The Provisional BBC is a paramilitary organisation which split from the BBC in October 2006 in protest at its toleration of poor writing and Liberal Democrats. The Provisional BBC regrets any civilian casualties resulting from posts contained within, but lays the blame squarely at the foot of the Tories. It is our duty to resist them, by any and all means necessary.

Friday, December 29, 2006

ITV in cheap ratings grab

New ITV boss Michael Grade is to revive the station's flagging fortunes with a reality TV show hosted by Ant and Dec.

The new show, "A Matter of Life and Death", will conduct a worldwide hunt for the man, woman or child most qualified to execute Saddam Hussein. Early reports suggest it will be based on previous hits such as "The X Factor" and "How do you solve a problem like Maria?"

"Since he was declared guilty of genocide, thousands of ordinary Iraqis have volunteered to execute the Baghdad Butcher," said Mr Grade. "This is their chance to prove themselves worthy of winning the opportunity of a lifetime."

Ten Iraqis will be selected at random from the families of Saddam's victims. They will be forced to undergo a series of humiliating rituals, demonstrating the depth of their hatred towards Saddam. The Iraqi British viewers feel displays the strongest desire for revenge will win the chance to execute Saddam on live television.

Leaked reports suggests housemates will perform tasks including guessing the last words of their loved ones, identifying the correct toxins for gassing Kurds and "Who can shower for the longest in the skimpiest niqab". The entire show will take place in a secret location at ITV's Granada studios in Manchester, to prevent reprisal attacks.

The move marks a break from the traditional method of selection where executioners would be appointed by the state. Although details are hazy at this stage, it's understood the Iraqi government will receive around 10% of adshares during broadcasts and a promise not to raid any more police stations.

Tony Blair at first refused to comments on the matter, saying it was a private arrangement between the people of Iraq and ITV. But following repeated questioning, the PM reluctantly confirmed the position outline by his foreign secretary hours earlier. "We are against reality shows," he said from his holiday location at the Bush ranch in Texas. "But we do not interfere in the affairs of other states."

"A Matter of Life and Death" will air in late February.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Cook death a "tragic accident"

An official inquiry into the heart disease that killed Robin Cook has found no evidence the politician was murdered.

Lord Stevens, who led the investigation, said the death was a "tragic accident". But a spokesperson for Compass says it does not accept the findings as questions remain "unanswered".

Compass revealed that over 1000 people have signed a statement saying that if Cook was murdered, his killers should be brought to justice.

They suggest Cook was killed over his opposition to the Iraq war, and demand the body is dug up to prove it was not swapped before tests were carried out.

"We dismiss every semi-colon of this 1000 page dossier as a whitewash," said Compass supremo Neal Lawson. "We will not rest until Robin Cook is knighted, sainted and lauded as the one true God. Together we shall prepare for his second coming, casting out demons and issuing pompous e-mails about the good society."

Mr Cook has been likened to rock legend Kurt Cobain, who also died at the top of his game.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Mail on Sunday in "cash for memos" scandal

The Mail on Sunday is the latest paper to be implicated in the "cash for memos" scandal.

The gossip rag is alleged to have paid an unpaid intern somewhere in parliament to prepare an internal memo for the Prime Minister. It suggests Labour should pick another leader when Tony Blair stands down.

The memo was dismissed by an anonymous spokesperson. "It was not written by any of the Prime Minister's staff and does not reflect his personal views," said the faceless apparachik.

The staffer may have have offered the paper "an OTTR [off-the-record-remark] or a big M [memo]". There is no evidence of this other than the Mail on Sunday's lousy reputation.

Gordon Brown immediately denied any connection to the affair, likening it to the witch-hunts of the 16th century. SNP leader Alex Salmond condemned the denial as proof the Chancellor is at the heart of the scandal.

Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott waded into the debate over cash for memos by supporting recent calls for the abolition of the Labour party. "The abolition of the Labour Party would reassure the public that there is no corruption in the Labour Party," he said.

The Mail on Sunday denied any wrongdoing, saying "everyone does it".

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Cameron reveals plans for fewer black MPs

David Cameron has outlined plans to reduce the number of black, women and homosexual MPs. The trendy environmentalist has drawn up a list of all black people, women and homosexuals in the party, dubbed the "A list".

Party Chairman Francis Maude explained the rationale behind the move. "It used to be that niggers had no chance of getting elected as a Tory MP, because no-one would vote for them at selection meetings. But as our members get older and their eyesight fails, they can't always tell who's black and who's white. It's even more difficult with faggots. This list provides our members with the knowledge they need to make informed decisions."

Conservative activists are reportedly delighted by the news. Mortgage consultant and mother-of-two Christine said "It's about time. Everyone knows Tory voters are less likely to vote for someone looking foreign. Why stand a candidate who'll win less votes?"

But Cameron locked horns with traditional elements of the party by refusing to institute all-men shortlists. "Women need to be under the illusion they can be Tory MPs," said the rich cokehead, "otherwise they won't join us and give us money."

