The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Friday, December 29, 2006

ITV in cheap ratings grab

New ITV boss Michael Grade is to revive the station's flagging fortunes with a reality TV show hosted by Ant and Dec.

The new show, "A Matter of Life and Death", will conduct a worldwide hunt for the man, woman or child most qualified to execute Saddam Hussein. Early reports suggest it will be based on previous hits such as "The X Factor" and "How do you solve a problem like Maria?"

"Since he was declared guilty of genocide, thousands of ordinary Iraqis have volunteered to execute the Baghdad Butcher," said Mr Grade. "This is their chance to prove themselves worthy of winning the opportunity of a lifetime."

Ten Iraqis will be selected at random from the families of Saddam's victims. They will be forced to undergo a series of humiliating rituals, demonstrating the depth of their hatred towards Saddam. The Iraqi British viewers feel displays the strongest desire for revenge will win the chance to execute Saddam on live television.

Leaked reports suggests housemates will perform tasks including guessing the last words of their loved ones, identifying the correct toxins for gassing Kurds and "Who can shower for the longest in the skimpiest niqab". The entire show will take place in a secret location at ITV's Granada studios in Manchester, to prevent reprisal attacks.

The move marks a break from the traditional method of selection where executioners would be appointed by the state. Although details are hazy at this stage, it's understood the Iraqi government will receive around 10% of adshares during broadcasts and a promise not to raid any more police stations.

Tony Blair at first refused to comments on the matter, saying it was a private arrangement between the people of Iraq and ITV. But following repeated questioning, the PM reluctantly confirmed the position outline by his foreign secretary hours earlier. "We are against reality shows," he said from his holiday location at the Bush ranch in Texas. "But we do not interfere in the affairs of other states."

"A Matter of Life and Death" will air in late February.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Cook death a "tragic accident"

An official inquiry into the heart disease that killed Robin Cook has found no evidence the politician was murdered.

Lord Stevens, who led the investigation, said the death was a "tragic accident". But a spokesperson for Compass says it does not accept the findings as questions remain "unanswered".

Compass revealed that over 1000 people have signed a statement saying that if Cook was murdered, his killers should be brought to justice.

They suggest Cook was killed over his opposition to the Iraq war, and demand the body is dug up to prove it was not swapped before tests were carried out.

"We dismiss every semi-colon of this 1000 page dossier as a whitewash," said Compass supremo Neal Lawson. "We will not rest until Robin Cook is knighted, sainted and lauded as the one true God. Together we shall prepare for his second coming, casting out demons and issuing pompous e-mails about the good society."

Mr Cook has been likened to rock legend Kurt Cobain, who also died at the top of his game.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Mail on Sunday in "cash for memos" scandal

The Mail on Sunday is the latest paper to be implicated in the "cash for memos" scandal.

The gossip rag is alleged to have paid an unpaid intern somewhere in parliament to prepare an internal memo for the Prime Minister. It suggests Labour should pick another leader when Tony Blair stands down.

The memo was dismissed by an anonymous spokesperson. "It was not written by any of the Prime Minister's staff and does not reflect his personal views," said the faceless apparachik.

The staffer may have have offered the paper "an OTTR [off-the-record-remark] or a big M [memo]". There is no evidence of this other than the Mail on Sunday's lousy reputation.

Gordon Brown immediately denied any connection to the affair, likening it to the witch-hunts of the 16th century. SNP leader Alex Salmond condemned the denial as proof the Chancellor is at the heart of the scandal.

Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott waded into the debate over cash for memos by supporting recent calls for the abolition of the Labour party. "The abolition of the Labour Party would reassure the public that there is no corruption in the Labour Party," he said.

The Mail on Sunday denied any wrongdoing, saying "everyone does it".

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Cameron reveals plans for fewer black MPs

David Cameron has outlined plans to reduce the number of black, women and homosexual MPs. The trendy environmentalist has drawn up a list of all black people, women and homosexuals in the party, dubbed the "A list".

Party Chairman Francis Maude explained the rationale behind the move. "It used to be that niggers had no chance of getting elected as a Tory MP, because no-one would vote for them at selection meetings. But as our members get older and their eyesight fails, they can't always tell who's black and who's white. It's even more difficult with faggots. This list provides our members with the knowledge they need to make informed decisions."

