deployment of Prince Harry in Iraq. The Daily Express labelled it a "conspiracy", featuring an exclusive interview with Mohammad Al Fayed in which he suggests "They're trying to finish him off, just like his mother." Harry's partying ways are believed to be an embarrassment to the Royal Family.

Tributes have been paid to the other three soldiers killed on Friday, but no-one can remember their names.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Treasury to be split into two

The Treasury will be split into two departments in the next six weeks, a spokesperson for Gordon Brown has confirmed.

The Department for Raising Money will take control of setting tax rates, tariffs and cutting benefits. The slimmed down Department for Spending Money will then be left to allocate money towards improving people's lives.

The changes come after a troublesome year in which child poverty rose for the first time since Labour took power. But the Chancellor denied the job was too difficult for him, saying the decision was "tactical". Taking tax-setting powers from his portfolio would remove the controversial aspects of his job and allow him to concentrate on the parts of his role that increased his popularity, explained Brown.

But former chancellors expressed doubts that the coherency of economic policy would be damaged when departments with different interests competed over the same issues. "A Department for Raising Money could be prevented from cutting taxes by a strong Department for Spending Money," claimed Norman Lamont, who fronted David Cameron's Black Wednesday campaign in the early nineties.

Labour candidates in the Scottish and Welsh elections joined together with council candidates all over Britain to confirm that the internal restructuring of government departments was the number one issue being raised on the doorstep. "Voters aren't interested in results, they're interested in having lengthy debates on governmental process," explained one candidate.

Friday, March 23, 2007

New tax credit announced

Gordon Brown shocked Tory front-benchers earlier today by announcing a new tax credit aimed at high earners.

The Rich Wankers' Tax Credit will come into force in 2025 and add 36p to the average rich wanker's weekly income. It will be available to anyone earning over 3 million pa with 2.4 children, a racehorse and a Ferrari.

Critics claimed the Chancellor was making rich people dependent on state handouts. "My butler is already over-burdened. Where is he meant to find the time to fill in more forms?" asked Lib Dem millionairess Lynne Featherstone.

Tory leader David Cameron claimed the Chancellor was giving to the rich with one hand, and taking away from them with the other. But sources close to the Chancellor labelled the claims "absurd", saying it was actually the other way round.

The chancellor also came under fire from single millionaires, and from millionaires who live off inherited wealth - none of whom will be eligible. But he insisted these exceptions were necessary to encourage millionaires off the dole and into work.

The credit will be funded by shutting Accident and Emergency centres across the UK. "The language of priorites is the religion of socialism," explained Brown.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Single mothers to blame for global warming, says Cameron

David Cameron has proposed a dedicated levy on single mothers, who he blames for global warming.

The Tory leader used spurious evidence to show that both divorce rates and climate change have advanced rapidly over the last fifty years, and must therefore be linked.

"For every single parent there's another parent who lives on his or her own," said the cokehead, wrongly. "If they lived together they could cook together, watch TV together, use half the energy two people living apart would use. That's why we support marriage, and why we will back it through the tax system."

Mr Cameron stressed that he was not saying single parents do a bad job, just that they were the horsemen of the apocalypse. He wanted to "reform" single parents, not punish them.

"This is a behaviour-changing tax," said the Old Etonian. "It's about forcing people to stay in loveless relationships which damage children, and scapegoating single mothers so people won't blame inequality for society's ills."

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne added that the measure would not cause the overall tax burden to increase, as any rises would be offset by tax cuts for the wealthy.

The Tories also propose the replacement of individual income tax with a flat-rate family unit tax. This would encourage the poor to band together through marriage. "We know what's best for them," explained Cameron.

Families reduced to one parent through legitimate means (diseases not sexually transmitted) would be supported through voluntary donations organised by the Church.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Cameron silence over Eton claims

Conservative leader David Cameron has refused to deny fresh allegations he attended Eton while taking hard drugs.

The claims emerged in an autobiography published by one of Cameron’s dealers.

Mr Cameron admitted he had done things in his past he was “not proud of”. However, he maintained that “politicians are entitled to a past which is privileged, and remains privileged”.

Throughout his leadership campaign in 2005, Mr Cameron declined to answer questions about his school attendance, though he claimed he had a “typical student experience”. “Most kids go to Eton at some point in their childhood,” said the deluded toff.

Norman Tebbit advised the Conservative leader to come clean about any private education, to put the issue behind him. But nameless apparatchiks suggested there was more: a dark past whose exposure would ruin Tory hopes of victory in a general election.

“When did he stop going to Eton? Did he attend Eton reunions? Did he continue attending Eton reunions after becoming a Tory MP? We need a full disclosure now,” said the anonymous source.

Parents’ groups expressed fears Cameron would seek to make private education more accessible to young children if elected Prime Minister. “Private education blights people’s lives,” said a worried mother. “It cuts people off from reality and brainwashes them with stupid ideas about free markets and health cuts. I won’t let the Tories send my Johnny to Eton.”

According to the autobiography, notorious cokehead Boris Johnson may also have attended Eton. The Spectator editor laughed it off, saying "I can't be expected to remember every little thing that happened during my heroin-taking years."