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Foreign paedophile loose in Britain

Police have warned a foreign paedophile has been seen in British supermarkets and toyshops.

The man, "Santa", is notorious for breaking into houses and entering the rooms of children, before "filling their sacks with gifts". Santa can be recognised by his trademark white beard, red hat and jolly "ho-ho" laugh. He also goes by the names "Father Christmas" and "St Nicholas".

Shadow Home Secretary David Davis was quick to blame the government for the scandal. "This man is a known offender - he should not have been let into Britain," he said. But asylum campaigners said border controls were useless against magic.

An angry mob gathered at Santa's home in Lapland after the News of the World published his address. Campaigners have called for a "Santa's law", which would force the government to reveal the name, address and shoe size of all popular myths.

The government rejected calls for such a law in 2000, claiming it could drive offenders underground. However, Home Secretary John Reid has recently indicated he may consider a law as part of his leadership campaign.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Iron lady dies

The body of a fourth prostitute found in a Leicestershire wood has been identified as that of Margaret Thatcher, according to unnamed sources.

Although three other prostitutes have been found in the immediate vicinity, police maintain a physical presence is unnecessary.

"She was a bright, bubbly girl with lots of friends and a good sense of humour," said one of her neighbours, adding "She was a prostitute? Must've been her fault then."

Foreign Secretary Margaret Beckett spoke for the government, saying "We have noted the passing of Mrs Thatcher. We welcome the transition to an open, stable and prosperous democracy in Britain since 1990." Senior General Than Shwe said he was "saddened" by the news.

Mrs Thatcher presided over massive job losses and forced countless families into poverty, but maintained the measures were necessary to "save Britain from communism".

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

World could end sooner than we think

New research suggests rising obesity levels could cause major food shortages by the year 2020.

The Stern Report, written by US “shock jock” Howard Stern, says food prices will rise as supply goes down, so it’s best just to stop eating now.

PR expert and Tory leader David Cameron responded immediately by eating a lettuce sandwich while an aide forced lard into his stomach with a bicycle pump. Labour ministers promised to reference the incident in every speech for six months afterwards.

Liberal Democrat leader Menzies Campbell said people should be discouraged from eating by raising taxes on food. He denied the measure would hurt the poor, saying proceeds would “fund tax cuts for everyone, some of whom are poor.”

Other possible solutions include a “food rationing” system where overall food consumption would be capped and “food credits” could be exchanged for food or traded freely on the open market. Debate rages over whether the already-emaciated should be subject to the same caps as the already-obese, or whether they should be allowed to reach a healthy weight before being rationed.

Tony Blair promised action, but said an international agreement was needed. “Even if Britons stopped eating completely, the increase in Texas alone would wipe out any reduction in just five years,” said the PM.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Parliament to be privatised

The House of Commons could be privatised to pay for rising parliamentary deficits, the Provisional BBC can reveal. Just one week after the Boundary Commission prophesied cuts in the numbers of MPs, campaigners warned our political heritage could be at stake.

The government denies the proposal amounts to privatisation, describing it as a “time-limited lease”. A private company would hire the building for fifty years, committing to repairs and general upkeep. The contractor would then hire the premises back to the country at a profit.

“It’s like getting a mortgage,” said Leader of the Commons Jack Straw. “You avoid pain now and leave it to a future government. The cost will double, leading to cuts in public services and higher taxes, but I’ll have a peerage by then.” He did not explain why a rational individual would get a mortgage if they had other ways of paying for a house.

Prime Minister Tony Blair described Parliament as a “sound investment” for potential contractors. “We will always need a Parliament,” he declared.

Campaigners were against the move, describing it as “privatisation through a gaping hole where the front door ought to be”. They also worried private contractors may add revenue raisers such as a “Parliament Theme Park” or “Hotel Big Ben” unless strict limits were placed on any lease. But their concerns were described as “baseless” by the government, who said they were convinced big business had public interests at heart.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Old person breaks the law

An elderly pensioner has broken the law, but claims he should not go to prison. The senior citizen, who cannot be named for legal reasons, claims he should not be arrested as he is “in disagreement” with the law he broke.

He faces trial tomorrow, but maintains he will not pay a fine if found guilty. “I have a big house and a fat private pension,” said the man, 71, “but this is a point of principle. I should be able to ignore the law when it suits me.”

Christine, 33, is a close family member of the accused. “They’re treating him as a criminal, when all he did was break the law,” said the mortgage consultant and mother of two. “But all the while these asylum seekers walk loose on the streets. It’s a travesty of justice.”

Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell said this was an issue close to his heart, as he is also a pensioner. He said the Lib Dems would scrap laws and replace them with “non-binding moral guidelines”, which wouldn’t work but sound fairer.

Pensioners groups complain existing laws are more difficult for pensioners than for ordinary citizens. However, Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott argued this was a normal reflection of life. “Everything is more difficult for pensioners,” he said. “Getting dressed, washing themselves, coping with flu… this is no exception.”