Conservative activists are reportedly delighted by the news. Mortgage consultant and mother-of-two Christine said "It's about time. Everyone knows Tory voters are less likely to vote for someone looking foreign. Why stand a candidate who'll win less votes?"

But Cameron locked horns with traditional elements of the party by refusing to institute all-men shortlists. "Women need to be under the illusion they can be Tory MPs," said the rich cokehead, "otherwise they won't join us and give us money."

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Foreign paedophile loose in Britain

Police have warned a foreign paedophile has been seen in British supermarkets and toyshops.

The man, "Santa", is notorious for breaking into houses and entering the rooms of children, before "filling their sacks with gifts". Santa can be recognised by his trademark white beard, red hat and jolly "ho-ho" laugh. He also goes by the names "Father Christmas" and "St Nicholas".

Shadow Home Secretary David Davis was quick to blame the government for the scandal. "This man is a known offender - he should not have been let into Britain," he said. But asylum campaigners said border controls were useless against magic.

An angry mob gathered at Santa's home in Lapland after the News of the World published his address. Campaigners have called for a "Santa's law", which would force the government to reveal the name, address and shoe size of all popular myths.

The government rejected calls for such a law in 2000, claiming it could drive offenders underground. However, Home Secretary John Reid has recently indicated he may consider a law as part of his leadership campaign.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Iron lady dies

The body of a fourth prostitute found in a Leicestershire wood has been identified as that of Margaret Thatcher, according to unnamed sources.

Although three other prostitutes have been found in the immediate vicinity, police maintain a physical presence is unnecessary.

"She was a bright, bubbly girl with lots of friends and a good sense of humour," said one of her neighbours, adding "She was a prostitute? Must've been her fault then."

Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett spoke for the government, saying "We have noted the passing of Mrs Thatcher. We welcome the transition to an open, stable and prosperous democracy in Britain since 1990." Senior General Than Shwe said he was "saddened" by the news.

Mrs Thatcher presided over massive job losses and forced countless families into poverty, but maintained the measures were necessary to "save Britain from communism".

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

World could end sooner than we think

New research suggests rising obesity levels could cause major food shortages by the year 2020.

The Stern Report, written by US “shock jock” Howard Stern, says food prices will rise as supply goes down, so it’s best just to stop eating now.

PR expert and Tory leader David Cameron responded immediately by eating a lettuce sandwich while an aide forced lard into his stomach with a bicycle pump. Labour ministers promised to reference the incident in every speech for six months afterwards.

Liberal Democrat leader Menzies Campbell said people should be discouraged from eating by raising taxes on food. He denied the measure would hurt the poor, saying proceeds would “fund tax cuts for everyone, some of whom are poor.”

Other possible solutions include a “food rationing” system where overall food consumption would be capped and “food credits” could be exchanged for food or traded freely on the open market. Debate rages over whether the already-emaciated should be subject to the same caps as the already-obese, or whether they should be allowed to reach a healthy weight before being rationed.

Tony Blair promised action, but said an international agreement was needed. “Even if Britons stopped eating completely, the increase in Texas alone would wipe out any reduction in just five years,” said the PM.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Parliament to be privatised

The House of Commons could be privatised to pay for rising parliamentary deficits, the Provisional BBC can reveal. Just one week after the Boundary Commission prophesied cuts in the numbers of MPs, campaigners warned our political heritage could be at stake.

The government denies the proposal amounts to privatisation, describing it as a “time-limited lease”. A private company would hire the building for fifty years, committing to repairs and general upkeep. The contractor would then hire the premises back to the country at a profit.

“It’s like getting a mortgage,” said Leader of the Commons Jack Straw. “You avoid pain now and leave it to a future government. The cost will double, leading to cuts in public services and higher taxes, but I’ll have a peerage by then.” He did not explain why a rational individual would get a mortgage if they had other ways of paying for a house.

Prime Minister Tony Blair described Parliament as a “sound investment” for potential contractors. “We will always need a Parliament,” he declared.

Campaigners were against the move, describing it as “privatisation through a gaping hole where the front door ought to be”. They also worried private contractors may add revenue raisers such as a “Parliament Theme Park” or “Hotel Big Ben” unless strict limits were placed on any lease. But their concerns were described as “baseless” by the government, who said they were convinced big business had public interests at heart.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.