The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Old person breaks the law

An elderly pensioner has broken the law, but claims he should not go to prison. The senior citizen, who cannot be named for legal reasons, claims he should not be arrested as he is “in disagreement” with the law he broke.

He faces trial tomorrow, but maintains he will not pay a fine if found guilty. “I have a big house and a fat private pension,” said the man, 71, “but this is a point of principle. I should be able to ignore the law when it suits me.”

Christine, 33, is a close family member of the accused. “They’re treating him as a criminal, when all he did was break the law,” said the mortgage consultant and mother of two. “But all the while these asylum seekers walk loose on the streets. It’s a travesty of justice.”

Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell said this was an issue close to his heart, as he is also a pensioner. He said the Lib Dems would scrap laws and replace them with “non-binding moral guidelines”, which wouldn’t work but sound fairer.

Pensioners groups complain existing laws are more difficult for pensioners than for ordinary citizens. However, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott argued this was a normal reflection of life. “Everything is more difficult for pensioners,” he said. “Getting dressed, washing themselves, coping with flu… this is no exception.”

It is not clear who is to blame. Local government blames parliament, and parliament blames local government, but one thing is clear. This unnamed lawbreaker has been caught in the crossfire.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Going for pope

Tony Blair astounded Catholics worldwide by announcing he will stand for Pope when he steps down as Labour leader. He made the admission on a special episode of “Songs of Praise” after downing a pint of communion wine.

Speculation has long been rife Mr Blair will convert to his wife’s religion when pissing off the DUP no longer matters. But few expected him to challenge for Pope, if only because he is married with kids.

If he is successful, Mr Blair will be the first Labour Prime Minister to go on to the Vatican. But sycophants said if anyone could do it, Mr Blair could. “Nothing is too difficult for Tony,” said Environment minister David Miliband.

Prominent Muslims expressed concern after Blair described the Crusades as an “unfinished work”. “I have always believed in an interventionist God,” he explained. He also promised to ditch the doctrine of transubstantiation, which he described as “Catholicism’s Clause 4”.

The Pope is chosen by a council of leading Catholic bishops after prayer, fasting and bribery. Bookies made Blair favourite as former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi pledged support.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Boundary commission issue stark warning

Rising parliamentary deficits could lead to half of seats in the Commons being axed, the Boundary Commission have warned.

Parliamentary deficits have trebled after repeated rises in MPs salaries and expenses. The Boundary Commission caution failure to address the problem could mean crumbling Houses of Parliament, as vital repairs works are ignored.

The Prime Minister denied cuts were widespread, saying “Fewer than 2% of MPs will lose their seats.” But Tories accused him of “New Labour spin” after he admitted retired/dead MPs would not be replaced.

The admission is bad news for NOLS hacks, many of whom have worked for years to qualify as a Blairite PPC. Labour Students ringleader Karim Palant is holding last-ditch talks with the government, who deny NOLS hacks will be unable to find a seat, but admit they “may no longer be able to decide where they stand”.

Sitting MPs complained of increasing workloads after it emerged they could be forced to take on extra constituencies as the number of MPs is reduced. Parliamentary assistants hurriedly listed adverts for unpaid interns on w4mp.com in fear the extra burden would cut down on drinking time.

Even though everyone else is against the cuts, Mr Blair continued to describe the reforms as “crucially necessary for the future of Parliament, even if they neutralise Labour’s biggest most natural campaign issue ahead of the closest General Election in fifteen years.”

Saturday, November 25, 2006

David Cameron poisoned

Tory leader David Cameron has been rushed to hospital in a suspected poisoning case. Traces of the carcinogenic painkiller phenacetin have been found in his bloodstream, suggesting someone gave him bad coke.

The critic of Tony Blair was returning from a London sushi restaurant when he felt "decidedly queasy". His condition is serious but stable.

Friends of Mr Cameron suggested he had been poisoned because of his opposition to Tony Blair's Labour Party, but a Labour Party spokesperson denied this. "If we were going to kill someone, we'd do it much more efficiently," he said. "He'd be strangled in his bed with a dead whore beside him, not sitting up and talking in hospital."

Scotland Yard officials arrested Cameron's dealer, who Labour's internal records describe as "Labour (weak)". He claims to have added the additive to bulk the weight of the drug, and denies his motives were political. "This bloke came to my door and asked me some funny questions. I told him I was Labour to make him go away," he said, adding "I don't even vote."

Mr Cameron defended his coke habit, saying "I believe in glass tables, not glass ceilings."

Friday, November 24, 2006

Senior police chief: “Legalise rape”

A senior British police chief has called on the government to rethink its policy on rape, in an interview with the Sunday Times.