It is not clear who is to blame. Local government blames parliament, and parliament blames local government, but one thing is clear. This unnamed lawbreaker has been caught in the crossfire.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Going for pope

Tony Blair astounded Catholics worldwide by announcing he will stand for Pope when he steps down as Labour leader. He made the admission on a special episode of “Songs of Praise” after downing a pint of communion wine.

Speculation has long been rife Mr Blair will convert to his wife’s religion when pissing off the DUP no longer matters. But few expected him to challenge for Pope, if only because he is married with kids.

If he is successful, Mr Blair will be the first Labour Prime Minister to go on to the Vatican. But sycophants said if anyone could do it, Mr Blair could. “Nothing is too difficult for Tony,” said Environment minister David Miliband.

Prominent Muslims expressed concern after Blair described the Crusades as an “unfinished work”. “I have always believed in an interventionist God,” he explained. He also promised to ditch the doctrine of transubstantiation, which he described as “Catholicism’s Clause 4”.

The Pope is chosen by a council of leading Catholic bishops after prayer, fasting and bribery. Bookies made Blair favourite as former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi pledged support.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Boundary commission issue stark warning

Rising parliamentary deficits could lead to half of seats in the Commons being axed, the Boundary Commission have warned.

Parliamentary deficits have trebled after repeated rises in MPs salaries and expenses. The Boundary Commission caution failure to address the problem could mean crumbling Houses of Parliament, as vital repairs works are ignored.

The Prime Minister denied cuts were widespread, saying “Fewer than 2% of MPs will lose their seats.” But Tories accused him of “New Labour spin” after he admitted retired/dead MPs would not be replaced.

The admission is bad news for NOLS hacks, many of whom have worked for years to qualify as a Blairite PPC. Labour Students ringleader Karim Palant is holding last-ditch talks with the government, who deny NOLS hacks will be unable to find a seat, but admit they “may no longer be able to decide where they stand”.

Sitting MPs complained of increasing workloads after it emerged they could be forced to take on extra constituencies as the number of MPs is reduced. Parliamentary assistants hurriedly listed adverts for unpaid interns on in fear the extra burden would cut down on drinking time.

Even though everyone else is against the cuts, Mr Blair continued to describe the reforms as “crucially necessary for the future of Parliament, even if they neutralise Labour’s biggest most natural campaign issue ahead of the closest General Election in fifteen years.”

Saturday, November 25, 2006

David Cameron poisoned

Tory leader David Cameron has been rushed to hospital in a suspected poisoning case. Traces of the carcinogenic painkiller phenacetin have been found in his bloodstream, suggesting someone gave him bad coke.

The critic of Tony Blair was returning from a London sushi restaurant when he felt "decidedly queasy". His condition is serious but stable.

Friends of Mr Cameron suggested he had been poisoned because of his opposition to Tony Blair's Labour Party, but a Labour Party spokesperson denied this. "If we were going to kill someone, we'd do it much more efficiently," he said. "He'd be strangled in his bed with a dead whore beside him, not sitting up and talking in hospital."

Scotland Yard officials arrested Cameron's dealer, who Labour's internal records describe as "Labour (weak)". He claims to have added the additive to bulk the weight of the drug, and denies his motives were political. "This bloke came to my door and asked me some funny questions. I told him I was Labour to make him go away," he said, adding "I don't even vote."

Mr Cameron defended his coke habit, saying "I believe in glass tables, not glass ceilings."

Friday, November 24, 2006

Senior police chief: “Legalise rape”

A senior British police chief has called on the government to rethink its policy on rape, in an interview with the Sunday Times.

“Rape criminalises thousands of British men each year,” warned Chief Constable Terry Graham. “Our jails are filling up with men who would otherwise be considered normal, law-abiding citizens. Unless we act now, there could be no room left for really dangerous criminals.”

Graham called for the government to release all rapists in custody, except foreign and homosexual rapists – whose crimes may affect men. He also wants the law to be changed so men could only be considered rapists if they fit a narrow pre-conceived stereotype which protects society’s belief only “evil” men can be rapists.

Home Secretary John Reid said he was on television so often he didn’t have time to do his job properly, and he wouldn’t mind but other ministers were getting jealous, so he wouldn’t respond on this one. That, and this was a rare issue where the reactionary side was unpopular, so he didn’t know what to think.

Charities and women’s organisations criticised Graham’s remarks, but the Sunday Times dismissed them as “hysterical lesbians”, saying “We recognise there will be those who disagree, but they are wrong. It is time for a national debate, which we will win.”

Other suggestions for relieving overcrowding have included more frequent use of community punishments, building more prisons and letting David Blunkett loose with an Uzi.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Guest column #1 - The Associated Press

In an occasional series, the Provisional BBC brings you stories you'd expect to see here, if reputable news outlets hadn't published them first.

