The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Blair refuses to declare ceasefire

Tony Blair faces mounting pressure to declare a ceasefire between Heather Mills and Sir Paul McCartney. Last night he ignored an influential cross-tabloid group of gossip columnists, who called for a parliamentary debate on the subject.

Relentless self-publicist David Cameron was quick to denounce Mr Blair. “Once again, the Prime Minister has shown he is out of touch with the concerns of tabloid editors,” he denounced, adding “He’s more interested in knife crime and childcare than the private lives of the rich and famous.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister denied Mr Blair wanted to prolong the conflict, saying he was working hard behind the scenes to resolve the issues. But campaigners accused him of not wanting to jeopardise the “special relationship” with Geldof.

In the latest development, Mills’ legal team accused McCartney of “disproportionate use of force” and called for an immediate cessation of hostilities on either side. But McCartney refuses to believe Mills has nothing to do with a series of increasingly nasty media reports about their private life, and is insisting these stop before he comes to the negotiating table.

It is not clear if anyone cares.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Another deputy leadership candidate

Nye Bevan will challenge for the deputy leadership of the Labour Party, according to inside government sources.

The shock move has surprised those who thought he was dead. Party officials cast doubt on his chances, saying only MPs can challenge for the role. But the Labour legend was quick to respond, saying he was never deselected by his constituency party and would mount a legal challenge to take up his seat in the Commons.

To get on the ballot paper, Bevan must secure the nominations of 44 Labour MPs. Coincidentally, this is the exact number who have not announced they will stand for the position.

The move threatens to derail the Peter Hain campaign. The anti-apartheid campaigner has already seen his support drop after a series of people much better than him announced their candidature. Hain is seen as a unifying candidate: both left and right think him slimy and untrustworthy.

But campaigners questioned Nye’s record. According to a Lib Dem website, Bevan is “very old” compared to “not very young” and “very much Welsh” compared to “not English”.

Bookmakers made him fourth favourite for the post at 11/1, behind Hilary “Silent” Benn (3/1), Harriet “Woman” Harman (9/2) and John “ ” Cruddas (9/1).

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Madonna: I will see job through

Madonna is refusing to set out a timetable for returning baby David Banda to Malawi, saying he will only leave when the job is complete.

The singer has attracted international criticism for adopting the baby under false pretences, but will not apologise. "I can apologise for the effects of the adoption, but I cannot in all honesty apologise for the adoption," she told Oprah yesterday, adding "God told me to do it."

Pressure is growing on Madonna to name a date when David will be returned to his father in Malawi, but she would not succumb, saying the baby would stay in Britain until it asked to leave.

Five people gathered outside the Malawian embassy, carrying banners labelling the adoption "illegal" and "immoral". Madonna denied the protest was a response to the adoption, saying there was a long history of democratic protest and that people protested before the adoption as well as after.

The entertainer and her slightly less famous husband, Guy Ritchie, urged the public to "support our boy," arguing the adoption was now a reality and the boy could not support himself on his own.

Speculation mounted the couple would look to adopt a Rwandan boy next. A large rally is planned next Saturday around the demands "Give Banda Back, No Rwandan Adoption, Resist The Colonial Imperialism Of Israeli Fascists, No Trident." Organiser Lindsey German warned "Your child could be next."

Friday, October 20, 2006

Britain becoming "apartheid society"

Race experts warned Britain is fast becoming an apartheid society as the first Muslim strip-club opened in Dewsbury. Dancers at the adult-only venue strip to a see-through niqab, allowing them to demean themselves whilst technically satisfying the demands of their religion.

The news follows the sacking of a Muslim stripper who refused to remove her veil in the presence of men. Local MP Shahid Malik supported the action, saying "She has put herself in a position where she can't do her job."

Moderate Muslims condemned the club, saying "The vast majority of Muslims are law abiding citizens who abide by the law." Many support government proposals forcing Christian strip-clubs to employ 25% Muslim women.

Ordinary Britons were aghast at the news. "If they live in Britain, they should strip like the British", said mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine, 33. In a recent poll undertaken by YouGov in conjunction with TalkSport, 96% of those questioned described Muslims as "too religious".

Tory fuhrer David Cameron told reporters that whenever Tony Blair attacked Muslims, the Tory party would put politics aside and support him resolutely. However, the Tories would not put economic stability before tax cuts.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Fresh donor row

A Labour donor stands accused of receiving privileged access to politicians and the policy-making process because of her financial contribution to the party.

The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, donated £36 to Labour. She subsequently received invitations to meet prominent politicians and “have her say” in the drafting of the next Labour election manifesto.

A party spokesman refused to comment on individual cases, but said the “membership” system was fully approved by the Electoral Commission. Party chair Hazel Blears faced immediate calls to name all others who donated under the controversial arrangements.

Lib Dem leader Sir Menzies Campbell declared the Labour Party morally bankrupt. Though his party run a similar system, the pensioner proudly acknowledged there are no benefits to being a Lib Dem member.

Tony Blair denied donors had a say in policy, arguing “Trade unions are our biggest donors, and we ignore everything they say.” He admitted the party was in debt and offered to stay in power to avoid a costly leadership election.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Tory pin-up

Kate Moss has signed up as the new face of the next Tory election campaign, according to various sources. The model - a scantily clad picture of whom is opposite this piece - was approached after PR moguls decided people were more likely to vote for attractive women than balding fat middle-aged men.