“Rape criminalises thousands of British men each year,” warned Chief Constable Terry Graham. “Our jails are filling up with men who would otherwise be considered normal, law-abiding citizens. Unless we act now, there could be no room left for really dangerous criminals.”

Graham called for the government to release all rapists in custody, except foreign and homosexual rapists – whose crimes may affect men. He also wants the law to be changed so men could only be considered rapists if they fit a narrow pre-conceived stereotype which protects society’s belief only “evil” men can be rapists.

Home Secretary John Reid said he was on television so often he didn’t have time to do his job properly, and he wouldn’t mind but other ministers were getting jealous, so he wouldn’t respond on this one. That, and this was a rare issue where the reactionary side was unpopular, so he didn’t know what to think.

Charities and women’s organisations criticised Graham’s remarks, but the Sunday Times dismissed them as “hysterical lesbians”, saying “We recognise there will be those who disagree, but they are wrong. It is time for a national debate, which we will win.”

Other suggestions for relieving overcrowding have included more frequent use of community punishments, building more prisons and letting David Blunkett loose with an Uzi.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Guest column #1 - The Associated Press

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

O.J. Simpson to Discuss Killings

By The Associated Press

Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend, for which he was acquitted, the network said.

The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, the TV network said.

Simpson has agreed to an "unrestricted" interview with book publisher Judith Regan, Fox said.

"O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," the network said in a statement. "In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade."

The interview will air days before Simpson's new book, "If I Did It," goes on sale Nov. 30. The book, published by Regan, "hypothetically describes how the murders would have been committed."

In a video clip on the network's Web site, an off-screen interviewer says to Simpson, "You wrote 'I have never seen so much blood in my life.'"

"I don't think any two people could be murdered without everybody being covered in blood," Simpson responds.

Simpson, who now lives in Florida, was acquitted in a criminal trial of the 1994 killings of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman. Simpson was later found liable in 1997 in a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the Goldman family.

Messages left with Simpson and his attorney Yale Galanter were not immediately returned.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Extremist working in home office

Home Secretary John Reid is to examine claims a leading member of a radical political group is working as a senior official at the Home Office.

An investigation by lads mag Nuts! revealed that John Thompson works for the Immigration and Nationality Directorate in Croydon, South London. Mr Thompson is also a member of Amnesty International.

Amnesty has been accused of preaching tolerance towards asylum seekers and "being soft" on foreign criminals - even petitioning for their release. Prime Minister Tony Blair said last August the group would be banned, but no action has been taken so far.

When approached by Nuts! investigators Mr Thompson conveniently denied being a leader in the organisation but admitted he "may have signed a postcard" in what he described as a "moment of madness." Mr Thompson also denies working for the Home Office, claiming he is a labourer from Kent.

John Reid said he had ordered officials to look into the investigation, but Tory Homeland Security Spokesman Patrick Mercer said this was not enough. "To think there is a senior revolutionary working in the Home Office in a very sensitive area is truly worrying," he said.

Amnesty International were not available for comment.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

"Vote for a Tory" says Cameron

In an exclusive interview with Richard and Judy, David Cameron described Conservative politicians as “misunderstood” and called on the public to show them “love and understanding”.

The plans, dubbed “Vote for a Tory”, were derided by Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. “The Tories don’t need love, they need a good smack in the face,” he derided.

Liberal Democrat Lynne Featherstone claimed there was nothing wrong with rich people per se. “Only a small minority of rich people join the Tory party,” said the multi-millionaire. Party leader Menzies Campbell suggested the government should focus more on preventative solutions. “We need to give Tories more to do, to stop them getting into politics in the first place” he said.

Home Secretary John Reid was in ebullient mood, describing Campbell as a “wuss”. “Preventative solutions are all very well and good,” he said, “but they do nothing to address the problem of Tories already in politics. They are menacing our communities and threatening our elderly.” David Cameron denied fears Tories would rob pensioners of their free television licenses and winter fuel allowances.

Speculation is rife that a “Tory behaviour bill” will be retrospectively included in the Queens Speech. The bill will include extra money for bowling greens and Charlie Chaplin appreciation societies, to keep Tories occupied. The bill will also grant local councils powers to fine Tories setting foot within 500 metres of a voter.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Tories accused of negative campaigning

David Cameron found himself at the centre of a political storm after authorising an advert which cast doubt on Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell’s mental health.

The commercial - due to be screened this evening at 7:55pm on Channel 4 - features footage of the ex-athlete fluffing his lines, forgetting his words and losing his marbles. Towards the end of the broadcast, Michael Winner cuts in. “Menzies Campbell,” he asks. “Does he have alzheimers?”

Rival leadership contender Simon Hughes, who lost to Sir Menzies because he is gay, was ordered to condemn the broadcast. “If they’d elected me, this never would’ve happened,” he told the Observer in an exclusive podcast.