O.J. Simpson to Discuss Killings

By The Associated Press

Fox plans to broadcast an interview with O.J. Simpson in which the former football star discusses "how he would have committed" the slayings of his ex-wife and her friend, for which he was acquitted, the network said.

The two-part interview, titled "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29, the TV network said.

Simpson has agreed to an "unrestricted" interview with book publisher Judith Regan, Fox said.

"O.J. Simpson, in his own words, tells for the first time how he would have committed the murders if he were the one responsible for the crimes," the network said in a statement. "In the two-part event, Simpson describes how he would have carried out the murders he has vehemently denied committing for over a decade."

The interview will air days before Simpson's new book, "If I Did It," goes on sale Nov. 30. The book, published by Regan, "hypothetically describes how the murders would have been committed."

In a video clip on the network's Web site, an off-screen interviewer says to Simpson, "You wrote 'I have never seen so much blood in my life.'"

"I don't think any two people could be murdered without everybody being covered in blood," Simpson responds.

Simpson, who now lives in Florida, was acquitted in a criminal trial of the 1994 killings of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ronald Goldman. Simpson was later found liable in 1997 in a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the Goldman family.

Messages left with Simpson and his attorney Yale Galanter were not immediately returned.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Extremist working in home office

Home Secretary John Reid is to examine claims a leading member of a radical political group is working as a senior official at the Home Office.

An investigation by lads mag Nuts! revealed that John Thompson works for the Immigration and Nationality Directorate in Croydon, South London. Mr Thompson is also a member of Amnesty International.

Amnesty has been accused of preaching tolerance towards asylum seekers and "being soft" on foreign criminals - even petitioning for their release. Prime Minister Tony Blair said last August the group would be banned, but no action has been taken so far.

When approached by Nuts! investigators Mr Thompson conveniently denied being a leader in the organisation but admitted he "may have signed a postcard" in what he described as a "moment of madness." Mr Thompson also denies working for the Home Office, claiming he is a labourer from Kent.

John Reid said he had ordered officials to look into the investigation, but Tory Homeland Security Spokesman Patrick Mercer said this was not enough. "To think there is a senior revolutionary working in the Home Office in a very sensitive area is truly worrying," he said.

Amnesty International were not available for comment.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

"Vote for a Tory" says Cameron

In an exclusive interview with Richard and Judy, David Cameron described Conservative politicians as “misunderstood” and called on the public to show them “love and understanding”.

The plans, dubbed “Vote for a Tory”, were derided by Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott. “The Tories don’t need love, they need a good smack in the face,” he derided.

Liberal Democrat Lynne Featherstone claimed there was nothing wrong with rich people per se. “Only a small minority of rich people join the Tory party,” said the multi-millionaire. Party leader Menzies Campbell suggested the government should focus more on preventative solutions. “We need to give Tories more to do, to stop them getting into politics in the first place” he said.

Home Secretary John Reid was in ebullient mood, describing Campbell as a “wuss”. “Preventative solutions are all very well and good,” he said, “but they do nothing to address the problem of Tories already in politics. They are menacing our communities and threatening our elderly.” David Cameron denied fears Tories would rob pensioners of their free television licenses and winter fuel allowances.

Speculation is rife that a “Tory behaviour bill” will be retrospectively included in the Queens Speech. The bill will include extra money for bowling greens and Charlie Chaplin appreciation societies, to keep Tories occupied. The bill will also grant local councils powers to fine Tories setting foot within 500 metres of a voter.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Tories accused of negative campaigning

David Cameron found himself at the centre of a political storm after authorising an advert which cast doubt on Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell’s mental health.

The commercial - due to be screened this evening at 7:55pm on Channel 4 - features footage of the ex-athlete fluffing his lines, forgetting his words and losing his marbles. Towards the end of the broadcast, Michael Winner cuts in. “Menzies Campbell,” he asks. “Does he have alzheimers?”

Rival leadership contender Simon Hughes, who lost to Sir Menzies because he is gay, was ordered to condemn the broadcast. “If they’d elected me, this never would’ve happened,” he told the Observer in an exclusive podcast.

Political analyst Nick Robinson pointed out that Hughes had not denied Campbell’s alzheimers. “We’re not as bad as America, but we’re getting more and more like them,” he commented aimlessly.

Labour seized on the advert as proof the Tories were still the “nasty” party. “It’s not Sir Menzies’ fault he’s a spacker,” commented Health minister Caroline Flint, arguing “Sir Menzies mental health is between him and the quarter of a million civil servants who will soon have his details on file.”

The advert comes only a month after Tory supremo George Osbourne called Gordon Brown a “fucking auto.” Brown denied the suggestion, saying the comparison was “deeply offensive to sufferers of the condition.”

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Harman “out of touch”

Harriet Harman stands accused of being “off message” after using the expression “false consciousness” on the BBC’s Daily Politics show.

