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Friday, December 29, 2006

ITV in cheap ratings grab

New ITV boss Michael Grade is to revive the station's flagging fortunes with a reality TV show hosted by Ant and Dec.

The new show, "A Matter of Life and Death", will conduct a worldwide hunt for the man, woman or child most qualified to execute Saddam Hussein. Early reports suggest it will be based on previous hits such as "The X Factor" and "How do you solve a problem like Maria?"

"Since he was declared guilty of genocide, thousands of ordinary Iraqis have volunteered to execute the Baghdad Butcher," said Mr Grade. "This is their chance to prove themselves worthy of winning the opportunity of a lifetime."

Ten Iraqis will be selected at random from the families of Saddam's victims. They will be forced to undergo a series of humiliating rituals, demonstrating the depth of their hatred towards Saddam. The Iraqi British viewers feel displays the strongest desire for revenge will win the chance to execute Saddam on live television.

Leaked reports suggests housemates will perform tasks including guessing the last words of their loved ones, identifying the correct toxins for gassing Kurds and "Who can shower for the longest in the skimpiest niqab". The entire show will take place in a secret location at ITV's Granada studios in Manchester, to prevent reprisal attacks.

The move marks a break from the traditional method of selection where executioners would be appointed by the state. Although details are hazy at this stage, it's understood the Iraqi government will receive around 10% of adshares during broadcasts and a promise not to raid any more police stations.

Tony Blair at first refused to comments on the matter, saying it was a private arrangement between the people of Iraq and ITV. But following repeated questioning, the PM reluctantly confirmed the position outline by his foreign secretary hours earlier. "We are against reality shows," he said from his holiday location at the Bush ranch in Texas. "But we do not interfere in the affairs of other states."

"A Matter of Life and Death" will air in late February.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.