The adverts will feature Ms Moss in a range of provocative poses, with the message "Vote Tory" inscribed against a blue background. David Cameron denied the posters suggested Ms Moss was standing for the Conservatives, saying "We will not put tax cuts before economic stability." However, he moved to reassure traditional Conservative voters, saying "We will share the proceeds of growth."

Amidst strong rumours the pair met through their dealer, an anonymous friend told us "Kate hasn't done coke for months. What's more, she wouldn't be seen dead anywhere near Cameron if she weren't making millions off it. Actually she votes Labour."

The moves look set to usher in a new era of politics, with glamour model Jordan suggesting she will stand for Labour next time round. Feminist groups expressed outrage as she promised to "get the tits out for the lads" should she win, whilst MPs rushed to the plastic surgeon in an attempt to guarantee their reselection.

Ms Moss is still going out with junkie Pete Doherty, though no-one quite knows why. Doherty invited fresh controversy last night after cutting open his AIDS-ridden body and bleeding all over an innocent child from Darfur.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Celebrities could "take over" by 2016

If current trends continue Britain's celebrities will outnumber non-celebrities by the year 2016, according to the latest research from Celebrity Watch.

Britain is fast being swamped by waves of celebrities who refuse to work and expect the rest of us to prop up their extravagant lifestyles. Home Office officials would not confirm Celebrity Watch's figures, but admitted in private they were unsure Britain could cope with a sustained influx of celebrities.

"They talk about their human rights," said mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine, "but what about the rights of the majority to be prejudiced?" Fears have been expressed about celebrities' lavish dress sense and wild behaviour, at odds with the average hard-working Briton's family lifestyle. The new research comes only a week after former Home Secretary Jack Straw said he would not admit celebrity constituents to his surgeries unless they donned jeans and a t-shirt.

The Conservative Party revealed plans for a quota system, where a set number of celebrities would be absorbed every year. These plans were described as insufficient by UKIP, who believe they can win Tory voters disillusioned with David Cameron by taking a firm anti-celebrity approach.

"Celebrities make a valued contribution to British culture," said TonyBlair last night. "They entertain us and give journalists something to write about. But the government recognises people's fears about celebrities and we are committed to a fair, common-sense approach to celebrity."

Home Secretary John Reid was more bullish, and strengthened rumours he might run against Gordon Brown for the leadership of the Labour Party when Tony Blair stands down, saying "If I was Prime Minister I'd deport the lot of them."

Celebrity Watch denied claims their figures were made up and labelled accusations of connections to Nazi pressure groups "irrelevant".

Monday, October 16, 2006

Panorama reveal "bung culture" in politics

The government was thrown into chaos last night when the BBC programme Panorama revealed Labour made illegal approaches to Shaun Woodward before he signed for them in 1999. According to Panorama, Labour arranged secret meetings with turncoat Woodward before making official enquiries about his availability.

Tony Blair said he would not comment as he had not seen the footage due to a vote in the Commons. Tory leader David Cameron called for an independent inquiry, saying that if the accusations were true, Labour should be "banned from politics". Menzies Campbell, leader of the Liberal Democrats, would only say that this was further evidence of the need for proportional representation in the UK.

If the allegations prove true, they could be highly damaging for the government. It is only the latest in a series of high-profile transfer bust-ups affecting Britain's top clubs. Out of favour George Galloway signed for rival socialists Respect just weeks after being sacked by Labour for professional misconduct. Maverick Scottish left-winger Tommy Sheridan transferred to conference side Solidarity after former club SSP claimed he "refused to play for them".

According to anonymous insiders, Woodward could be only the tip of the iceberg. Tapping up is regarded as commonplace in government. England legend Winston Churchill was said to have been tapped up twice in his distinguished career. Churchill won government's ultimate prize in his first spell as Prime Minister - a World War - but failed to impress in his second stint with the club.

Woodward claimed his comments had been taken out of context, and that he had been bragging about his close relationship with Peter Mandelson in order to get a job. He said money not a factor in his decision to join Labour, saying "I have no interest in a ministerial salary. I joined Labour because I wanted to be part of a club that can win things."

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Liberal Democrats must improve

The Liberal Democrats must improve or risk the imposition of private management, according to a standards watchdog.

The party fell foul of the watchdog after consistently coming third in general elections since its establishment in 1988. It was criticized for failing to provide best value to its voters - unlike the Labour and Conservative parties, which ran governments and had policies.

Under new government legislation, private management could be imposed on the party unless it raises its game fast. In extreme cases, parties could be closed down to leave political space for new, better parties to emerge.

Party leader Menzies Campbell questioned the report, claiming it misunderstood the motives of Liberal Democrat voters. “I think the Liberal Democrats provide excellent value for our voters,” he said. “Our voters don’t want policies or action, they want to sit on the sidelines and bitch about the government.”

Sir Ming’s comments will strengthen critics of the new laws, who claim the Lib Dem’s problems are rooted not in the party but in the people they represent. Constitutional Affairs spokesperson Harriet Harman dismissed these fears, saying “It’s not an excuse. Middle class people shouldn’t be denied access to quality political representation on account of their background.”

If the party fails to improve, it could be taken over by private companies, faith organizations or local parents. The Muslim Assocation of Britain have already expressed interest, after achieving success in local elections with fringe party Respect. However, they face the prospect of fierce bidding competition from Fathers4Justice and entrepreneur Richard Branson.

Ming Campbell will be 65 next year.

About Me

Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.