Realising her mistake, the Constitutional Affairs minister stopped short of calling for a revolution, but failed to retract her remarks. Asked what the words meant, she said she overheard them in a bar at university and had never really been sure.

Party aparatchniks confirmed the language was not pre-approved by Downing Street, while hard-left activists called the expression “dated” and “off-putting”.

Trendy environmentalist David Cameron said the incident was “further evidence” Gordon Brown is a secret commie. “If he gets in, he’ll nationalise your pets,” warned the Old Etonian.

It also emerged Ms Harman is secretly married to a prominent trade unionist in the Transport and General union. Friends defended her, saying the marriage was “generally known” in the House, but Tories called for her divorce, saying the relationship presented “an inevitable conflict of interests”.

Friday, November 10, 2006

More election-time ammunition

Liberal Democrats have called for an opt-out clause in all current, previous and future government legislation.

The “freedom bill” also authorises the complete destruction of all data held by government on individuals, the immediate release of violent criminals and liberalisation of child pornography.

Liberty director Shamri Chakribati supported the bill, warning that forcing people to do things they didn’t want to do may be “incompatible” with human rights.

Labour MPs cautioned individuals were unlikely to pay taxes voluntarily, and even if they did, the abolition of national insurance numbers could make collection difficult. But Liberal leader Menzies Campbell ignored reason, saying “I’ve been reading George Orwell’s 1984 and I can’t grasp the literary truth that dystopian novels are commentaries on the present, not warnings about the future.”

“It’s time to end the state’s intrusion into our private lives,” he told anyone who would listen. Asked exactly what the existence of a medical database would stop individuals from doing, he spluttered before replying “Freedom isn’t about people’s daily lives, it’s a theoretical principle you study at university.”

David Cameron commented in a measured, calm tone of voice, despite talking alarmist nonsense. “Tories would introduce opt-outs for all UK citizens”, he said, though “coloureds, single mothers and dole scum,” would be excluded on grounds of national security.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Church to ditch "unfashionable" homophobia

The Church of England will ditch core beliefs to appeal to modern “yoof”. Doctrines set to go include homophobia, sexism and belief in God.

Religious boss Rowan Williams said he had been inspired by the Tories, who have become more popular since toning down their attacks on homosexuals, women and asylum seekers. “Homophobia and sexism have served the church well,” said the bearded wonder, “but it’s time to move on.”

But not everyone was convinced. Churchgoer Christine, a mortgage consultant and mother of two blamed “PC liberalism” for church decline. “British people are naturally prejudiced,” said the ordinary woman. “Traditional Islam is both sexist and homophobic and Islamic conversions are on the increase – this just isn’t the answer.”

Asked how the Church would deal with infamous passages like Phoenetians 3 verse 21, which calls women “unnatural” and an “abomination”, Williams was swift to reply. “We’ll ignore it,” he replied. “The Church has been ignoring passages on social justice for centuries; there’s no reason we can’t ignore other bits too.”

Leaked memos suggest Williams may be willing to compromise with more traditional elements of the Church. The Church would support equality in principle, but propose further limits on abortion in practice.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Wright-Phillips announces resignation

Sean Wright-Phillips confirmed his resignation from Chelsea Football Club with immediate effect as of yesterday. Wright-Phillips will continue as a registered player, and maintain his membership of Chelsea Supporters’ Club. He said he was resigning due to “irreconcilable differences” with his boss Jose Mourinho, and in order to campaign for a drawn Premiership.

“It’s not good for the Premiership if Chelsea win by twenty points every year,” said the diminutive right-winger, who failed to fulfil his early promise. He promised to draw up a list of exactly which games needed to be lost and won and by which sides in order to produce joint title-winners. Wright-Phillips, son of BBC football pundit Ian Wright, denied there could be collective action problems, saying “I am an idiot.”

The player was quick to stress he had only resigned from the Chelsea team, and would stay a member of Chelsea Supporters’ Club. This despite rule four section d of the club constitution, which states that supporters may be expelled from the club if they support other teams. The rule was instituted after Arsenal supporters signed up en masse in the 80s, in an attempt to take over the club.

Wright-Phillips also suggested Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has links to the oil industry. “I’m not bitter,” said the player, adding “Mourinho promised me games. He’s a filthy liar.” Chelsea dismissed the accusations, pointing out Wright-Phillips signed a new contract only last week.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Political correctness blamed for Darfur genocide

Following sustained international pressure, the Sudanese Government has named political correctness as the prime mover behind genocide in Darfur.

"It’s political correctness gone mad," said Vice-President Ali Osman Taha. Sudan has previously refused to name names, claiming it would prosecute culprits internally. UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan welcomed the news, saying co-operation was crucial if conflict was to be averted. But critics argued the statement posed more questions than it answered, including "When did political correctness go mad?" and "How long was it before anyone realised?"