Political analyst Nick Robinson pointed out that Hughes had not denied Campbell’s alzheimers. “We’re not as bad as America, but we’re getting more and more like them,” he commented aimlessly.

Labour seized on the advert as proof the Tories were still the “nasty” party. “It’s not Sir Menzies’ fault he’s a spacker,” commented Health minister Caroline Flint, arguing “Sir Menzies mental health is between him and the quarter of a million civil servants who will soon have his details on file.”

The advert comes only a month after Tory supremo George Osbourne called Gordon Brown a “fucking auto.” Brown denied the suggestion, saying the comparison was “deeply offensive to sufferers of the condition.”

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Harman “out of touch”

Harriet Harman stands accused of being “off message” after using the expression “false consciousness” on the BBC’s Daily Politics show.

Realising her mistake, the Constitutional Affairs minister stopped short of calling for a revolution, but failed to retract her remarks. Asked what the words meant, she said she overheard them in a bar at university and had never really been sure.

Party aparatchniks confirmed the language was not pre-approved by Downing Street, while hard-left activists called the expression “dated” and “off-putting”.

Trendy environmentalist David Cameron said the incident was “further evidence” Gordon Brown is a secret commie. “If he gets in, he’ll nationalise your pets,” warned the Old Etonian.

It also emerged Ms Harman is secretly married to a prominent trade unionist in the Transport and General union. Friends defended her, saying the marriage was “generally known” in the House, but Tories called for her divorce, saying the relationship presented “an inevitable conflict of interests”.

Friday, November 10, 2006

More election-time ammunition

Liberal Democrats have called for an opt-out clause in all current, previous and future government legislation.

The “freedom bill” also authorises the complete destruction of all data held by government on individuals, the immediate release of violent criminals and liberalisation of child pornography.

Liberty director Shamri Chakribati supported the bill, warning that forcing people to do things they didn’t want to do may be “incompatible” with human rights.

Labour MPs cautioned individuals were unlikely to pay taxes voluntarily, and even if they did, the abolition of national insurance numbers could make collection difficult. But Liberal leader Menzies Campbell ignored reason, saying “I’ve been reading George Orwell’s 1984 and I can’t grasp the literary truth that dystopian novels are commentaries on the present, not warnings about the future.”

“It’s time to end the state’s intrusion into our private lives,” he told anyone who would listen. Asked exactly what the existence of a medical database would stop individuals from doing, he spluttered before replying “Freedom isn’t about people’s daily lives, it’s a theoretical principle you study at university.”

David Cameron commented in a measured, calm tone of voice, despite talking alarmist nonsense. “Tories would introduce opt-outs for all UK citizens”, he said, though “coloureds, single mothers and dole scum,” would be excluded on grounds of national security.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Church to ditch "unfashionable" homophobia

The Church of England will ditch core beliefs to appeal to modern “yoof”. Doctrines set to go include homophobia, sexism and belief in God.

Religious boss Rowan Williams said he had been inspired by the Tories, who have become more popular since toning down their attacks on homosexuals, women and asylum seekers. “Homophobia and sexism have served the church well,” said the bearded wonder, “but it’s time to move on.”

But not everyone was convinced. Churchgoer Christine, a mortgage consultant and mother of two blamed “PC liberalism” for church decline. “British people are naturally prejudiced,” said the ordinary woman. “Traditional Islam is both sexist and homophobic and Islamic conversions are on the increase – this just isn’t the answer.”

Asked how the Church would deal with infamous passages like Phoenetians 3 verse 21, which calls women “unnatural” and an “abomination”, Williams was swift to reply. “We’ll ignore it,” he replied. “The Church has been ignoring passages on social justice for centuries; there’s no reason we can’t ignore other bits too.”

Leaked memos suggest Williams may be willing to compromise with more traditional elements of the Church. The Church would support equality in principle, but propose further limits on abortion in practice.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Wright-Phillips announces resignation

Sean Wright-Phillips confirmed his resignation from Chelsea Football Club with immediate effect as of yesterday. Wright-Phillips will continue as a registered player, and maintain his membership of Chelsea Supporters’ Club. He said he was resigning due to “irreconcilable differences” with his boss Jose Mourinho, and in order to campaign for a drawn Premiership.

“It’s not good for the Premiership if Chelsea win by twenty points every year,” said the diminutive right-winger, who failed to fulfil his early promise. He promised to draw up a list of exactly which games needed to be lost and won and by which sides in order to produce joint title-winners. Wright-Phillips, son of BBC football pundit Ian Wright, denied there could be collective action problems, saying “I am an idiot.”