Friday, March 02, 2007

Brown to reintroduce slavery

New immigrants should do hard labour to help them settle before gaining British citizenship, according to Gordon Brown.

Mr Brown, widely expected to be the next prime minister, said citizenship should be a “kind of contract”, where “one person owned the other”.

The chancellor described the practice as a good opportunity for migrants to get used to being exploited. “Slave labour is a necessity in a flexible economy,” he said, arguing Burberry would not have moved production from Wales to China if they didn’t have to pay their workers.

Fellow leadership contender John McDonnell described the proposed scheme as “barbaric”, but was ridiculed by New Labour stalwart Alan Milburn, who said his attitude to workers’ rights was “old-fashioned”.

Labour rebels are widely expected to win concessions - including daily limits on flogging – but whips are confident the bill will pass.

Brown denies the statement was an attempt was deflect attention from his Scottishness.

Meacher finally laid to rest

Former minister Michael Meacher will finally be buried after a lengthy court case over who has the rights to his body.

Courts finally decided in favour of his wife after she and his son disagreed over which of Meacher’s nine estates he should be buried in.

Mr Meacher, a former failed deputy leadership candidate, became a minister in Blair’s government when Blair was 44 and he was 59.

A regular pin-up for the 9/11 truth campaign, his suicide came as little shock to insiders who said he had been preparing it for months. But the immediate cause of death was uncertain. Some MPs put it down to ego, whilst others suggested he had been pushed - raising speculation the MP was murdered.

In a fresh twist, last night his parliamentary bag-carrier, Daniel Judelson, claimed he was not dead. “He is not dead, he has got the support of 44 MPs to run for the Labour leadership,” said the poor sod, adding “But I’m not going to tell you who they are.”

Nonetheless, reports of his death were confirmed after rival leadership contender Gordon Brown described Meacher’s candidacy as a “longer suicide note than the 1983 manifesto”.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

BNP seeks exemption from new equality legislation

The British National party is demanding an opt out from new equality legislation which could allow black people to join up.

Mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine is one of many racists who opposes the move. “I joined the BNP because I’m a racist,” she declared proudly. “This law restricts my freedom of conscience. It says racism is out of place in modern Britain. It says I can’t discriminate on the basis of my deeply held bigoted beliefs. This is just the majority forcing their tolerance on a racist minority.”

Some BNP officials have suggested black people should be banned from the BNP for their own good, citing concerns they might be bullied because of their parents’ backgrounds.

But Culture minister David Lammy said he would be “very surprised” if the government bowed to pressure from fascist thugs. “I think this is an issue of equality,” said the junior minister. “It’s just like saying you can’t adopt a child because you’re gay.”

If the BNP fails to get an exemption, it will be disbanded, according to BNP Fuhrer Nick Griffin. It is not clear why this is a bad thing.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Government to make claiming asylum a criminal offence

Claiming asylum will be a criminal offence under new government legislation.

The Asylum & Immigration Bill 2007 is the seventy-second such bill since 1997 and also introduces new standards of proof for establishing the validity of asylum applications. Under the new guidelines, all applicants will be thrown into specially created rivers. If they survive, they will be deported. If not, they will be granted refugee status immediately.

"Migration brings considerable benefits to the UK," said Home Secretary John Reid. "Our economy relies on low-paid foreigners doing long hours in shitty jobs. The problem is these African asylum seekers giving white American, European and Australian migrants a bad name. They don't work, they lounge around all day in detention centres and challenege the verdicts of our courts at every opportunity."

But all this is set to change under the New Asylum Muddle (NAM), which makes claiming asylum a criminal offence with a minimum sentence of six months. Foreign criminals will automatically deported at the end of their terms. The bill also gives local residents associations the powers to imprison suspected asylum seekers, except where they are Lib Dem fronts.

Immigration Minister Liam Byrne denied claims the new system was unfair, saying "No longer will asylum seekers have to spend months in uncertainty waiting for answers. Removal orders will now be issued immediately on arrival, eliminating false hope in a firm, fair system for all."

But the new laws do not go far enough, according to racist think-tank Migration Watch UK. "We are calling on the government to issue compulsory arm-bands to all asylum seekers" said Chairman Sir Andrew Green. "The time has come for the installation of gas-chambers in all airports. Nothing less than the British way of life is at stake."

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Guest column #2 - The BBC

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

French marchers say 'non' to 2007

by the BBC

Hundreds of protesters in France have rung in the New Year by holding a light-hearted march against it.
Parodying the French readiness to say "non", the demonstrators in the western city of Nantes waved banners reading: "No to 2007" and "Now is better!"

The marchers called on governments and the UN to stop time's "mad race" and declare a moratorium on the future.

The protest was held in the rain and organisers joked that even the weather was against the New Year.

The tension mounted as the minutes ticked away towards midnight - but the arrival of 2007 did nothing to dampen their enthusiasm.

The protesters began to chant: "No to 2008!"

They vowed to stage a similar protest on 31 December 2007 on the Champs-Elysees avenue in Paris.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.