Political correctness is no stranger to controversy. It has already been accused of restricting freedom of harassment and causing the breakdown of the family unit. "All the warning signs were there," said Lynda Lee Potter, a fierce critic of the concept. "This monster was never really under control," she added, adding "Our children’s future is at stake."

The killer’s precise whereabouts are unknown, but the international community has pledged assistance in rooting it out "wherever it lies". The UN has begun assembling crack teams of specialist troops, including comics Jim Davidson and Bernard Manning, as well as football pundit Ron Atkinson. Atkinson declared he had a personal score to settle, after political correctness cost him his job.

Not everyone believed the claims. An anonymous e-mail argued political correctness lacked the capacity to carry out the attacks, claiming it was just a bogeyman created by the media to legitimate attacks on equality and local government. The media refused to comment, labelling critics "conspiracy theorists" and "communists."

Sudan’s civil war raged from 1983 to 2005, killing lots and displacing lots more. Since January 2003, lots have also been killed in Darfur and lots more displaced.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Slow news day

New research confirms what we already thought, according to new research conducted by a university. The research examined research examined in national newspapers, and found 93.5% of it validates what everyone already knew, described by the report as “common sense”.

The report also suggested ways of curing diseases previously thought incurable, and discovered how to stop climate change without altering existing patterns of human behaviour, but these conclusions were deemed less newsworthy by our editor.

If the research is true, there could be far-reaching consequences for the future of research. Indeed, there will be those who claim that new ideas are a waste of time and taxpayers’ money, since the vast majority of what we already think is likely to be true.

Other universities were quick to query the research. “This report contradicts a long series of better reports which are better,” said a scientist/professor. “We strongly caution against ignoring research, at least until the matter has been more thoroughly explored.”

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Race boss agrees with racists

Race boss Trevor Phillips spoke out yesterday, calling Romanians and Bulgarians “dirty cheating thieving bastards”.

Phillips was particularly critical of thirteen year old Romanian girls, claiming they were stealing jobs from British prostitutes. He urged paedophiles to boycott the girls in favour of their British counterparts.

He also suggested Britain should bring back the death penalty for foreign criminals. He labelled double punishment – the process where foreign criminals are locked up before being deported to countries where their lives are in danger – as “a waste of British taxpayer’s money”, and suggested cutting out the middle man would be better for everyone.

Ordinary racists seized on Phillips’ comments, saying it was a victory for “common sense prejudice”. Mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine, 33, said “You can’t open the paper without seeing Bulgarian rapist this and Romanian murderer that. They’re not as bad as the darkies but we still don’t want them here.”

BNP leader Nick Griffin commented “There was a time in Britain where you couldn’t say something racist without being labelled a racist. I am glad that time is over.”

London Mayor Ken Livingstone criticised Phillips, saying he was worse than Hitler, Idi Amin, Stalin and Thatcher put together.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Anti-war rebel: “Tax the poor”

“More needs to be done,” was the CBI’s verdict, as anti-war rebel John Denham revealed plans to introduce a “poor tax” to pay for cuts in business and income tax.

The CBI demanded reparations for “decades of inequality” where the rich have paid more tax than the poor. Reparations would “create new business opportunities for leaders with proven track records,” lied the millionaires.

“It’s unacceptable people are still poor in this day and age,” said Denham. He described the tax as a disincentive, and said the poor have a “moral responsibility” to become richer. The plans have won wide cross-party support. Lib Dem leader Menzies Campbell said “For too long, poverty has made middle-class people feel guilty. But now we have the environment to feel guilty about. The poor can go screw themselves.”

Awkward squad members John McDonnell and Jeremy Corbyn labelled the plans “Victorian”. But their remarks were derided by an up and coming junior minister who no one has heard of. “We have to help the poor to help themselves,” said the white middle-class male 40-something loyalist.

The Labour Party faces debts of over £20 million.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Blair refuses to declare ceasefire

Tony Blair faces mounting pressure to declare a ceasefire between Heather Mills and Sir Paul McCartney. Last night he ignored an influential cross-tabloid group of gossip columnists, who called for a parliamentary debate on the subject.

Relentless self-publicist David Cameron was quick to denounce Mr Blair. “Once again, the Prime Minister has shown he is out of touch with the concerns of tabloid editors,” he denounced, adding “He’s more interested in knife crime and childcare than the private lives of the rich and famous.”

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister denied Mr Blair wanted to prolong the conflict, saying he was working hard behind the scenes to resolve the issues. But campaigners accused him of not wanting to jeopardise the “special relationship” with Geldof.

In the latest development, Mills’ legal team accused McCartney of “disproportionate use of force” and called for an immediate cessation of hostilities on either side. But McCartney refuses to believe Mills has nothing to do with a series of increasingly nasty media reports about their private life, and is insisting these stop before he comes to the negotiating table.

It is not clear if anyone cares.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Another deputy leadership candidate

Nye Bevan will challenge for the deputy leadership of the Labour Party, according to inside government sources.