The player was quick to stress he had only resigned from the Chelsea team, and would stay a member of Chelsea Supporters’ Club. This despite rule four section d of the club constitution, which states that supporters may be expelled from the club if they support other teams. The rule was instituted after Arsenal supporters signed up en masse in the 80s, in an attempt to take over the club.

Wright-Phillips also suggested Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has links to the oil industry. “I’m not bitter,” said the player, adding “Mourinho promised me games. He’s a filthy liar.” Chelsea dismissed the accusations, pointing out Wright-Phillips signed a new contract only last week.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Political correctness blamed for Darfur genocide

Following sustained international pressure, the Sudanese Government has named political correctness as the prime mover behind genocide in Darfur.

"It’s political correctness gone mad," said Vice-President Ali Osman Taha. Sudan has previously refused to name names, claiming it would prosecute culprits internally. UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan welcomed the news, saying co-operation was crucial if conflict was to be averted. But critics argued the statement posed more questions than it answered, including "When did political correctness go mad?" and "How long was it before anyone realised?"

Political correctness is no stranger to controversy. It has already been accused of restricting freedom of harassment and causing the breakdown of the family unit. "All the warning signs were there," said Lynda Lee Potter, a fierce critic of the concept. "This monster was never really under control," she added, adding "Our children’s future is at stake."

The killer’s precise whereabouts are unknown, but the international community has pledged assistance in rooting it out "wherever it lies". The UN has begun assembling crack teams of specialist troops, including comics Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning, as well as football pundit Ron Atkinson. Atkinson declared he had a personal score to settle, after political correctness cost him his job.

Not everyone believed the claims. An anonymous e-mail argued political correctness lacked the capacity to carry out the attacks, claiming it was just a bogeyman created by the media to legitimate attacks on equality and local government. The media refused to comment, labelling critics "conspiracy theorists" and "communists."

Sudan’s civil war raged from 1983 to 2005, killing lots and displacing lots more. Since January 2003, lots have also been killed in Darfur and lots more displaced.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Slow news day

New research confirms what we already thought, according to new research conducted by a university. The research examined research examined in national newspapers, and found 93.5% of it validates what everyone already knew, described by the report as “common sense”.

The report also suggested ways of curing diseases previously thought incurable, and discovered how to stop climate change without altering existing patterns of human behaviour, but these conclusions were deemed less newsworthy by our editor.

If the research is true, there could be far-reaching consequences for the future of research. Indeed, there will be those who claim that new ideas are a waste of time and taxpayers’ money, since the vast majority of what we already think is likely to be true.

Other universities were quick to query the research. “This report contradicts a long series of better reports which are better,” said a scientist/professor. “We strongly caution against ignoring research, at least until the matter has been more thoroughly explored.”

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Race boss agrees with racists

Race boss Trevor Phillips spoke out yesterday, calling Romanians and Bulgarians “dirty cheating thieving bastards”.

Phillips was particularly critical of thirteen year old Romanian girls, claiming they were stealing jobs from British prostitutes. He urged paedophiles to boycott the girls in favour of their British counterparts.

He also suggested Britain should bring back the death penalty for foreign criminals. He labelled double punishment – the process where foreign criminals are locked up before being deported to countries where their lives are in danger – as “a waste of British taxpayer’s money”, and suggested cutting out the middle man would be better for everyone.

Ordinary racists seized on Phillips’ comments, saying it was a victory for “common sense prejudice”. Mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine, 33, said “You can’t open the paper without seeing Bulgarian rapist this and Romanian murderer that. They’re not as bad as the darkies but we still don’t want them here.”

BNP leader Nick Griffin commented “There was a time in Britain where you couldn’t say something racist without being labelled a racist. I am glad that time is over.”

London Mayor Ken Livingstone criticised Phillips, saying he was worse than Hitler, Idi Amin, Stalin and Thatcher put together.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Anti-war rebel: “Tax the poor”

“More needs to be done,” was the CBI’s verdict, as anti-war rebel John Denham revealed plans to introduce a “poor tax” to pay for cuts in business and income tax.

The CBI demanded reparations for “decades of inequality” where the rich have paid more tax than the poor. Reparations would “create new business opportunities for leaders with proven track records,” lied the millionaires.

“It’s unacceptable people are still poor in this day and age,” said Denham. He described the tax as a disincentive, and said the poor have a “moral responsibility” to become richer. The plans have won wide cross-party support. Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell said “For too long, poverty has made middle-class people feel guilty. But now we have the environment to feel guilty about. The poor can go screw themselves.”

Awkward squad members John McDonnell and Jeremy Corbyn labelled the plans “Victorian”. But their remarks were derided by an up and coming junior minister who no one has heard of. “We have to help the poor to help themselves,” said the white middle-class male 40-something loyalist.

The Labour Party faces debts of over £20 million.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.