The shock move has surprised those who thought he was dead. Party officials cast doubt on his chances, saying only MPs can challenge for the role. But the Labour legend was quick to respond, saying he was never deselected by his constituency party and would mount a legal challenge to take up his seat in the Commons.

To get on the ballot paper, Bevan must secure the nominations of 44 Labour MPs. Coincidentally, this is the exact number who have not announced they will stand for the position.

The move threatens to derail the Peter Hain campaign. The anti-apartheid campaigner has already seen his support drop after a series of people much better than him announced their candidature. Hain is seen as a unifying candidate: both left and right think him slimy and untrustworthy.

But campaigners questioned Nye’s record. According to a Lib Dem website, Bevan is “very old” compared to “not very young” and “very much Welsh” compared to “not English”.

Bookmakers made him fourth favourite for the post at 11/1, behind Hilary “Silent” Benn (3/1), Harriet “Woman” Harman (9/2) and John “ ” Cruddas (9/1).

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Madonna: I will see job through

Madonna is refusing to set out a timetable for returning baby David Banda to Malawi, saying he will only leave when the job is complete.

The singer has attracted international criticism for adopting the baby under false pretences, but will not apologise. "I can apologise for the effects of the adoption, but I cannot in all honesty apologise for the adoption," she told Oprah yesterday, adding "God told me to do it."

Pressure is growing on Madonna to name a date when David will be returned to his father in Malawi, but she would not succumb, saying the baby would stay in Britain until it asked to leave.

Five people gathered outside the Malawian embassy, carrying banners labelling the adoption "illegal" and "immoral". Madonna denied the protest was a response to the adoption, saying there was a long history of democratic protest and that people protested before the adoption as well as after.

The entertainer and her slightly less famous husband, Guy Ritchie, urged the public to "support our boy," arguing the adoption was now a reality and the boy could not support himself on his own.

Speculation mounted the couple would look to adopt a Rwandan boy next. A large rally is planned next Saturday around the demands "Give Banda Back, No Rwandan Adoption, Resist The Colonial Imperialism Of Israeli Fascists, No Trident." Organiser Lindsey German warned "Your child could be next."

Friday, October 20, 2006

Britain becoming "apartheid society"

Race experts warned Britain is fast becoming an apartheid society as the first Muslim strip-club opened in Dewsbury. Dancers at the adult-only venue strip to a see-through niqab, allowing them to demean themselves whilst technically satisfying the demands of their religion.

The news follows the sacking of a Muslim stripper who refused to remove her veil in the presence of men. Local MP Shahid Malik supported the action, saying "She has put herself in a position where she can't do her job."

Moderate Muslims condemned the club, saying "The vast majority of Muslims are law abiding citizens who abide by the law." Many support government proposals forcing Christian strip-clubs to employ 25% Muslim women.

Ordinary Britons were aghast at the news. "If they live in Britain, they should strip like the British", said mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine, 33. In a recent poll undertaken by YouGov in conjunction with TalkSport, 96% of those questioned described Muslims as "too religious".

Tory fuhrer David Cameron told reporters that whenever Tony Blair attacked Muslims, the Tory party would put politics aside and support him resolutely. However, the Tories would not put economic stability before tax cuts.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Fresh donor row

A Labour donor stands accused of receiving privileged access to politicians and the policy-making process because of her financial contribution to the party.

The woman, who cannot be named for legal reasons, donated £36 to Labour. She subsequently received invitations to meet prominent politicians and “have her say” in the drafting of the next Labour election manifesto.

A party spokesman refused to comment on individual cases, but said the “membership” system was fully approved by the Electoral Commission. Party chair Hazel Blears faced immediate calls to name all others who donated under the controversial arrangements.

Lib Dem leader Sir Menzies Campbell declared the Labour Party morally bankrupt. Though his party run a similar system, the pensioner proudly acknowledged there are no benefits to being a Lib Dem member.

Tony Blair denied donors had a say in policy, arguing “Trade unions are our biggest donors, and we ignore everything they say.” He admitted the party was in debt and offered to stay in power to avoid a costly leadership election.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Tory pin-up

Kate Moss has signed up as the new face of the next Tory election campaign, according to various sources. The model - a scantily clad picture of whom is opposite this piece - was approached after PR moguls decided people were more likely to vote for attractive women than balding fat middle-aged men.

The adverts will feature Ms Moss in a range of provocative poses, with the message "Vote Tory" inscribed against a blue background. David Cameron denied the posters suggested Ms Moss was standing for the Conservatives, saying "We will not put tax cuts before economic stability." However, he moved to reassure traditional Conservative voters, saying "We will share the proceeds of growth."

Amidst strong rumours the pair met through their dealer, an anonymous friend told us "Kate hasn't done coke for months. What's more, she wouldn't be seen dead anywhere near Cameron if she weren't making millions off it. Actually she votes Labour."

The moves look set to usher in a new era of politics, with glamour model Jordan suggesting she will stand for Labour next time round. Feminist groups expressed outrage as she promised to "get the tits out for the lads" should she win, whilst MPs rushed to the plastic surgeon in an attempt to guarantee their reselection.

Ms Moss is still going out with junkie Pete Doherty, though no-one quite knows why. Doherty invited fresh controversy last night after cutting open his AIDS-ridden body and bleeding all over an innocent child from Darfur.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Celebrities could "take over" by 2016

If current trends continue Britain's celebrities will outnumber non-celebrities by the year 2016, according to the latest research from Celebrity Watch.

Britain is fast being swamped by waves of celebrities who refuse to work and expect the rest of us to prop up their extravagant lifestyles. Home Office officials would not confirm Celebrity Watch's figures, but admitted in private they were unsure Britain could cope with a sustained influx of celebrities.

"They talk about their human rights," said mortgage consultant and mother of two Christine, "but what about the rights of the majority to be prejudiced?" Fears have been expressed about celebrities' lavish dress sense and wild behaviour, at odds with the average hard-working Briton's family lifestyle. The new research comes only a week after former Home Secretary Jack Straw said he would not admit celebrity constituents to his surgeries unless they donned jeans and a t-shirt.

The Conservative Party revealed plans for a quota system, where a set number of celebrities would be absorbed every year. These plans were described as insufficient by UKIP, who believe they can win Tory voters disillusioned with David Cameron by taking a firm anti-celebrity approach.

"Celebrities make a valued contribution to British culture," said TonyBlair last night. "They entertain us and give journalists something to write about. But the government recognises people's fears about celebrities and we are committed to a fair, common-sense approach to celebrity."

Home Secretary John Reid was more bullish, and strengthened rumours he might run against Gordon Brown for the leadership of the Labour Party when Tony Blair stands down, saying "If I was Prime Minister I'd deport the lot of them."

Celebrity Watch denied claims their figures were made up and labelled accusations of connections to Nazi pressure groups "irrelevant".

Monday, October 16, 2006

Panorama reveal "bung culture" in politics

The government was thrown into chaos last night when the BBC programme Panorama revealed Labour made illegal approaches to Shaun Woodward before he signed for them in 1999. According to Panorama, Labour arranged secret meetings with turncoat Woodward before making official enquiries about his availability.

Tony Blair said he would not comment as he had not seen the footage due to a vote in the Commons. Tory leader David Cameron called for an independent inquiry, saying that if the accusations were true, Labour should be "banned from politics". Menzies Campbell, leader of the Liberal Democrats, would only say that this was further evidence of the need for proportional representation in the UK.

If the allegations prove true, they could be highly damaging for the government. It is only the latest in a series of high-profile transfer bust-ups affecting Britain's top clubs. Out of favour George Galloway signed for rival socialists Respect just weeks after being sacked by Labour for professional misconduct. Maverick Scottish left-winger Tommy Sheridan transferred to conference side Solidarity after former club SSP claimed he "refused to play for them".

According to anonymous insiders, Woodward could be only the tip of the iceberg. Tapping up is regarded as commonplace in government. England legend Winston Churchill was said to have been tapped up twice in his distinguished career. Churchill won government's ultimate prize in his first spell as Prime Minister - a World War - but failed to impress in his second stint with the club.

Woodward claimed his comments had been taken out of context, and that he had been bragging about his close relationship with Peter Mandelson in order to get a job. He said money not a factor in his decision to join Labour, saying "I have no interest in a ministerial salary. I joined Labour because I wanted to be part of a club that can win things."

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Liberal Democrats must improve

The Liberal Democrats must improve or risk the imposition of private management, according to a standards watchdog.

The party fell foul of the watchdog after consistently coming third in general elections since its establishment in 1988. It was criticized for failing to provide best value to its voters - unlike the Labour and Conservative parties, which ran governments and had policies.

Under new government legislation, private management could be imposed on the party unless it raises its game fast. In extreme cases, parties could be closed down to leave political space for new, better parties to emerge.

Party leader Menzies Campbell questioned the report, claiming it misunderstood the motives of Liberal Democrat voters. “I think the Liberal Democrats provide excellent value for our voters,” he said. “Our voters don’t want policies or action, they want to sit on the sidelines and bitch about the government.”

Sir Ming’s comments will strengthen critics of the new laws, who claim the Lib Dem’s problems are rooted not in the party but in the people they represent. Constitutional Affairs spokesperson Harriet Harman dismissed these fears, saying “It’s not an excuse. Middle class people shouldn’t be denied access to quality political representation on account of their background.”

If the party fails to improve, it could be taken over by private companies, faith organizations or local parents. The Muslim Assocation of Britain have already expressed interest, after achieving success in local elections with fringe party Respect. However, they face the prospect of fierce bidding competition from Fathers4Justice and entrepreneur Richard Branson.

Ming Campbell will be 65 next year.

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Back after an extended exile from blogging. Depressing to be in opposition but likely to prompt more posts here.